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As if I didn't know Azira has a hidden stash SOMEWHERE in Redlabored, stuffed with smuggled booze, makeshift anal candles (pure basalt), and socks (stolen from Kalin)
jokes aside, it's hard to play DF without trading - don't try this at home
I don't care what dwarf I get assigned to as long as I can toil in the farms (or cook/bake or press oil), and defend my "mountain polis" in the militia.
Also we should declare our independence from that oppressive monarchy ( I don't care if Grimwulf wants to have an affair with the Queen), we are a soviet commune for Marx's sake! We shall build the greatest wall to keep those hippy arrogant frog eating elf's out of our land.
Keep up the good job Grimwulf , loving the dialogue.
Currently having an issue with my save file. Nothing game-breaking, mind you, but I would rather have it resolved before unpausing the game.
While waiting for a more competent person to answer my call, I decided to make this flavor write-up, to get you in the mood and help me feel the characters better.
If you're not into the RP aspect of KKK, ignore this post - next update coming up this weekend.
18th Limestone, 125, Early Autumn
The Surface
Five, six, seven dwarves, including a dwarven child. Are you ready, Kalin?
I wus BORN rehdy. Beatin' da crap outta new boyz? Dis is my shit.
*approaching the outpost*
Friends! Komrades! Allow me t--
I'M DA BOSS 'ERE, ROCKFUCKERS!! Ye wanna 'ave a new lief in Rodlubrd? Den ye OBEY KALIN, OK?
MOVE. *pushes Kalin aside and heads straight down to the Outpost*
WO-- FU--
Tee-hee *jumps her way towards Kalin and puts a finger on his nose tip* PUM!
*whispers* I'm da buss naw. Kalina Dyesiezure.
Obey me, ok?
Ugh, you are so BORING. *jumps away towards the outpost, giggling all the way*
*turning red in anger*
Alright, that was... new. As I was saying, on behalf of Redlabored, welcome to your new home. If you follow me to the outpost - temporary outpost, mind you - I will show you around.
And then what, grandpa? Make us change your diapers?
Excuse me, WHAT?
*rolls eyes* Old dwarves, you are all the same — senile farting trash-talkers.
I AM ONLY SIXTY-SEVEN, you little maggot!
Whatevs. *heading to the outpost with an over-dramatic sigh*
Ye stay here, Azira. I'll be rite back. Gonna grab mah fookin' WAR HAMMER and SMASH dese new arrivuls TA FECES!
Pieces. Not feces. *his voice is somewhat low and deep*
Wot do we got 'ere, ANUTHA SMURTASS, eh?
Moh boy Shorast can hear you swearing.
It's fine, dad.
It's not. I want you to swear correctly, like a proper dworf.
LISTAN ta me, ye walkin' horror, ain't nobody in fuckin' Radlibrul can swear liek KALIN!
Do you see, boy? Poor swearing only makes a dworf look padhetic.
*nods, but tries to keep his distance from Kalin just in case*
Will you tell us your name?
Kogsak Trudwhip. Call me Friend. I'm used to it.
Hello, Friend.
*chatting with each other, staying away from the group*
Who are the dwarves behind you?
*whispers to himself* Hommm, what were deir names..?
Storyfag and Baud?
Dot's right. Two broders, came here searching for sister. I dhink. You should know dot we were not traveling as a single group. We all met in a tavern, in de hillocks of Tiredroom.
I know the place.
Why is all of ya so friggin' UGLY?!
I have dhree kids from a dworf who considered me attractive. How many children do you have, Kalin?
HUNDRUTS, probubly. Mah YUGE dick 'as been places.
Figures. You look like the type who rapes prisoners.
Enough already! Friend, tell us what we're dealing with. You've been with these dwarves for a while - anything we should know?
Hommm... Let's see...
Spigot is cool.
Aye, de big dworf who walked right past you.
He's not that big, dad. He's tall but skinny. Spigot looks big due to the bear furs he wears.
*nods* Dot tall dworf is chill. Grumpy and impulsive at times, and yet he can strike a good conversation, as long as you talk to him in private.
Not a crowd type, I take it?
Spigot becomes aggressive when dere's not enough, hommm... private space.
Every bear needs a cave.
Where did dat come from?
Heard it from Spigot.
Heh, can't wait for him to see our glorious dormitory.
Screenshots taken from Armok Vision.
I'm sure he'll love it. Right, Kalin?
*scratches ass INTENSIVELY*
Riiiight.
Lagole Lon, da annoying kid - just ignore him, preserve your sanity. I heard you're all from Plankplunged? Den you should know da type. Dose rich kids. Too cool to hang out with us normies.
Privileged little fuck. *spits*
Zefon Dyeseizure, da crazy one... Hommmm. Look, dis whole family is... How do I put it?
Fucked up.
Aye.
I see. And what's your story, Friend? What brings you to Angèrith?
Just looking for a quiet place to settle. Raise moh boy in peace.
You said you have three kids?
Shorast is da youngest. My odher two are 12 and 13 years old. Can make dheir own decisions.
Do they have a mother?
*looks down and shakes his head*
*stares in the distance with a sad expression*
We all came here to start a new life, Friend. I cannot say it is quiet in Redlabored, nor can I promise peace. But know this: as long as you stay with us, you will receive the best medical treatment you could hope for.
*grunts* Yar face cud use sum treetmint, "friend."
*approaches the group with a long, LOUD yawn*
Baud, I assume?
Where is the bathroom?
Birthroom? BIRTHROOM?! I'LL MAIK YE MOUTH MY FFFUCKIN' BIRTHROOM!!
Ho hooo, chillax, dwarf. Why so edgy?
Everything alright, bro?
This dwarf here wants to do something to my mouth.
Not cool, bro.
That's gay, bro.
Das it. DAS IT! WELKUM TO MOTHERFUCKIN' REDLABURED!! *Assaults Baud and Storyfag, beating the living shit out of them*
Later that day
The Hospital
That will suffice for now.
Woo, hold on there, Zira - can I call you Zira?
No.
All you did was wipe my face with a smelly sock. You didn't even wipe all the blood, Zee.
I think I've lost some teeth.
Bro, you lost more teeth here in the hospital than up there fighting.
Can't call that a fight, bro.
Nah, it was fine. Kal may have beaten us, but I'm sure he's beating himself over this as we speak. Feeling guilty can be a bitch, bro.
You think he's feeling guilty?
Of course he does! I say we've taught Kal a lesson today. High five, bro!
*high-fives Baud*
*facepalm* Get out, both of you.
*enters the hospital* Doctor Azira, may I-- BAUD? STORYFAG!
Eeeeeeey!
*hugging and kissing each other in the most annoying way possible*
What happened to you?
Took one for the team, sis.
What do you m--
CAN IT WAIT? I have a tight schedule today. Still have to make a full medical examination on Mustawd and snatch some so-- I mean, resupply my stock of bandages before nightfall.
You need to chillax, Ziry. What's the rush?
You two - get out. Reinhardt, undress and lie down on the bed.
Let's go, bro. We shouldn't look at our sis naked.
*mumbles* I wish I didn't have to either.
Later, sis! We'll go find something to drink.
They left. Finally.
*lies on the bed naked*
*mumbles* The horror...
Doctor?
Yes, ah... Lost myself in thoughts for a moment. Back to your face, Reinhardt.
Do you think I'm attractive?
*takes a moment to collect himself* From a medical perspective, your cheeks are too fat, your eyes are too small, and your lips are too big. Everything can be solved with a simple procedure.
Is it painful?
Pain is subjective. I need you to close your eyes.
Um, okay...
*reaches for his pocket* Relax your buttcheeks. You will feel... basalt.
*makes a PUSH* Heh heh, entered like it's coming home. I'm not that rusty after all.
*paralyzed*
Let it sink. It will take some time.
Hhh... hnnng...
While we wait for it, there is another issue we should deal with. Your skin is too dark. Fortunately, I know a way to give it some color.
Ngh... Nghooo...
*starts bitch-slapping Reinhardt vigorously*
Hours later
Whew. What an exercise.
P-please. N-no more.
Color - check. Less fat on the cheeks - check. Smaller mouth - check..? Why are you still so grueso-- I mean, gorgeous-not?
P-pull it out... *weeping*
BROWS! OF COURSE! *smears wax on Reinhardts forehead*
P-please...
Don't twitch! Hair transplantation is a delicate procedure. Speaking about hair... where do I get some..? Oh, silly me. *with a swift, professional motion of his hand, tears off a chunk of Reinhardt's pubic hair*
HHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG
Best part about anal candles? Speech impairment. Your husband strikes me as someone who appreciates quiet behavior. Good news - you won't be able to speak as soon as I'm done with you.
*tears run down like waterfall*
Oh, and don't forget to smile.
S-s-s-smile..?
Think about it this way. You have a solid chunk of basalt deep inside your anus. Nobody knows about it, and... *starts attaching pubic hair to the wax on Reinhardt's forehead* I can assure you, there is no way you will ever stop thinking about that candle. There is no getting used to it. *attaches second pubic eyebrow* Is it not reason enough to smile? Knowing something that no one else knows? Having a dirty little secret? Come on, Reinhardt. Smile.
*sweating profusely*
By the GODS, I'm so good at this!
18th Limestone, 125, Early Autumn
New migrants! New dwarves to talk to! I bid you farewell, diary. I don't think I will ever need you again.
19th Limestone, 125, Early Autumn
Dear diary.
Dwarves are fighting each other. Nobody wants to follow Kalin's orders. The Kommissar called for everyone to gather in the Dining Room.
While waiting for the others, I decided t
*kicks the diary out of Sqeecoo's hands*
Hey! What was that for?
Showing off my legs, tee hee.
Look, umm... Zefon?
Call me BROTHER FRANK!
Don't mind my wife. Last year she made me call her Father Marcus. And the year before that, she was my son, Jacob Junior.
Say that you love me.
Love you.
SAY MY NAME!
... I love you, Frank.
That's BROTHER Frank!
Love you, Brother Frank.
Hehehehe
I'll... just... leave. Yeah.
Kiss my kneecaps, Storyfag. Kiss them good.
*joins Helly at another table*
My, my, my. If it isn't my best friend, an unfathomably open-hearted child of Anir.
Good to see you, Helly. You too, Wayson!
If mine was a word maker of mythological predisposition, it would still be a squabby exercise conveying the blessedness I sentiment.
He's happy to see you too.
I thought you'd be hanging out with Mustawd and Reinhard?
Ahhh, a sad topic to discuss. You see, Mustawd is blaming me for bringing them here. He fails to see any bright sides of our current position, and once he makes up his mind - there is no convincing him otherwise. Do you know what they say about stubborn dwarves?
What?
A stubborn mind conduces as little to wisdom or even to knowledge, as a stubborn temper to happiness.
That's deep. I think. Don't get it, to be honest. Oh, look - the Kommissar is coming.
AWRIGHT, YOU CURSED BRAINFUCKED GOBLINSPAWNS! Everyone intending to stay in Redlabored will follow TWO RULES that define Kommunism! NO TROUBLE and NO HOMO!
Uhh, what if some of us haven't decided on their gender yet? Define "homo."
NO HOMO!!
Pffft. Whatevs.
I AM YOUR GODDAMN KOMMISSAR! I am the one-dwarf-GOVERNMENT of this place! Those appointed to administrative positions speak on behalf of the GOVERNMENT! If I hear A SINGLE REPORT about one of you FUCKERS disobeying the GOVERNMENT, there will be no investigation and no trial! DISOBEDIENCE in Redlabored is equal to NOT LOVING KOMMUNISM, which is OBVIOUSLY a mental condition. Dwarves with mental conditions will be FORCED to undergo a MEDICAL TREATMENT done by Azira, CMD.
Lobotomy.
*uncontrollable shaking*
Now I want EACH AND EVERY NEW MIGRANT report to my office ONE BY ONE! This is Kommunistic Kommission, komrades! Azira, Kalin, you're coming too. For a more accurate Konsensus.
Later that day
Kommissar's Quarters
NEXT.
*enter the room*
Wot part of "UN BY UN" did ya not understand?
Moh boy is seven years old. Cut us some slack.
Name.
Friend. And dis is Shorast.
Greetings, Kommissar.
Occupation.
Farmhand. Used to work on a ranch.
Purpose of visit.
Start a new life. Raise moh boy. Find somedhing to... keep me busy.
Political views.
Indifferent.
Wrong answer.
Hommm... Guess I'm a kommunist now. Whatever dat means.
Good! I think we're done here.
Git out. GIT OUT! OUT, YOU FUCKS!!
Hommm, okay...
*exit the room*
Well?
That was the only sane one. Shorast seems like a decent kid too.
Ugly as fuuuuuug.
Are you both drunk?
Are you not?
This is KOMMUNISTIC KOMMISSION, for fuck's sake! DO WE HAVE A USE FOR FIEND AND SHORTASS OR NOT? Am I gonna have trouble with these dwarves?
Too muny farmurs already. I say Masun dooty.
Mason it is. *writes down some gibberish*
NEXT.
*enters, yawning* Sup.
Name.
What name, Grimmie?
YOUR FUCKING NAME, YOU STUPID FUCKTARD!!
Woooow, Kal! Take it easy, bro. It's me, Baud! We, uh, had a friendly spar yesterday.
He's not "Kal." And Kommissar is not "Grimmie."
Come on, Az! We're all friends here. High-five!
*hand still hanging*
Occupation.
As in, which room I'm currently occupying? Dunnow. Can I get a big one?
*reaches for the war hammer*
Your profession. Idiot.
Oh, ha ha. Your questions are kind of vague. Used to be in militia, and loved it. Hanged out with my bros, took it easy, you know how it is.
Purpose of visit.
Umm, you called me yourself? "Report to my office one by one"? Remember?
What? Why are you looking at me like that, Kal?
You'd better go, Baud. The sooner - the better.
Alright, cool. See you later, bros. Oh, almost forgot, where is the bathroom? Like, seriously, can't find it.
GET OUT!!
Meanwhile in the Dining Room
So how did it go, cousin?
*shrugs*
Any thoughts on our so-called "leaders"?
Hommm... Not really.
Still can't believe I met you here. What a small world, huh?
H-h-honey? D-do you n-notice an... any c-change?
*doesn't even look towards Reinhardt* Let me tell you everything you need to know about the locals. See the happy trio over there?
*chatting and laughing merrily at the table across*
The huge one is Heldóttir, the bitch who manipulated me into coming to this cursed place. Don't buy her smiles and don't listen to anything coming from her mouth. She is as cold as they come. Will play you like a damn fiddle if you give her a chance.
Where were you headed originally?
Girderjoyous. Was hoping to... You know.
... Boy.
*looks down, trying hard not to show tears*
Go fetch us some drinks, will you?
*nods and goes away*
Don't mention Girderjoyous in moh boy's presence, Mustawd. De wounds are still fresh.
Apologies, cousin. I should have thought.
*doesn't say anything, entirely consumed by memories*
How's Zan? Etur?
Zan is doing well for herself. Settled in Plankplunged some mondhs ago. Etur has been living in Routedpillars for... Hommm... More dan a year by now.
Good to know.
H-hon? M-m-musta--
*still ignoring Reinhardt* But now you are here, cousin. As well as Shorast. You should hear me out, for both our sakes.
I'm listening.
Let's see... The dwarf talking to your bear friend is Merc.
*standing well away from the tables, cursing at elves, rats, bats, trees, nature, bad luck, and basically everything they can come up with*
Spigot is not moh friend. I doubt he has any friends or family at all.
I see. Well, Merc is driven by his half-arsed principles, which nobody understands or cares about. He might be a good carpenter, but when it comes to personality, he is a sorry excuse of a dwarf.
If you say so.
See two dwarves in the corner? The silent ones?
*Tindrli is sipping his ale, while Sukhavati is tinkering a weird device. Sitting at the same table, but not exchanging any words*
They would be trustworthy if it wasn't for their blind loyalty. Gods only know why on earth do they follow Grimwulf, Kalin, and Azira.
*looking at Tindrli and Sukhavati* Maybe dey don't care about da leaders and politics? Maybe dey have some... personal demons to fight? I can relate to dat.
Speaking of demons. Kalin is the most unstable, sadistic, merciless dwarf I have seen in my life. He is the manager of this place. Let it sink in. What kind of "leader" would appoint someone like Kalin as a manager?
As long as de job gets done, who cares?
That's the problem, cousin. Nothing gets done around here. Even Azira would handle the position better, and that should say something.
Azira seems to have a good head on his shoulders.
Friendly, polite, always ready to listen? Don't let him fool you, cousin. Azira has a dark mind. Kalin may be sadistic, yes, but Azira? Full-scale maniac. You cannot possibly imagine what he is capable of.
*starts sweating even more*
Hommm... At least de Kommissar keeps dem in check.
Grimwulf is insane. There is no other word for him. Insane. And not in a funny way like your companion over there.
*dances on the central table, singing a song* TWO BOATS FLYYYYYING IN OUR TIME, IN OUR BLOOD - THE CHILDREN CRYYYYYYYYYYING IN GREAT PAIN, WITHOUT LOVE
But we are together now. You and me. And Shorast. My wife and her brothers.
R-r-rea--
Even the dancing girl, Storyfag's wife. We are one family. One clan.
*thinking*
All I want to say is we should stick together. *whispers* I know for a fact, there will be elections soon--
GET OUT!!
*comes out of Kommissar's Quarters* Phew. Those dwarves have some major anger issues.
You alright, bro?
As always, bro! Let's grab a drink!
Meanwhile in Kommissar's Quarters
This one rubs me the wrong way.
Ditch da fukker. *spits*
As much as I want to agree with this - trust me, I really want to - we need every dwarf with military background we can get.
Hrmpf. You're right. Queen Bomrek is spreadin' word about Redlabored. NOBODY FUCKING ASKED HER, but she does nonetheless. It can attract the wrong kind of attention.
We should hurry up with military barracks. And defensive measures in general.
Nuthin' can defend ya from DIS *grabs crotch*
*sigh* NEXT.
*kicks open the door*
Name.
Spigot.
Occupation.
Cut the crap. You're the boss? I'm the new brewer.
Doesn't work like dat, Spiggy. I'm da manager he--
I'm not having this "manager" bullshit. Will talk to the boss if I have to. Otherwise, stay the fuck away from my still. AND BUILD ME A PROPER BAR, damn you!
Hold on, friend--
Eat shit and die. *walks away, SLAMMING the door behind him*
Love him. No homo.
... Well then, since we have a new brewer, Helly should get another assignment.
I'll have her kut wud.
We could start burning wood in the furnace. Redlabored will need charcoal eventually. A lot of it.
Each day widaut a bonas burns me from da inside.
How sad. NEXT.
*dances her way inside the room* BOOKALAKA, tee hee
Name.
Brother Frank.
*sends Kalin a blow kiss*
Occupation.
Yes.
The Kommisar asks what your profession is?
Dominating giant kingsnakes.
That's just random words. We already have Wayward Son for that.
I take a giant kingsnake. Squeeze it real tight. And put it inside my body.
Dominating giant kingsnakes.
Bitch, WOT CAN U DO?!
CHEESE!
Ah, a cheesemaker.
DYE!!
YOUR ASS will die if ye don't SHUT IT!
GLASS!!!
Wo--
BOOOOOOOOOZE!!!
Purpose of visit.
Spread purple dust.
Political views.
Lesbian.
NO HOMO!
No homo. Lesbian Brother Frank.
Alright, now I'm confused.
I am a dwarf-dwarf fucking a dwarf-dwarf. Wanna hop on the train? I have a few tickets to spare. *winks*
Get outta here.
You will dream about me tonight. *exits the room*
Nothing to discuss?
Nope.
Nu.
That's Kommunistic Kommission for you.
NEXT.
*jumps inside the room*
You again?
Ask questions.
Would you be so kind to go away and call next?
Ask questions.
*sigh*
Name.
Storyfag.
You are not your husband. Stop it.
Ask.
Occupation.
Personal slave. NOT yours.
This is ridiculous.
Imma little bit-ch.
Purpose of visit.
My whole life has no purpose.
Political views.
Brother Frank.
What are we supposed to do with you?
Let me go. I want to cry. *starts sobbing*
Just... go.
*runs outside*
Redluburd? Mor liek Kalin's Asylum, am I rite?
NEXT.
*waiting for a minute or so*
Dere wus sevun of dem.
I said NEXT. NEXT!!
*enters the room with eyes already rolled*
Name.
What do you care?
Don't test me, boy. I'm all out of patience for today. NAME, damn you!
Lagole Lon. *about to exit the room*
I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU! HEY! COME BACK HERE, BEARDLESS BASTARD!
*half-turns towards Grimwulf, still standing in front of the door*
Occupation.
Pffft. Working is stupid.
What did he say? I must be hearing things.
I'm not going to work, not now, not ever. I can make profit signing contracts with merchants and mercenaries. Start my own business. Do you know how many ideas I came up with? All of them would make me rich as fuck, but it's simply below my level. I could learn how to read and write in one day, make big money if I wanted to. It's easy for my generation, and even easier for me. I am smarter than you. But honestly, who cares? Life has no meaning. Money is bullshit. An illusion fabricated by old dwarves like you to keep us under control. I am not like others. I can see through your crap. Find yourself another brainless puppet and leave me alone. Old fuck. *exits the room*
That was cringy as all hell. Maybe I am old, after all.
He said money is bullshit. Let's keep him around. Maybe he'll become our broker one day.
At dis point we'r basicully accepting evurbody.
Everyone is equal in my eyes. Except you, Kalin. Can't do your fucking job for shit. NO BONUS for you this month.
Wo-- DIS MONTH?! HOW BOUT DIS FFFFFFFFFUCKING YEAR?! HOW BOUT A BONAS AT ALL?!
To each according to his needs. Speaking of which, I need privacy. And you need to work. Go on, chop-chop.
Great update as always, Kommissar, but... Didn't care much for Azira's plastic surgery segment, to be frank (not of brother variety) with you. Way too deranged and creepy for my taste.
Liked Hello Friend a lot, though. Got this Liam Neeson-esque serene widower aura, that dwarf.
Azira is a deranged dwarf, deep inside. Worships Shoduk, god of depravity (the only other follower of Shoduk is Sukhavati), has a rather grotesque history and a questionable moral compass. I know it's been a while and most people forgot his Rimworld counterpart, but it wasn't that different.
Azira is your friendly-neighbour-who-is-also-a-maniac kind of guy, one that you often see in horror movies. Rimworld-Azira had more pronounced alcohol addiction, but it wouldn't make sense in DF. Dwarves drink every day. They drink booze instead of water.
It's probably a bit too graphic in the latest update. Not as graphic as Usury's post of literal anal candles in old Rimworld threads, but still. I'll put this section in NSFW spoiler.
Again, it's not game-breaking or anything. Awright, might as well explain myself.
Remember those fancy isometric screenshots?
They were taken from a plugin called Stonesense. For whatever reason, this plugin stopped working at some point. The game crashes as soon as I run it. It works just fine in my other games, so there is definitely an issue with KKK save. I was hoping it will resolve itself and played through Summer without using Stonesense. It didn't. One techno-savvy buddy of mine promised to look into this tomorrow, so I'm waiting for his diagnosis.
I need those isometric screens in my life, men. Gotta fix it. Worst-case scenario, this LP will only have 3D screens from Armok Vision.
But KKK will not stop, no matter what. Redlabored will be fallen prosperous yet!
I have to properly finish at least one LP on Codex.
Future RPG Codex News
New Grimwulf LP abandons Codex approved isometric 3d in favor of real popamole 3d. Dwarves were already spotted building chest-high walls. Those were of the highest quality depicting candles and socks. And, considering dwarves themselves are only chest-high, were considered a tripping hazard by the OSHA.
They were taken from a plugin called Stonesense. For whatever reason, this plugin stopped working at some point. The game crashes as soon as I run it. It works just fine in my other games, so there is definitely an issue with KKK save. I was hoping it will resolve itself and played through Summer without using Stonesense. It didn't. One techno-savvy buddy of mine promised to look into this tomorrow, so I'm waiting for his diagnosis.
Good update and you successfully nailed the same style of shitty jokes I usually drop on my colleagues :D (except I'd never dare joke in a job interview, especially with a panel of communist sociopaths).
Sorry for kicking your door. As I approached your quarters I caught the unmistakable stink of rat, and my instincts took hold. Fortunately there were no vermin to be found, merely Kalin.
