Alas, 4th wall. We barely knew ye!
Greetings from the wooooooorld of tomorrow!
Using arcane secrets that would drive mortal men mad, I have gazed into the twisted skeins of fate and unravelled the future before it happened! I have foreseen a world in which fair KKKodexia tells me to let the druid remain dead, for he has had no witty catchphrases nor was his raep tasteful. Codex... The Codex never changes.
And if the prophecy does not come to pass? I can always load a previous save!
So without further ado, meet Berekan, from the famed dwarf fortress of Anusblaze who claims to be a Force of Nature.
My clothes are made from bear hands. I killed them with my bare hands.
....Right. Don't mind him. Anusblaze makes everyone a little unhinged after a while.
He almost made me forget my "reroll until you get an 18; take the first array with an 18 in it" rule.
*whimper*
Welcome aboard, BRO from the mountainhomes! You're a welcome sight, I tell you! You can't trust anorexic wishy-washy types with hair neither on the chest nor arse I always said!
How very crude.
You'll be paying for a lot of expensive drinks with unpronouncable names to erase that mental image, dwarf. Some of them will have parasols!
Anyway, when last we left off, our party had just
Stripped Spekkmeister of valuables and dumped the body in a ditch buried their dear comrade. Before leaving for the scenic village of Nulb there was a tantalizing lead in the metrosexual Lareth's diary they intended to pursue.
Nay, I come only to collect orders for Kingcomrade and Gremag. I am charged with keeping their store well stocked. Well, good luck in town. Farewell.
Not so fast, buddy! [grabs him by the collar] We know there's more to this! Now spill the beans before I sic the hairy dwarves on you!
I-I-I will not budge for no man's pleasure. But those dwarves look rabid -
RAWRGH!
I keep a suspicious eye on Kingcomrade and Gremag. But your silence holds my life, fo rmy life could be forfeit should I be revealed!
...Yeah, that sounds like a load of bullshit to me. Let's try this one more time. The truth, or I'll let the dwarf off the leash and you'll learn all about Anusblaze.
*sigh* Well, you are quite persistent. Since you're bound to find out sooner or later from that buffoon anyway, I might as well let you in on it. We'll take care of those two spies later.
Now we're talking
Yes, yes. Spies for The temple of
Biowarian Elemental Evil. They report to me and I report back to the temple. [Looking you over as if sizinf you up] this weeks report will be very interesting to say the least. Now let me go, farewe--- URGH.
Did you just impale him with your spear, Roxorowski?
Difficult to say. The time he was taking yapping it may well be a stray tree sprung out of the ground and grew up his arse and out his face.
At least wait until I make the "stabby" sign next time. I was about to demand bribes.
With their main source of bribe potential pushing up daisies, the party is forced to pick the Kingcomrade option
So how's business, Kingcomrade? Your prices seem almost as bloated and corpulent you.
Our prices are quite fair. Still, we may be able to make a deal. Between Kwanzanians.
The gig's up, KC. I got your courier to spill the beans faster than Bethesdas sloppy seconds. I know you and Gremag work for the Temple of Biowarian Evil
This messenger of yours is [grits teeth] lying! I cannot say what little games you or he are playing, but he is simply an agent for our supplier.
Oh, give it up Kingcomrade. You're the only one who's lying here. He told us everything. Now how are you going to convince us not to tell the uppity moderators up in the temple of St. Avellone?
Erm, perhaps a friendly gift might buy your silence on this rather sensitive issue. No cause alarming the good folk around here. This is not about them.
You'd better be talking magic items
[reaches under the counter] This enchanted shortsword will come in quite handy I am sure. And it is my best offer [looks at it] ...I think it buys silence quite nicely.
....Eh, it'll do.
Take your sword then,
friend, and remember what you have purchased with it!
*ka-ching!*
With nothing left in Hommlet except boring fetch quests, the party goes for a change of scenery. (for some reason I couldn't get any NPCs to trigger the location of emridy Meadows and brother smyth wouldn't give then second Co6 quest or the hill giant quest to us)
We pass on the oppertunity to conduct Kobold Diplomacy
Well, fuck me if I've the faintest clue where the nearest tavern would be in this dismal hovel
Back in Anusblaze, the Master Builder was working on a great steam engine that would produce giant arrows pointing at where ore was located so people didn't have to wander the tunnels. The
Quality
Utility
Excavation
Steam
Technology Compass would streamline everyones mining experience.
That has to be the silliest thing I ever heard! Why not just go into every house and rummage through their stuffies until we find what we want?
and you don't think the locals would take offense to us barging in uninvited?
[Flashes a winning smile] Noone ever takes offense to moi!
After a few duds, the party finally enters something resembling a tavern. Crooked makes a Beeline for the bartender
(Don't hurt me!)
And I am Bee the Crooked, of the Kodex Kaster Krew.
What would you like to drink?
Margarita!
Three measures of Gordon's, one of vodka, half a measure of absinthe. Shake it very well until it's ice-cold, then add a large thin slice of lime. Got it?
BEER!
AND KEEP IT COMING!
(I'll have a glass of milk, please...)
Five mugs of ale, coming right up!
Look, if you're not going to serve us proper, ladylike drinks anyway - can you at least tell us where we can find some decent adventure 'round these parts?
Action? I've seen enough action in my life.
Is that where you got the
cloth monocle stylish eyepatch?
My patch? I was injured around ten years ago. I used to be a mercenary for hire, until I settled down and bought this place.
[Perception] That would be around the time of the Battle for Emridy Meadows
[He fingers his scar] Yes, I was in that battle. [He seems lost in thought, talking to himself] What a terrible day. We got routed.
I always thought the temple side fought very Monocle
Really? Our moles still got popped
Nonetheless, the Kodex Kaster Krew would've loved to have fought next to them
You'd have fought on the Biowarian side?
Sure. Those uptight Avellonian priests are always telling people about how their choices have consequences. Bugger that. If I wake up one day and decide I want to be a dragon, no bloody Bishop of Immershun is going to stand in my way.
So are you interested in working with people who feel the same way? Who are tired of being oppressed and made to feel not awesome?
Indeed. Tell me more.
Perfect. There are some old ruins near here. I will mark your map with their location. Go there and speak with the guards in the tower in the back. Tell them Rentsch sent you. They will tell you what to do
While Bee was telling the barkeep what he wanted to hear, Neko Noir went off in search of proper, ladylike drinks
But the contents of the hidden drink cabinet turned out to be too much for her delicate sensibilities
And the padlock kept her from getting her paws on the good stuff
Since Bee was taking her sweet time buttering up the barkeep, Mrowakius joined in. He was originally going to scribe a copy of the partys sole scroll of Knock. But it turned out the english translation was still incomplete and he still could not into Polish
Stone sober (except for the dwarves) the group continued their search for a place that serves proper, ladylike drinks. (Possibly with tiny parasols in them)
What's it to you?
[He straightens up, smiles at Bee and offers his hand] My name is Grud Squinteye
[Shakes his hand] and I am Bee the Crokked, spokesbard of the Kodex Kaster Krew
Hrm. Tough, polite, wary. I bet you are resourceful too.
[Discreetly wiping her hand in a piece of cloth] that would depend on the pay
Well, you see, there is a large gar in the Imredys Run nearby. If you catch it and bring it to me, I will get you in good with the townsfolk here. They'll be friendlier and sell to you cheaper if they know you are a friend of Grud's.
So pasically the pay is zilch.
Why is this fish so damn important?
[clears his throat] Well, erm, I sort of told the other rivermen about it, and the dogs don't beleive me!
I see. And why don't you just go catch it yourself then?
I have tried! But it's a mean mother of a fish. Like I said, you looked tough and resourceful. I thought you'd be able to catch it. Maybe I'm wrong though...
Yeah, you can take the flattery an-
DEAL!
Great! Here, I'll mark it on your map! Good luck!
Berekän, do you mind? We have a modus operandi here. No pay, no play!
Wooooa izzit room spinnin' or izzit just me?
Are you all right there, Noir? You're looking pale.
NyaAaAaaaAAAAaaaAAaaa...
PalER than usual.
And so she was. somehow, Neko Noir had managed to drink herself into a NEGATIVE ability score. Jesus christ!
Heee heee... The water's so sparkly and stuffies!
So the party went in search of a hangover remedy. 'Cause noone fancied hanging around a grumpy witch with a headache in the morning. they tried batty old ladies in dark alleys...
But eventually had to settle for preparing a holy hangover cure
Problem was, Roxorowski needed absolute quiet to commune with his dwarven ancestors. And everywhere we went in Nulb was too goddamn noisy
While Bee was busy holding Neko Noirs hair back as she communed with the dark waters out back, Roxorowski seized the oppertunity to bling himself out
Right, I'm back. Huh, that's odd. I could've sworn we had save up enough for some bracers of archery by now.
While wondering where her filthy lucre could've gotten off to, some sleazy twerp approached miss Bee
Get those filthy paws off of me boy!
I ain't no boy! I'm Sammy, the apprentice smith here, old woman.
Well, clearly manners aren't part of your apprenticeship. Do you even know the first thing about smithing?
Yeah, and I know a lot about Otis the smith too.
and just what is that supposed to mean boy?
You give me 500 gold, and I'll tell you where Otis keeps his stash
Hrm, I think Otis might be interested in hearing about this
Wait a minute - no! I mean, we can make a deal, can't we? Here, I'll give you 20 gold to keep quiet! Let's just pretend we never met!
Sure. We can make a deal. But you gotta cough up more than that, insolent little manling.
[hands over his purse] fine you crook. That's about all I have. I hope you're happy.
thanks Sammy! I'll bet you're glad you tried ot rat out your boss to a stranger now. So where's this stash anyway?
Forget it! I never saw you! Leave me alone!
But the cat was out of the bag --
[hiccup]
-- figuratively speaking. Bee activated her Loot-o-vision and quickly homed in on the enchanted loot
Eventually the dwarves tired of carrying the resident witch around and demanded the group found somewhere she could sleep it off. After several lesser restorations, she eventually reached a point where she could cast identify without complaining about the blinding glare of "spell sparklies".
Roxorowski was - once again - the only member of the group who could use the chainmail. Noone had practical experience with longswords. But we'll hang on to it, just in case!
