Let's LARP the Emperor's Finest - a wh40k IF

[Commissar Draco]

Irunori propably has point.... but I won't flip-flop, Death and Glory!

 

[Ulminati]

Heck, the previous quartermaster left us with a pussy-ass faggot lasrifle with a folding wire stock to carry as a handbag.

root, where is my goddamn Armageddon-pattern autogun!?

 

[Darth Roxor]

Armageddon autogun (range 100m; rof S/2/6; damage 1d10+4 I; Clip 15; Reload Full round; reliable)

More importantly, where are the manstopper bullets

 

[Ulminati]

aaaanyway, I give this LP about 4-5 updates more before this happens:

Spoiler

Also, god damn it, this is almost making me angry enough to tell the regular group I GM for: "Fuck it. Pathfinder clusterfuck is on hold. Grab your FFG PDFs, we're going 40k". An honest-to-Emprah your-squad-in-deep-shitfuck-behind-enemy-lines campaign could be pretty awesome + allow some leeway in the squad makeup. Although I bet my players will and up bringing 5 commissars to the table unless I threaten them with the Stick Of Pain™.


IDEA!

....5 commissar-cadets. Have their commissar-mentor killed early on. Manliest commissar-cadet to make it back gets promoted.

 

[Kayerts]

The commissar, despite hating us, is still a commissar. She's the most likely to remain loyal to the mission, and killing us doesn't serve the mission.* Whereas the men are a lot more likely to turn on us. Ignoring Johanna might have repercussions should we somehow manage to survive, but we'll fall off that bridge if we come to it.

2 -- We must attempt multiple, simultaneous, and devastating defensive morale-boosting activities. Steel Legion Rain!

__
*Unless the lieutenant's preferred morale-boosting activity is to shiv the commissar and then rename our squad "The Penis-Havers," thereby uniting the men around a common purpose. She might object to that.

 

[Ulminati]

Unless the lieutenant's preferred morale-boosting activity is to shiv the commissar and then rename our squad "The Penis-Havers,".

"The Sausage Squad"

 

[Zero Credibility]

1) and 2) are the less bad choices here.

Voting 1)

Maybe we can make a temporary truce with the commissar. She could probably see the point in cooperating with us - if not because of her duty, then because it's the best chance she has as well. Together we could probably hold this mission together long enough to get horribly killed by the enemy, rather then by our own men. And in the very, very unlikely event of actually living through this we could use somebody to cover our backs now that we pissed off our commanding officer as well.

 

[Omicron]

2

 

[Baltika9]

Glad to see the 'Dex is keeping the old tradition of voting ourselves into early graves alive.
As for the vote, ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away, but there's not much to be done now anyways.
Our commissar isn't respected by the men anyways, she may be an SoB, but so what? It's down to five people, against an entire trench.

By the way, Root, is Khorne home, I'd like to call in some heresy, after we bolt the bolter-bitch first, of course.
If not, then voting for two and hoping you'll push the reset button soon.

 

[lightbane]

2, if we're going to die, at least we'll die trying to act cool...

 

[Jick Magger]

1. way I see it, we've long-since passed the point of no return in regards to bonding with our squad. We aren't Ciaphas Cain and we don't have the luxury of having personally saved the fellow squadmate's lives, so they like us about as much as the next officer. At most, they trust us not to be as much of a miserable fuckup as the guy who thought CAPTURING AND ATTEMPTING TO INTERROGATE AN ORK was a good idea. The Commissar is likely the most combat-able and least likely to betray and/or rout out of what's left of our unit.

Apathy isn't gonna get us anywhere, either. If we wanted to die then we'd of joined the sergeant on his jolly endeavour. Dying for the Emperor is good, but only when it has a point.

Once again, I TOLD YOU DAWGS. I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD OF GONE WITH THE KRIEG.

 

[exe]

FFS guys, we aren't fighting Orks. That was another planet. We don't actually know who we fight yet.

 

[Jick Magger]

FFS guys, we aren't fighting Orks. That was another planet. We don't actually know who we fight yet.

What if we're fighting Slaaneshi heretics? I'd imagine the interrogation session would've gotten awkward quick.

Christ, we could've had the German Imperial Army who're experienced with dealing with all enemies and experts in this kind of terrain. But no, we went with the guys who specialize in shit that's more or less useless in trench warfare and adept at fighting the one kind of enemy that we're explicitly NOT facing because LOLGASMASKS AND YELLOW UNIFROMS!

What is it with us and making really fucking bad decisions in 40k LP's?

 

[Ulminati]

Well, we're fighting something that uses Artillery firing explosive shells.
Nearly all Xenos we know of prefer hit&run or at the very least non-attrition warfare, which pretty much rules them out. tyranid might like it 'cause biomatter, but they don't have artillery in the classic sense and the biomutated flora and fauna should've been evident by now if it was them. Necrons might go for attrition warfare of a sort too, but they use magic space laz0rs, not explosive shells.
The Big Bad chaos factions (CSM/Daemons) don't use artillery outside orbital bombardment. Also, not big on attrition warfare since Khorne decreed that it's for pussies).

So what's left?
Orks - Looted dakka
Traitor guardsmen - Basiilisks, except unclean
Sevrely under-supported chaos cultists and/or mutants, who killed the guardsmen/pdf and took their basilisks.

 

[Darth Roxor]

Tyranids (no artillery)

Could be a genestealer cult

Christ, we could've had the German Imperial Army who're experienced with dealing with all enemies and experts in this kind of terrain. But no, we went with the guys who specialize in shit that's more or less useless in trench warfare and adept at fighting the one kind of enemy that we're explicitly NOT facing because LOLGASMASKS AND YELLOW UNIFROMS!

It was explicitly stated at the start that we shouldn't base our regiment choice on the planet we are on now.

 

[Jick Magger]

It was explicitly stated at the start that we shouldn't base our regiment choice on the planet we are on now.

True, I'm probably just being drunk and cross right now.

Well, we're fighting something that uses Artillery firing explosive shells.

Maybe cultists/traitor guardsmen supported by The Iron Warriors? I wouldn't say the iron warriors are here in force, because if they were then we'd all be dead by now.

 

[Ulminati]

Hell-o Fantasy flight games!

Spoiler

Nested spoiler time. I found this lovely page while waiting for IBS to spit out ~80k lines of data for me:
http://1d4chan.org/wiki/Imperial_Guard_Regiment_Creation_Tables
So I went to random.org and rolled up a regiment. Anyone else got something cooler?

Spoiler

[Regiment Origin]

Regimental classification: 3 (Imperial guard)

[Regiment Demographics]

Recruitment Criteria: 97 (Roll again) 2+1 -> 32, 3, 19 (Nobility, all female, all-male) (Guess the last 2 cancel each-other out)
Nature of Recruitment: 4 (Elite Tithe, best of the best)
Regiment homeworld: 58 (forge world)
Home world Predominant Terrain: 71 (Wasteland)

[Regiment Tactical Information]

Regiment core units: 74 (Drop)
Specialization: 4 (Lightning Strike)
Loyalty rating: 3 (Fanatical. No remorse, no retreat, no fear!)
Specialized equipment: 66 (Augmented Troops)

[Regiment Relations]

Regiment Creed: 93 (Steel Over Flesh: This regiment believes the way to victory is through machine augmentation)
Regiment friends: 77 (Imperial Navy)
Regiment enemies: 46 (Tyranids)


STEEL WILL FIX ALL YOUR FLAWS!

Tyranids (no artillery)

Could be a genestealer cult

True. Hot interspecies rape of commissar still possible

 

[Zwist]

2
Grow a monocle, will you?

 

[Storyfag]

2 please.

 

[Hellraiser]

2) BROS BEFORE HOS BROS

Also we might as well try to act like a fucking officer for a change.

Who's fucking bright idea was it to kill the quartermaster?

 

[Ulminati]

Who's fucking bright idea was it to kill the quartermaster?

Pretty much everyones. It's dumb in retrospect but the choice was given without any context. Heck, I read the OP as "The quartermaster is dead. Was it you or someone else who killed him?"
And we could've avoided 95% of the repercussions of killing the QM if people hadn't been faggot-ass bitches and gone adeptus kitchenus instead of working with the commissar, taking command on their own, or having picked conscript/enlisted so that being made QM would've equalled a promition.

 

[Renegen]

I just wanted to say root that these updates are a bit faster than even 1 a day. I failed to vote to charge blindly because I happened to be asleep.

I vote 1 for this round, fuck the chain of command, we're 5 people and we need to become a band of bros.

edit: I didn't vote to kill the quartermaster

 

[Jaedar]

1

The men don't respect us, they never will. But they can be made to fear the commissar, which is not ideal, but better than nothing. Besides, if we get 3 more corruption points we might get a malignancy which ain't cool at all.

 

[ironyuri]

So many votes to be a limp dicked faggot and beg the Commissar not to BLAM us. Awesome. Limpdick McFaggot shall ride again! (Just not the Commissar)

 

[Ulminati]

At least he's CONSISTENTLY Faggot McLimpdick