Completed Let's Play Europa Barbarorum (Sweboz)

[Ivar the Boner]

Update 22 - Road to Rome

Spoiler

Carthaginians are trying to stop us from reaching Arse but we are standing on a river crossing so I don't think they will be succesful at it.

They have elephants but I keep my general near our soldiers to bolster morale.

Pretty smart use of elephants on their part (they kept them near to scare our troops and told them to charge very late) but we still raped them.

And this is no one other than our good old friend Balshillek.

This time he didn't managed to run away though.

Ok, I tried to disasemble roman clusterfuck near Bononia by putting one army near them and it looks like they catched our bait.

Exactly same flat ground, anti-roman tactic of hiddin butt-pirates in the woods.

They walked right next to our butt-rapists expecting nothing.

CHAAAAARGE!

Raped.

Romans realized that they are running out of time and started construction of siege equpiement in Bononia.

It's time to take Vellika.

Occupy, we need population.

We can recruit very nice axemen here. Unfortunately population is very low (600 dudes) so we will have to wait some time.

And now our second army can start sieging Arse.

This guy can reach us so we have to be prepared.

Romans are finally assaulting Bononia. We have thousand dudes there so we should be fine.

Yup, romans will have to do better than that.

Captain Hamalcar is trying to save Arse. We are on flat terrain and they have elephants and whole shitton of skirmishers so it may get rough.

Skirmishers did most of damage to us but we are victorious and Arse is ours.

Relocate those uhappy bastards!

And now we have "fair" fight with romans. It won't be fair because we are not going to use reinforcements (Agilaz army is too important to let AI control them).

But we have nice terrain and great general.

We have shit hidden in woods as always. Also we have whooping three units of cavalry, we can seriously crush those two roman armies here.

Romans didn't bother to throw their pila and just charged us. That's good because Illyrians STRONG! but not very well armoured.

Ok, they scouted woods this time. We have to quickly charge romans that engaged our main battle line.

That's an uphill charge but I don't think it matters much now.

Especially since we are also butt-charging them with three units of cavalry.

SMASH!

First army is dead but second's army scouts are still here.

We swarmed them and their roman friends decided to leave them here to die and are bugging out.

We can start recruiting some Iberian locals but, of course, they are fucking spearmen. Just what Sweboz need, more goddamn spearmen.

Also, those guys are only thing that stands between us and Arretium. Let's push romans a little bit more.

Arretium garrison is quite big so we can't assault it. We have to starve them out.

Or we can just try to crush garrison in open field because relieve force arrived.

Again we have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, MOVE ALONG hidden in the woods but romans have cavalry this time so we have to hope they won't try to scout the woods.

And they indeed tried to do so but we stopped them.

Then main roman force followed our retreating cavalry straight into our spearwall.

And they kept concentrating their efforts on our right flank so our ambushed was pretty much useless anyway.

Cavalry saved the day for us but suffered heavy casualties.

Then mr. Caius made foolish decision of charging Agilaz bodyguard. He died quickly and with him died hope of saving Arretium from germanic rape fest.

After Caius death romans tried to leave the field but we cut them off with what was left of our cavalry and then our infantry killed those fleeing cowards.

Arretium gon get enslaved.

Iberia is looking bleak though. Carthaginians just brough bullshit elite full stack and they are on their way to Arse.

Well... fuck.

We can't defend walls with bunch of yahoos with sticks so we need to turtle-up in town square.

But we will shoot those guys a little with our slingers.

And here they are. Even their infantry have no problems pushing our dudes on guard mode back. Bastards are too heavily armoured for us.

Holy crap, I forgot about time limit!

Some of our guy survived this shit so we are destroying every semitic structure in Arse, put taxes on very high and GTFO.

I decided to let Romans siege Bononia as long as they want and just go straight for Arminium. If romans decides to assault Bononia they will have such huge losses that we won't have any problems taking it back.

 

[Fafnir]

 

[Storyfag]

Germans destroying semitic structures? Sounds familiar

 

[Ivar the Boner]

Germans destroying semitic structures? Sounds familiar

But now Semitic people are destroying germans and that doesn't sounds familiar and was not part of a plan at all. Goddamit Romans at least played fair by not spamming elites (probably because they don't have any )

 

[Ivar the Boner]

Update 23 - Vae Victis

Spoiler

We left one army behind to attack romans besieging Bononia if they would decide to starve the city, and we continue our Italian trail of destruction. Romans have crapton of small stack around here and I'm pretty sure they will attack us one after another because AI simply refuses to join it's armies.

HERE IT GOES:

Ok, they are done and Arminum is ours.

We are still in a bit of a pickle in Iberia but I'm recruiting armies in germania so soon we should have reinforcements.

We got our asses handed to us in Iberia but we can't just fall back. I decided to put some troops on bridges and river crossing to seriously fuck with Carthaginian offensive untill our reinforcements arrives.

- YOU VILL NEVER TAKE US ALIVE!
- Hans, I don't think they are trying to.

Few guys wearing their pants way to high vs ARMY OF DARKNESS.

Scheisse, zis is stupid let's get ze fuck out of here...

In the west we have raging republic on the loose but in the south we are already knocking on the gates of Rome.

Or "staring at gates of rome" would be better way to put it. We didn't have enough move points to besiege it so we won't get it even though garrison is dead.

Ok, NOW we are fucking knocking on the gates of rome.

Romans stopped fucking around Bononia but we cut them off from Rome. Also, we sent one dude down south to recruit some mercenaries.

And our new "Iberian" army is getting recruited. Recruiting army in germania seems like stupid idea but I simply miss our germanic troops.

Zis is day for histories! day of revenge! (even though ve started zis var) ze day Sweboz SACK ZE ROME!

... And I autoresolved it because they had only one unit of hastati there and nothing else (not even a single goose).

Vue Vactus!

And then we destroyed this thing to punish romans for their arrogance... and also because we need money for mercenaries.

Whole army of mercenaries.

I think Carthaginians got a little bit over-confident becasue this army have absolutely no chance to take Emporion

Now our mercenary army have to fight for Arpi, they actually can get their asses kicked here.

We surrounded first roman stack but our mercenaries are losing.

Italic mercenaries don't have skill or morale of our Sweboz troops so it's really going slowly.

On the other hand, this is trash army, most of them can die as long as we get the city (and general survives).

Ok, they finally won. Barely, but they won.

ENSLAVE!

We have one roman fullstack roaming italy without any idea what to do. We will keep one army near them in case they try anything funny.

Also, another Lusotannan rebellion happened in Iberia.

And we are getting ready to take Capua.

Our new army is ready but it's nowhere near Iberia so we are still on defense here.

Unfortunately most of our defenders our outside Velika and they spawned behind Carthaginians and this may prove to be problematic.

Sacred band cavalry tried to intercept us while we were trying to reach the town by secondary gate. They reached us in wooded area though so they are on disadvantage.

BAM!

Phoenician cav manage to hold us for too long so we abandon the plan of getting inside the town and we have to butt-fuck Carthaginian troops that are poking our defenders.

And because of fucking sacred band now it looks like WE have to fight our way through the gates.

Newest germanic military doctrine - REVERSED DEFENSE!

Unfortunately it turned out that Agilaz bodyguards is our only unit that can do any damage to carthaginian elite pikemen.

But "only one able to do damage" is quite light way to put it. While our other troops can do shit against african pikemen, Agilaz is fucking destroying them.

But they have don't have maxed out experience for nothing.

We lost few too many soldiers. Reinforcements from germania better hurry up.

Then Agilaz (not to be confused with Aigilaz) won a battle for Capua.

Which we are going to enslave because of culture penalties.

We can start recruiting Hastati in Italia. They are only "Camillan" version but we lack in any kinds of swordsmen so they will be welcomed addition to our southern armies.

And then I was looking for a leader for our next germanic army and it turned out that we don't have anyone who is Sweboz, not even a single dude. We have crapton of Marcomanni, some Cherusci and even a Swedish dude. And our Geat will be leader of second germanic army.

 

[Fafnir]

 

[Ivar the Boner]

Update 24 - West is new East.

Spoiler

Carthaginians decided to assault Emporion again. This city is well defended so I don't mind them wasting their soldiers attacking it. Velika is completely different story and we already evacuated Agilaz from there (he is somwhere around Burdigala and we DON'T have military access with Lusotannan but I don't care if it sparks a war).

I put Iberi Milites in front this time so we can easily replenish our losses.

And we are still ignoring roman stack wandering Italia and went straight for Taras with plan of assaulting it next season (it have only palisade. I wouldn't dare to attack romans on stone walls).

Last roman standing army is not interested in saving Taras and we can assault the city.

Ze daaaay iss ouuuurssss!

We enslaved population but city is still raging. If they won't stop next turn I will have to move our capital because last thing we need is roman rebell stack.

For some reason Carthaginians decided to bribe our diplomat and who am I to question what they do with their money?

Last legion besieged Capua which is worst choice they could make.

Well, if they wan't to die at Capua's walls then we will move our mercenary army out of Arpi and make a move on Rhegion.

We are lucky we managed to get Aigilaz out of here. This shit gon get raped.

But we still can do some damage.

Every dude that we poke here will be one dude less for our germanic army to poke.

On the other hand, I don't think that carthaginian fleet will have any problems to ferry reinforcements here. But now they know they will have to pay heavy price for every bit of clay they wan't to take from us.

Romans managed to shit out some makeshift army and it will be our mercenaries duty to take it down.

But I think that even our mercenaries can deal with this.

Yup.

And now we start sieging Rhegion.

Meanwhile, Harjawulfaz leading our new army reached Iberia. Emporion is under siege so we try to get Harjawulfaz to Iberia by waltzing through Lusotannan land, probably breaking international law or two.

Oh hai. Koinnon Hellennon decided to pay us a visit. That means they are about to attack us so we better reinforce Illyria.

Holy shit. Ok, let's go back to Emporion...

Last legion is not building any siege equpiment so they want to starve Capua. we can't let them do it but we also can't beat them with just one army. I decided to take a risk and let AI lead our second army.

That's biggest battle of this campaign. 8473 men on battlefield, ready to poke and stab the shit out of eachother.

It looks like romans decided to split their army in two. It's not like they have any better choice.

Our second army is fighting uphill so we better hurry and help them.

We managed to encircle units romand sent at us, but we have to kill them quick because I don't fucking trust AI leading my army.

But they are actually doing quite well.

I'm trying to break romans with cavalry butt-charges but no fucks are given.

They finally started to break but that's thanks to them being Exhausted not because of our cavalry.

That's last pocket of roman resistance. We have to get there and help our reinforcements as fast as possible.

Romans are surrounded here so it turned into rape fest. But I have no idea what happened with their general.

I'm impressed by our second army performance. They not onle managed to hold their ground fighting uphill but they also were sending some units to help us.

Ok, but AI got our faction leader killed during this battle. I didn't liked him so no biggie.

And now Aigilaz is our faction leader, as it fucking should be.

And it's time to defend Emporion again.

Carthaginians have really heavy shit here so they are pushing us around.

I sent our only anti-armor unit to hunt down their general because that's our only hope.

Fucking carthaginian flood.

Ok, they had two family members here and we managed to kill both.

BAM! Mass rout!

But we still have some elite shit to deal with.

Ok, we did it. Barely, but we did it.

I don't know what Koinon Hellenon is trying to achieve but I don't like it.

Ok, it's time for some "gorilla warfare" in Iberia. There is no way to completely ensure that enemy will attack you in the mountains or woods so our guerilla war will be mostly about bridge and river crossings battles.

We have first two candidates willing to throw away their soldiers lifes by attacking us on a river crossing.

Say hello to Chauci "The Hawks" spearmen. We completely ignored them in this campaign because their homeland was never anywhere near frontlines, but I decided to take them along this time. Also, someone was lazy and their spears lacks spearheads so they look like they have fucking sticks but they are actually our best spearmen, they have 1 defense more than Chatti, rest is the same.

Eat shit and die in a river you imperialistic fucks.

Rhegion surrendered without a fight and now we control whole Italian peninsula/island thingy. We still have to conquer Sicily but we are working on it.

We keep advancing in our trademark "defensive offensive" fashion, basically forcing enemy to attack us because I suck at attacking because of germanic military genius.

And it works! You silly phoenicians, we broke goddamn Roman Republic by camping on the bridges and you think you will do any better?

They can't do any better. They had one unit of elephants but that was not enough. I'm pretty sure they would be able to push us back all the way to fucking germania if they had some elite african pikemen with their extremely high mass hax (those bastards can push our units UPHILL).

 

[Ivar the Boner]

Update 25 - West is new East.

Spoiler

I think Greeks have found their promised land. They are trapped here though because those 4 stacks are complete trash so they can't take Patavium, cross the bridge west or try to cross through Noricum. We are not at war yet and I will not start it myself because Koinon Hellenon have Epeiros and Makedonia as protectorates and we trade with Epeiros.

Carthaginians left Numantia exposed and I decided to abandon our bridge and quickly take it. I sent my spy to scout nearby woods to see if they have any hidden units and they don't so should be able to easily take this city.

We shall still guard our river crossings though.

Phoenicians stopped spamming african elites but unfortunately their Iberian troops are also way above anything we can recruit. But that's ok because we are not planning to fight them "fair", we will abuse the shit out of terrain.

They have lost two family members and then just retreated.

Time to take Numantia and I will do it myself because I don't want to lose our Worgozez specialist we brought here from germania.

Now we will expel it because we need some population to recruit troops here.

Roman were retarded and attacked us on a bridge even when they had other targets but it's hard to blame Carthaginians for doing similar thing, they just don't have any other way of reaching Emporion than those bridges and river crossings.

We managed to calm down southern italy enough for us to start conqest of Sicily.

Greeks tried to go through Noricum but got their fucking asses kicked. I told ya there is respawning doomstack there.

I will autoresolve this because I completely don't care what happens with this army.

Acceptable.

ENSLAVE!

We have our backs secure thanks to Numantia garrison so we can keep conquering Iberia while Carthaginian armies are too busy dying at the river crossings.

They somehow smuggled army to Emporion but we should be able to defend it or send small relieve force it they decides to starve the garrison.

Ok, it's Palantia turn in our completely random conquest of Iberia.

Occupy, we need every soldiers we can get here.

Thanks gods for those bridges, we wouldn't have much chance against this crapton of armies otherwise.

Lusotannan tried to take Velika but they failed. Fortunately they managed to weaken garrison enough for us to take it.

They have some really good shit here so I have to do it myself.

Those guys are going to be a huge problem because we don't have anything anti-armor (other than slingers).

Slingers can't do shit against them from the front (because they have shields) but they are devastating from the rear.

But we don't have enough bullets to shoot they all day. We have to do this old fashioned way - Poke a tank with a spear.

They finally broke but this fight cost us 12% of our troops.

And now we have to do this shit again... uphill and with elephants.

I keep my general near but elephants still just waltz around smashing shit. We had to call for reinforcements (Airstrike would be better but we don't have 2100 years).

Ok, we dealt with 'fants and one unit of elite afrikan bastards decided to chase our general so we can just go straight for town center.

And there is fucking mad elephant there. This assault went FUBAR.

And we lost 990 guys assaulting tiniest village on earth.

Whatever, it's ours now!

Romans are still alive but not for long because we continue our conquest of sicily.

Another river battle...

And this one is going to be a bitch because they have shitton of elite african pikemen.

But that's why I brought our Worgozez here (well that and Bling... but mostly Bling).

Ok, now we have to use them before those fuckers push us back to germania.

Worgozez are special, they are supercharged anti-armor unit (13 AP attack, that's fucking ridiculous) that scares enemy infantry.

And they just make elite units rout, exhausted elites but still elites.

Quite high losses but our units costs peanuts compared to elite africans (Worgozez are crazy expensive though, almost 700 mnai upkeep).

 

[Ivar the Boner]

Update 26 - Treachery and Doom.

Spoiler

Welcome back to Let's Play Riveropa Campororum.

Dirty unwashed Phoenician is confused after seeing Glorious Celto-Germanic Master Race for the first time.

oy vey iz mir, oh weh!

Gonnapokeya!

Noyadon't!

GONNA!

Ok, we won only because they ran out of time. But we killed more of them than they killed of us so all is well.

And we continue removing romani.

By autoresolving.

Enslave, too much population of different culture is bad for business.

And speaking of business...

Ok, this one won't be bridge/river/city defense. It will be actual open field battle HOLY SHIT.

Our reinforcements arrived but we are going to hide in the woods until they join us because carthaginians have crapton of skirmishers (and some elephants).

Ok, everyone is in position so we crouch to become invisible.

The fuck are they? they supposed to be here...

I don't know man, they must be here somwhere...

HOLY SHIT!

We routed those skirmishers so we crouch again to become invisible...

-I think I saw something, a man with a shield and spear.
-Must have been a rat...

HOLY SHIT!

Those guys retretead in orderly fashion so we throwed few javelins becose this crouching shit won't work again.

Because dem 'fants arrived

And this time our unit is retreating but not in orderly fashion.

Ok, elephants are routing so we can concentrate on winning this battle.

Which won't be that hard because they have only two units of real infantry (Loricati Scutari and some dudes with spears).

We have some losses but we are near Emporion and Tolosa so we won't have any problems with reinforcements.

Ok, this is last time a post results of bridge/river battle because that's kinda waste of your bandwith.

Lusotannan you stupid fucking race traitors, ve gonna crush you like skull of pig for this trechurey!

But first ve have to deal with ze enemy zat don't live in huts made of shit.

Again, I'm doing it myself because I don't want to lose half of my army here.

We have to enslave them. I would love to have some recruitment center so far west but population is raging to much to keep them alive.

I'm getting tired of those greek fags waltzing on our clay, just fucking kill zem allright?

Sure victory but we will have a chance to test our new Italic army style.

Suebic willingness to use local troops made us into vat ve are now, ze masters of ze west. But Sweboz are not bunch of spineless fags zat will accept every gayfag whorehouse custom of conquered people becuse its hip, like zat one dude you probably heard about. No, Sweboz not like zat, but sweboz needs swordsmen so I decided to accept Italioans in our armies.

But we still need spearwall in the front, simply because spearmen don't get tired on guard mode (and swordsmen do).

Greeks don't have any archers so we can easily force them to attack us by shooting the shit out of them with slingers.

It's just a field test so we are doing what we would do in real "fair" battle. I would try to keep enemy infantry in one place with our spearwall and then flank them with Hastati. We have a lot of cavalry but it's still only light cavalry so we will use them to butt-charge enemy that is already breaking.

Greek "army" is pretty much gone so we will just swarm their phalanx with hastati and go fight real army.

Test was a success.

And now let's deal with real thing.

It's still slightly shitty army though.

Let's see if greeks are so confident again to come to us.

And it looks like they are.

But their first attack broke before we even used our Hastati.

Now they used their good shit.

Hastati may have swords but they are still hastati and their morale sucks.

But that's okay because greeks are also running.

Shit works fine, man.

But Koinon Hellenon still have on stack on our clay.

 

[Ivar the Boner]

Update 27 - Offensive in Iberia.

Spoiler

Lusotannan, in their infinite wisdom, decided to send all they've got at Lemonum and left their last city almost undefended. It's time to make them pay for this mistake.

We could have done it earlier but they were quite useful "allies" when shit in Iberia kept rebelling to them from Carthage.

Our bridge-war is still raging in Iberia. Not very surprisingly, we are winning. Meanwhile in the south, we are getting ready to finally destroy Romani once and for all (because dudes at Creative Assembly decided to delete two things that made oryginal Medieval total war challenging even unmodded - Re-emerging factions and civil wars. In rome when shit dies, it stays dead. In Medieval you had to constantly watch happiness in counqered territory because it spawned doomstacks of Re-emerging factions when happiness dropped below 140).

Oh and we have this one last greek stack to kick out. It's complete trash army so no point in showing you battle.

And now we finally have free army to do what I was planning to do since we took Capua:

Take Sardinia and Corsica. It won't take any heat off Iberia but it will help our economy and hurt theirs. And since it's only one season away from Italy we don't need war-fleet, one fleet of puny kayaks will be sufficient.

Also, what was a fucking chance for a Geat (guy from modern-day sweden) to see a fucking elephant in 200 B.C? because Hauhaz is fighting fucking elephants every season since we told him to go to Iberia. He will have a lot of story to tell when go get back home.

Ok, it's time to destroy them pesky romans.

I actually wanted to autoresolve it but I missclicked. Maybe it's for the better, Autoresolve can screw you over even with 10 to 1 advantage.

ENSLAVE! we need ports* here, not population.

If Iberia goes FUBAR again we can start operation "Zama" and just land in africa.

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE WESTERN EMPIRE!

I tried to smuggle one army through the woods but Carthaginian stumbled upon us. Well, we could ambush them but terrain should be wooded anyway so fuck it, WE'LL DO IT LIVE!

Terrain is flat like my ex but we have some woods to hide our troops in.

I though about doing this shit we did against romans with hiding butt-rapist but nah, we will hide everyone.

We have general but he can't be everywhere and our Iberian "allies" have shitty morale so we better try to take those elephants out with slingers.

We killed one!

And that's it, just one.

Ok, enough hiding! throw pointy shit at those beasts!

Pointy sticks killed few of them.

AI uses cavalry to scout woods which would work if we were not "experts at hiding in the woods". When cavalry noticed our hidden soldiers it was already too late.

Then I decided to send axemen against elephants because why the fuck not?

We pinned one elite african pikemen and it's time to use our Worgozez.

Those bastards as fast so we can keep them in the center and then just told them to run whenever we need them.

On our right flank, elephants routed and we can finally use our cavalry.

And Worgozez completely raped africans.

We killed routing units and now we have to deal with what is left of carthaginian army.

Carthaginian general decided to just charge straight into our spearwall and we can encircle him with cavalry.

He died and battle is over.

And the game crashed and I have to re-do this battle so results may vary.

I decided to take a look at our general here and I noticed that he is very good commander. And I also "loled" at "Hate Carthaginians" trait description.

Ok, those are final results of this battle. We failed to kill carthaginian general but we annihilated his army.

Our glorious KRIEGSMARINE!!!!!eingaz of kayaks is ready.

And next season, it shall take our army to Korsim.

We "destroyed" around 5 or 6 carthaginian stacks, they will surely bring more here but I think we have small window of opportunity to take some of their Iberian possesions. We abandoned our bridges and got attack by some bullshit stack.

We have nice hill and we outnumber them so we should be allright.

They were nice enough to bring some elephants with them so our swedish dude can still brag that he fight elephants in his every battle.

We are getting attacked from two sides so some of our spearmen are in strange formation. Fortunately regular spearmen flanks are not as vulnerable as phalanx.

Time to unleash our surprise...

They haven't done anything but their presence alone made dem phoenicians flee (actually, we fought phoenicians only once or twice, those guys are mostly lybians and other africans).

And now we just have to take care of reinforcements.

Which wasn't hard at all.

 

[Ivar the Boner]

I decided to be nice guys and play in higher resolution (from screenshot 15 on) because my pictures are probably tiny as fuck on your spiffy cool monitors.

 

[Kashmir Slippers]

No! Not Rome!

Excellent updates, though.

Sieg fur das ruhmreiche Reich!

 

[Storyfag]

No! Not Rome!

Excellent updates, though.

Pretty much this. So when are you planning to take on the Boii?

 

[Merkwürdigliebe]

Oh I thought you were resizing them to save on bandwidth, any way looks better this way.

 

[Ivar the Boner]

No! Not Rome!

Excellent updates, though.

Sieg fur das ruhmreiche Reich!

They were asking for it!

No! Not Rome!

Excellent updates, though.

Pretty much this. So when are you planning to take on the Boii?

Later good sir, I fear them verily we have more pressing matters at hand.

Oh I thought you were resizing them to save on bandwidth, any way looks better this way.

No, I think kodex or picasaweb is resizing my pictures because I originally played in 1024&768 but my screenshots still seemed smaller than that in updates. I have two monitors here but both are ancient, one is not capable of displaying 1280 & 768 with refresh rate above 75 Hz (and 75 fucking burns my eyes). But I just plugged in second one this one can display with 100hz refresh rate so my eyes are fine and pictures should be slightly bigger.

 

[Fafnir]

 

[Storyfag]

Also, we are now just 8 posts from page 6.

 

[Storyfag]

This was actually much easier, when the Playground was configured to 20 posts per page. But then we had to switch to this sorry XenForo outfit.

 

[Storyfag]

A travesty, really.

 

[Kashmir Slippers]

Carthago delenda est.

 

[Ivar the Boner]

Update 28 - Offensive in Iberia

Spoiler

Noricum, homeland of very hardy people who guarded mountain passes against Italioan incursions. But Italioans are no more, and independent Norici are no longer needed. We need to subjugate zis people... and zis vill be very good practice before ve try to stir shit up with ze Boii.

Carthaginians smuggled some soldiers into our territory and try to assault Numantia.

I seriously doubt they will be able to take it with this shit.

But hey, we are actually defending walls this time so I thought it will be worth showing it to you.

Their battering ram got burned down, surprising absolutely no one.

And then their niggers forgot how to ladder.

Zis is fucking pathetic. Get out of ze city and kill zem!

We killed one carthaginian family member.

And then we proceed to kill second one (and actual leader of this "army").

Carthaginian siege expert are still not sure how to ladder.

Unfortunately enemy general managed to escape and we had to dry our tears by killing their siege experts.

How ze hell zey managed to build such a huge trading empire is beyond me.

Our army landed in Korsim, ready to rape and pillage.

And I've found dude who will be responsible for subjugating Norici.

Carthaginian fleet managed to bring some reinforcements to Korsim but nowhere near enough to save it.

ENSLAVE! RAPE! PILLAGE! with our shitty barbarian infrastructure we won't be making much money from trade and farming anyway.

Our offensive continues as we siege Sucum-Murgi in Turdulia. Too bad Arse is not in Turdulia because that would be material for capital...

Phoenician bastards managed to bring relieve army here. They have some scary shit so we have to hope for terrain advantage.

And I think we have all the terrain advantage we need.

Those guys are quite though but they will be exhausted before they even reach us.

Satbity-slash.

Yeah, they are too tired to fight.

But another Carthaginian army is coming and they have elephants.

And we can't do much about them.

We were saving our javelins and since this army is considerably bigger than the last one we can finally use them.

Ok, enemy tries to flank us with elephants and we can't allow them to do it.

... So I told my swordsmen to charge elephants because I don't have any other ideas to be honest.

Meanwhile, carthaginian general is getting ready to mess up our shit in the center (heavy cavalry can easily push us uphill).

Well, our swordsmen made elephants go apeshit so we better get them out of there.

And carthaginian general is fucking up our center so we have to reinforce it with men from our left flank.

This pretty close up of a tree means we killed enemy general.

And with completely exhausted army fighting uphill it means mass-rout.

Sucum-Murgi must have been enslaved before because population is low and happy so we shall just occupy it.

Reinforcements from Emporion arrived and we can start siege of Arse.

And land in Sardinia using our kayaks because we are dicks of highest caliber.

Oh, hai.

those are really good soldiers but they are too few to threaten our army.

You may notice that game looks like shit in this update. Well, I'm trying to prevent constant crashes so I lowered level of details and installed some EB 1.2 sprite fixe. It seems to be working because this is 5th or 6th battle this update and game didn't yet crashed.

But it looks like shit.

Our slingers can't do much against Iberian Assault Infantry from the front but killing their skirmishers forced them to charge us.

They will go through our spearmen easily so we have to start flanking them with Hastati.

And some cavalry butt-charging should also help.

Yup, they got fucked up and we are free to conquer Sardinia.

Our first anti-Norici army is ready but we will have to wait until we finishes recruitment of second one before we start subjugating Noricum.

And Karalis is under siege. We shall assault it next season and hopefully this will screw up Carthaginian monster-economy a bit.

 

[Fafnir]

 

[Storyfag]

Bumping for greater glory

 

[Fafnir]

Bumping for greater glory

 

[Storyfag]

Aaand done.

By the way, does anyone remember which EB file contains the triggers for the military reforms? I edited it because I couldn't have been arsed to pray for a suitable character to produce the Marian Reforms (not knowing, at the time, that it would be much simpler to cheat proper traits for one), and now I'm stuck with Marian Reforms AND Augustan Reforms in 100 BCE. Which is, I'm sure you understand, unacceptable. I'd like to restart, but then I'm sure I'll get the Marian Reforms far, far too early - in 172 BCE! So if anyone remembers which file is it, and could upload it somewhere, I'd be very grateful