Let's press the button of awesome - Stolen memos found

[Frau Bishop]

You'll need to hear the whole story.

Grandfather, tell me a story! :manowar:

Yea, let's here the story. I'm all set for a night of nonsense and cheap liquor. So, please, continue.

 

[Gondolin]

Yea, let's here the story. I'm all set for a night of nonsense and cheap liquor. So, please, continue.

No, no, not one of those. A real story!

 

[Bubb]

What. The. Fuck.
This not running shoes and victim of road accident.

Lol, I love it how the boots still stand straight after the whole body of the darkspawns squish into blood sprays magically.

So extreme, bro. So extreme.

 

[Elwro]

The title of this thread still cracks me up :D

 

[DraQ]

What. The. Fuck.
This not running shoes and victim of road accident.

Lol, I love it how the boots still stand straight after the whole body of the darkspawns squish into blood sprays magically.

So extreme, bro. So extreme.

Derp Age 2.

 

[Freelance Henchman]

I keep thinking "LITTLE SHOESHOP OF HORRORS" seeing those lonely boots standing there.

Also, posting in an epic thread.

 

[circ]

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. EVERYTHING JUST FUCKING. EXPLODES.

AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AlsoI'mgoingtoeventuallyhavetoplaythisgameanyway.Imeanfucklookatthosetits.

 

[Canus]

I can see this LP consisting of much
And derp. Shitloads of derp.

 

[treave]

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. EVERYTHING JUST FUCKING. EXPLODES.

AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME. AlsoI'mgoingtoeventuallyhavetoplaythisgameanyway.Imeanfucklookatthosetits.

DONT BE FOOLED BRO TH E TITS ARE ONLY BIG IN THE OPENING THEY SHRINK 2 CUP SIZES IN tHE ACTUAL GAME

Also the whole "exploding bodies out of their armor" thing is even more hilarious when you see it in action. You're so awesome your sword strikes have the effect of a massive hollow-point.

 

[Needles]

Yea, let's here the story. I'm all set for a night of nonsense and cheap liquor. So, please, continue.

No, no, not one of those. A real story!

A real story?
Yes, tell me about when you were a boy!

 

[Stabwound]

The faces... are all the characters undead?

Dude, you ruined the plot twist.

 

[Frau Bishop]

Yes, tell me about when you were a boy!

Well then, I shall have to take you back with me, a long way in time...

 

[Twinkle]

It seems you guys and gals have fun even without me . Keep it up and don't forget to click often.

Also one suggestion for this LP (just my opinion) can you re-size the pics smaller say a 1024 size, in that the pics seem way to big and I have to scroll to read some of your comments on them (I use a 1280x1024 resolution when browsing the codex). They just do not really need to be that big. Just IMO.
+1

You're right. Done.

PART 2 - START THE TRUTHS!

At last we reach Create-a-Sim stage. I decided to go with somewhat unmanly type in order to appeal to widest possible audience. Unfortunately, this haircut is a close as you can get to spiky hair.

Importing final save from Origins is a total success.

It won't be pleasant for you or me.

Intro.

Meet the family. This is Awesome. Awesome Hawke.

His doable mom and dumb young brother. Bethany is here, just didn't make it into the frame.

Mom is tired and falls on her knees.

Tasteful MILF rape? Sadly, no.

Bethany raises a firewall. Begone, you perverts. Hawke and his bro finish off the stragglers.

I think that's all of them.

For the moment.

Maker save us, we've lost it all. Everything your father and I built...

As you can see paraphrases in the retardo wheel don't match what Hawke is really saying at all.

We have to get out of here while we still can.

Yes. You're right.

We should have ran sooner! Why did we wait so long?

Why are you looking at us? We've been running since Ostagar!

Are you two insane? If we stand around, we'll die!

Please! Listen to your brother.

Then let's go. Lead on.

So, the first taste of real kkkombat. You have only one active button - Pommel Strike. It is an useful ability to stun enemies but not exactly awesome.

Assuming direct control of Bethany. She has some decent stuff from the very beginning. HOT!

Level up for Hawke. Stats are inherited from DA1. Nothing interesting.

Jump strike. The first button of coolness.

Where is mah quest compass, dude?!

Wait! Where are we going?

Away from the darkspawn. Where else?

And then where? We can't just wander aimlessly!

We stay alive. That's the only thing we need to worry about right now.

We can go to Kirkwall.

What? Why would we go there?

There's a lot of templars in Kirkwall, Mother...

I know that, but we still have family there - and an estate.

Sighs Then we need to get to Gwaren and take ship.

If we survive that long. I'll just be happy to get out of here.

The darkspawn, well, spawn out of the thin air. Even Call of Duty devs try to mask spawn points. Bioware is too cool for such a pointless LARPing.

It seems we are not alone in our fight with darkspawn. A woman (?) and her templar husband are trying to defend themselves.

Ouch.

OOOUUUUGGGGHHHH. A woman ownz a hurrlock with bare fists. Pay attention at the spike.

You will not have him!

SAUSAGE!

They will not have you!

We got the memo.

Not while I breathe.

Don't worry, lady. Comrade Awesome to rescue. 11111111111111111111

It's over.

Stop squirming, Wesley. You'll make it worse.

Apostate, keep your distance.

Well, the Maker has a sense of humor. Darkspawn, and now a templar. I thought they abandoned Lothering.

The 'spawn are clear in their intent, but a mage is always unknown. The Order dictates...

Hey, dude, you are supposed to be dead already.

Wesley.

That woman is an apostate. The Order dictates...

Dear, they saved us. The Maker understands.

Of course.

I am Aveline Vallen. This is my husband, Ser Wesley. We can hate each other when we're safe from the horde.

So long as you know I stand with Bethany, templar.

Understood.

For now, we move with you. North is cut off. We barely escaped the main body of the horde.

Then... we're trapped! The Wilds are to the south! That's no way out!

I'm not running straight into the horde. We go south.

Bethany: friendship (+15)
Carver: rivalry (+5)


Bethany receives a promotion.

Moving further along the corridor. The game introduces a new kind of enemies - darkspawn bolters. They are nasty faggots thanks to the perfect aim and thus an ability to break mage's spells with ease.

More of them. This fight doesn't go too well.

Yet we are victorious in the end.

Aveline gets a new level. Generic tank with generic abilities.

That ogre again.

You soulless bastards!

Shameless copypasta:

Carver!

Note that the ogre behaves like a real gentleman, turning his gaze away from the mourning mother.

Warriors keep the ogre busy, while Bethany chips away his HP.

Ouch. The warriors are down. Game over? Not at all.

Show 'em advanced tactics. Bethany runs in circles are throws fireballs from time to time while the ogre headbutts darkspawn.

Not harder than the tutorial. Just more tedious.

Carver, wake up! The battle's over! We're fine!

I'm sorry, Mistress. Your son is gone.

No! These things will not take Carver!

If you fall apart now, you endanger us all.

Don't lecture me! This is your fault!

How could you let him charge off like that? Your little brother! My little boy!

Mother, we can't stay here. Carver wouldn't want his sacrifice to be meaningless.

Allow me to commend your son's soul to the Maker, Mistress.

Ashes we were, and ashes we become. Maker, give this young man a place at your side. Let us take comfort in the peace he has found in eternity.

I will never forget you, Carver.

Leave him. The darkspawn are gaining by the minute.

Flames! We're too late.

Cut it, Bioware. Really.

There is no end to them.

ROOFLES!

And the dragon turns into...

Sup, Kreia.

Well, well, what have we here?

It used to be we never got visitors to the Wilds, but now it seems they arrive in hordes!

Impressive. Where'd you learn how to turn into a dragon?

Perhaps I am a dragon.

If so, count yourself lucky. The smell of burning darkspawn does nothing for the appetite.

If you wish to flee the darkspawn, you should know you are heading in the wrong direction.

Wait! You can't just leave us here!

Can I not?

I spotted a most curious sight: a mighty ogre, vanquished! Who could perform such a feat?

But now my curiosity is sated, and you are safe... for the moment. Is that not enough?

You could show me that trick of yours. That looks useful.

Laughs

If only a clever tongue was all one needed!

Tell me, clever child: How do you intend to outrun the Blight?

We need to get to Kirkwall -- in the Free Marches.

Kirkwall? My, but that is quite the voyage you plan.

Your king will not miss you, hmm?

King Cailan was betrayed. There's nothing for me here.

I see.

Hurtled into the chaos, you fight... and the world will shake before you.

Is it fate or chance? I can never decide.

It appears fortune smiles on us both today. I may be able to help you yet.

And we should accept your help? We don't even know what you are.

I know what she is. The Witch of the Wilds.

Some call me that. Also Flemeth. Asha'bellanar. An "old hag who talks too much!"

Does it matter? I offer you this: I will get your group past the horde in exchange for a simple delivery to a place not far out of your way. Would you do this for a "Witch of the Wilds"?

I have to reach Kirkwall first.

But you will do it.

There is a clan of Dalish elves near the city of Kirkwall. Deliver this amulet to their Keeper, Marethari.

Do as she asks with it and any debt between us is paid in full.

No, she isn't giving him a handjob. Just an amulet.

Before I take you anywhere, however, there is another matter...

No! Leave him alone!

What has been done to your man is within his blood already.

You lie!

She's right, Aveline. I can feel the corruption inside me.

We can't afford that kind of liability.

No!

The only cure I know of is to become a Grey Warden.

And they all died at Ostagar.

Not all, but the last are now beyond your reach.

Aveline. Listen to me.

You can't ask me this! I won't!

Please. The corruption is a slow death. I can't...

Whatever you're going to do, do it. We can't wait.

Be strong, my love.

So the dagger penetrates plate armor and disappears without leaving a visible wound? Dark, dark magic.

Without an end, there can be no peace.

It gets no easier. Your struggles have only just begun.

Back to interrogation.

Flemeth.

I thought that might interest you.

You expect to believe a myth swooped out of the Wilds to save the Champion?

Oh, come now, Seeker. Do I need to recite the tale of the Warden as well?

No. Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised to hear of her involvement.

I liked my version better, too.

What else you aren't telling me, then? Did she send someone with the Champion?

In a manner of speaking.

So it's true. Continue. But if you tell me they all flew to Kirkwall on a dragon...

Nothing so fanciful, I assure you.

 

[circ]

Fighting, cutscene. Fighting, cutscene. Fighting, cutscene. Fighting, cutscene. Great intro BioWare. BETHANY INCEST MOD NAO!

 

[chzr]

i'd like to know if anyone managed to kill the ogre on nightmare without taking a ranged char and running in circles

 

[Storyfag]

A woman (?) and her templar husband

Wait, what? Aren't templars a monastic order? With, you know, vows of celibacy? I (unfortunately) remember quite a lot of templar wangst because of this fact in DAO. Oh, right, Bioware. Bioware cannot into consistency.

 

[Inziladun]

Maybe they don't have sex. Sleep in separate bedrooms and all...

 

[Awor Szurkrarz]

That game really needs a tastefully done rape mod.

 

[Pegultagol]

So what determines whether the PC's sister or brother gets killed by the ogre?

 

[chzr]

So what determines whether the PC's sister or brother gets killed by the ogre?

class. sister gets killed when hawke is a mage

 

[treave]

The face you've made reminds me of Sir Paul McCartney

 

[Angthoron]

This is quite awesome indeed.

 

[DwarvenFood]

The faces... are all the characters undead?

Hey, there is a spoiler tag you know, use it !! :godimsomadtheyremovedthissmiley:

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Paul McCartney is Awesome Hawke

Thank god I'm not the only one who saw this.

 

[Bubb]