Ivar the Boner
Arcane
Update 31 - Imperial ambition
That's what is left from our great army that was sent to conquer Noricum. I said we don't need Noricum to win the campaign but I also didn't said that this LP is over when we win the campaign. We need Noricum to connect Pannonia with Germania because without it we have to march our armies from Vindobona to Sweboland through fucking alps (or risk getting raped by Norici which we did once, to conquer Illyria, but we avoided rape).
Iberian war is going as planned though. Baikor just surrendered without a fight and it's going to be enslaved.
Archers were completely useless against Rome and Carthage but they may help us fight Norici and Boii. We have acess to really good baltic archers and Ascaucalis is pretty close to Eburonum and Noricum.
We have some random Carthaginian stack besieging Tyde. We have one free army around there somwhere so we should be able to either relieve it or just take it back.
Baikor is ours so we can make a move on Gader. I decided to put few units on a nearby bridge to stop smaller stack from annoying us or delay march of larger army.
Ok, that's bad. I hoped this army will march to relieve Gader but it attacked our army besieging Oxtraca. We have to retreat and hope they don't have enough move points to attack us again.
Unfortunately, they do have enough move points.
We are fucked here. Our "army" is just some leftovers from earlier conquests and Carthaginians have two generals (which means two units of Sacred Band cav), full unit of elephants and infantry is mostly Liby-Phoenician spearmen (not elite but reliable heavy hoplites).
And they have some cavalry on top of that. Well, I decided to hide our units all over the fucking map so Carthaginians will have to work a little to destroy this army.
It looks like carthaginians sent fucking elephants to scout the woods.
And some cav as a support. Well, their scouts stumbled upon our naked weirdos.
And elephants are about to meet Dunaminaca. I don't think that swordsmen are perfect counter for elephants but we can't be picky in this battle.
We had some cavalry hidden in nearby so we can deal with enemy cavalry. Elephants may be a problem though.
Or not, our swordsmen routed them.
Then I told our cavalry to chase routing elephants because I'm fucking stupid.
We lost some horsemen and elephants went apeshit.
Slingers won't be much help in this battle so we will just send them to lure enemy cavalry into a trap (preferably through raging elephants).
Ha, you dumb motherfuckers.
This battle was lost before it begun so losing some slingers to lure enemy sacred band into a trap is not a big deal.
SURPRISE BITCHES!
Now we have to sandwich this motherfucker.
If we are going down, this guy is coming with us.
Our units on the other side of the map are about to get raped though.
They are not Sweboz but maybe they will stop this army of darkness for a minute or two.
And give us time to kill some isolated enemy units.
There is huge-ass rock in the middle of this map and it forced carthaginians to split their army in two. Later they decided to split it even more to look for our hidden units.
But for now, our units are finding them.
This flank is about to get raped but we have Sweboz units there and carthaginians will have to love them long time (because of our high morale).
Our right flank is dead and our main line is getting encircled. But we still have cavalry that was doing nothing after they chased elephants for a while.
Ha! You can run but you cannot hide, we are taking you fuckers with us to HEL! (Glorious Hel with one L, not this eastern popamole bullshit that was not yet invented. Or actually, this is battle, we are going to Valhalla).
CHAAAARGE!
Dayuuum, I did not expect that!
Now we can encircle Elite African Pikemen because our 56 guys (group 2) is keeping most of carthaginians occupied.
And there goes another carthaginian family member, and this was leader of this army.
Elite pikemen routed and now our general can lead our "main force" to glorious charge on rest of carthaginian army, ensuring place in Valhalla for our brave warriors.
... Or just rout the enemy...
... And win the battle.
Even after hundreds years, historian will never be sure what excatly fucking happened here.
Things didn't went as I planned so those guard keepers are pretty much useless here. Well, maybe they will kill few carthaginians.
Or not, bastards have too many elephants.
Ok, they failed at their quest to kill mucho carthaginians but they did something even better - they killed carthaginian general.
Now we can start siege of Gader because I think Harjawfulaz will be able to deal with potential relieve force (they have elephants but no general).
Lethriskaz just pulled victory from the ass of defeat but he can't reach safety of town, we had to put them on a bridge.
We replenished losses we suffered during battle with Norici. But we are learning animals and we will bring more than just two armies next time.
As I expected, Harjawulfaz have to deal with relieve force. I think he got this because this fucking circus army of elephants don't have general.
But we didn't have any cavalry to chase fleeing enemies so we won't get Gader for this.
That's surely is going to fucking help them in Iberia (or maybe they formed it to threaten Ptolemaioi, I'm not sure).
We can just assault Gader because garrison there is almost non-existant.
Slavery is the only way! (unless culture is "barbarian" which is not the case here).
Sneaky fucking carthaginians!
But I seriously doubt this ambush will go well for them.
Nope, it didn't. We even managed to kill their general.
And we can start siege of Oxtraca. Also, we've build a fort near in case Captain Adonbal would want to try something funny.
Iberioa is almost conquered, now we can start part zwei of our var with phoenixians...
INVASION OF BALEARES!!!1!!11eingaz. Vhy? because fuck phoenixians, that's vhy!
That's Balearic slingers stack, this battle might be ugly.
But we have nice woods to hide so we should be golden.
High losses but this army is completely expendable and will be disbanded anyway after they take this island.
That's nice, we got free general for this battle. I'm going to adpot this bugger because we are low on family members.
And now we can finish conquest of Iberia.
By autoresolving siege of Oxtraca.
ENSLAVE! they are right culture but very butthurt.
Captain Adonibal is last Carthaginian left in Iberia. He have quite big army so we will have to deal with him sooner or later.
And we almost finished recruiting fourth army to take Noricum so I hope that next time I won't make fool of myself trying to conquer those damn people.
That's what is left from our great army that was sent to conquer Noricum. I said we don't need Noricum to win the campaign but I also didn't said that this LP is over when we win the campaign. We need Noricum to connect Pannonia with Germania because without it we have to march our armies from Vindobona to Sweboland through fucking alps (or risk getting raped by Norici which we did once, to conquer Illyria, but we avoided rape).
Iberian war is going as planned though. Baikor just surrendered without a fight and it's going to be enslaved.
Archers were completely useless against Rome and Carthage but they may help us fight Norici and Boii. We have acess to really good baltic archers and Ascaucalis is pretty close to Eburonum and Noricum.
We have some random Carthaginian stack besieging Tyde. We have one free army around there somwhere so we should be able to either relieve it or just take it back.
Baikor is ours so we can make a move on Gader. I decided to put few units on a nearby bridge to stop smaller stack from annoying us or delay march of larger army.
Ok, that's bad. I hoped this army will march to relieve Gader but it attacked our army besieging Oxtraca. We have to retreat and hope they don't have enough move points to attack us again.
Unfortunately, they do have enough move points.
We are fucked here. Our "army" is just some leftovers from earlier conquests and Carthaginians have two generals (which means two units of Sacred Band cav), full unit of elephants and infantry is mostly Liby-Phoenician spearmen (not elite but reliable heavy hoplites).
And they have some cavalry on top of that. Well, I decided to hide our units all over the fucking map so Carthaginians will have to work a little to destroy this army.
It looks like carthaginians sent fucking elephants to scout the woods.
And some cav as a support. Well, their scouts stumbled upon our naked weirdos.
And elephants are about to meet Dunaminaca. I don't think that swordsmen are perfect counter for elephants but we can't be picky in this battle.
We had some cavalry hidden in nearby so we can deal with enemy cavalry. Elephants may be a problem though.
Or not, our swordsmen routed them.
Then I told our cavalry to chase routing elephants because I'm fucking stupid.
We lost some horsemen and elephants went apeshit.
Slingers won't be much help in this battle so we will just send them to lure enemy cavalry into a trap (preferably through raging elephants).
Ha, you dumb motherfuckers.
This battle was lost before it begun so losing some slingers to lure enemy sacred band into a trap is not a big deal.
SURPRISE BITCHES!
Now we have to sandwich this motherfucker.
If we are going down, this guy is coming with us.
Our units on the other side of the map are about to get raped though.
They are not Sweboz but maybe they will stop this army of darkness for a minute or two.
And give us time to kill some isolated enemy units.
There is huge-ass rock in the middle of this map and it forced carthaginians to split their army in two. Later they decided to split it even more to look for our hidden units.
But for now, our units are finding them.
This flank is about to get raped but we have Sweboz units there and carthaginians will have to love them long time (because of our high morale).
Our right flank is dead and our main line is getting encircled. But we still have cavalry that was doing nothing after they chased elephants for a while.
Ha! You can run but you cannot hide, we are taking you fuckers with us to HEL! (Glorious Hel with one L, not this eastern popamole bullshit that was not yet invented. Or actually, this is battle, we are going to Valhalla).
CHAAAARGE!
Dayuuum, I did not expect that!
Now we can encircle Elite African Pikemen because our 56 guys (group 2) is keeping most of carthaginians occupied.
And there goes another carthaginian family member, and this was leader of this army.
Elite pikemen routed and now our general can lead our "main force" to glorious charge on rest of carthaginian army, ensuring place in Valhalla for our brave warriors.
... Or just rout the enemy...
... And win the battle.
Even after hundreds years, historian will never be sure what excatly fucking happened here.
Things didn't went as I planned so those guard keepers are pretty much useless here. Well, maybe they will kill few carthaginians.
Or not, bastards have too many elephants.
Ok, they failed at their quest to kill mucho carthaginians but they did something even better - they killed carthaginian general.
Now we can start siege of Gader because I think Harjawfulaz will be able to deal with potential relieve force (they have elephants but no general).
Lethriskaz just pulled victory from the ass of defeat but he can't reach safety of town, we had to put them on a bridge.
We replenished losses we suffered during battle with Norici. But we are learning animals and we will bring more than just two armies next time.
As I expected, Harjawulfaz have to deal with relieve force. I think he got this because this fucking circus army of elephants don't have general.
But we didn't have any cavalry to chase fleeing enemies so we won't get Gader for this.
That's surely is going to fucking help them in Iberia (or maybe they formed it to threaten Ptolemaioi, I'm not sure).
We can just assault Gader because garrison there is almost non-existant.
Slavery is the only way! (unless culture is "barbarian" which is not the case here).
Sneaky fucking carthaginians!
But I seriously doubt this ambush will go well for them.
Nope, it didn't. We even managed to kill their general.
And we can start siege of Oxtraca. Also, we've build a fort near in case Captain Adonbal would want to try something funny.
Iberioa is almost conquered, now we can start part zwei of our var with phoenixians...
INVASION OF BALEARES!!!1!!11eingaz. Vhy? because fuck phoenixians, that's vhy!
That's Balearic slingers stack, this battle might be ugly.
But we have nice woods to hide so we should be golden.
High losses but this army is completely expendable and will be disbanded anyway after they take this island.
That's nice, we got free general for this battle. I'm going to adpot this bugger because we are low on family members.
And now we can finish conquest of Iberia.
By autoresolving siege of Oxtraca.
ENSLAVE! they are right culture but very butthurt.
Captain Adonibal is last Carthaginian left in Iberia. He have quite big army so we will have to deal with him sooner or later.
And we almost finished recruiting fourth army to take Noricum so I hope that next time I won't make fool of myself trying to conquer those damn people.
. Will keep following with interest.
