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I for one am looking forward to all those masterwork murals depicting Little Faggut Kry Pussy Kuntface heroicly killing the beast Aril Fishmenaces. The next generations Archeologists will think he was the mightiest of us all and lead us to a glorious death future.
On second thought, those pictures will mostly be him sucking on Aril's scaly tongue, so.... I changed my mind. Nope. Don't want. Sad.
Legendary (IMO a bit of a poser) Dwarven metalsmith Urist Osbourne once bit off a head of a bat.
I took things to a whole new level. And you guys just can't recognize the greatness when you see it.
*watching as a huge muscular dwarf approaches Redlabored*
Rakust Smithglade.
Besmar Shootwades. Still pretending you can lead a mercenary company, I see.
It's been a while. Can't say I missed you.
So what did the famous werebeast hunter forget in this hellhole?
Tracking a young weregecko known as Baud. You don't happen to know anything about him, do you?
Aye, we heard the name. You'd better talk to the locals.
That was the plan. Move. *pushes the mercenaries aside and heads to the outpost*
Prick.
He is a living legend.
Doesn't make him less of a prick.
7th Granite, 127, Early Spring
The Outpost, Hospital
I'm dying. Kek. HALP!
*enters the hospital*
I fought Aril Fishmenaces.
My hero. Wanna do some roleplaying? I'm the nurse, you're the patient.
That would result in more kids, yes? No?
Yes.
Then no. Where is Kommanding Phycisian?
Drinking in the tavern. Sukhavati assigned a new perfomer, Matalarata.
His voice is making me moist.
Meanwhile in the tavern
*sings, but more like melancholically recites the verses* The halberd dropped down, his stomach felt pain. The legs were no more, he died in vain.
*stare at Matalarata in silence*
The end.
That was so cool! Can we have another one?
No.
Please? They say our military took down Aril Fishmenaces a few days ago - do you have a song about that?
*annoyed sigh* There once was a monster who ate the King's son. The head of that monster blocked out the sun.
*whispers to Nut-Kin* Have you seen Sukhavati recently?
She's running around the fortress collecting random stuff and stockpiles everything in mechanic's workshop.
Hommm, that sounds... strange.
Indeed. As I always say, never stock what you steal in one place. Someone must give her a lesson on how to level up her game. Different stashes, preferably in different fortresses, somewhere far away from Redlabored. I call it "offshore".
Shhhh. I'm listening to the skald.
The eyes of that creature look both east and west. Its blood can be deadly - avoid having sex.
*mumbles* Grimwulf fired me right before they confronted Aril.
*whispers* You should be grateful.
It was my chance to prove my worth. I hate that people only see the creator of Target of Crafts when they look at me. I am more than that.
You came to the wrong place. We're all equally insignificant here. Merc told me once, this community is called "The Glorious Workers" for a reason.
Reason?
We are the workers laboring for glory. Not the other way around.
That's just mumbo-jumbo.
*shrugs* He quoted Kommissar Grimwulf.
That explains it.
Why does this skald look so familiar..?
Trolls for breakfast, lizzurds for lunch. Until it confronted the Redlabored's bunch.
*starts sobbing*
*whispers* Are you okay?
They were willing to fight Aril Fishmenaces, but couldn't protect the fortress against a werebeast? My wife died. That's not fair.
Life isn't fair. This is true for any dwarf fortress.
Then why did you settle here?
I used to live in Singedshields.
A lot of taxes, laws, regulations - everything to make a slave feel like a "citizen". Redlabored is honest. Nobody gives a damn about us, and take little effort in hiding this fact. I can appreciate honesty.
*wipes her tears* Yeah... This place is all about honesty. *glances at the newsflesh hanging on the wall*
A gruelling battle, now Aril is dead. The prey killed the hunter, how funny is that? Not funny at all, for we feel the dread. Aril did not end us, its blood will instead.
Meanwhile in the barracks
*sparring*
Kalarion. Show me more energy. More skill.
Eh?
You should listen carefully to my every word. Better yet, write it down. Everyone here could learn a thing or two from the world-famous Slayer of Aril.
Lag, hate to break it for you, but you didn't kill Aril.
Yes, I did.
It bled to death. You just kept punching and kissing the poor thing.
Pffft. Fucking haters.
*examines her blood-covered sword*
Soooo, can we call it a poisonous weapon now?
No more than your cloak.
Or woman's nature in general.
Damn straight.
Nothing he says is straight, Kommander.
Since my presence is somewhat arousing for the majority of dwarves here, may I humbly ask for a leave? Just for a few hours?
Why?
I wanted to finish my draft. For the newspaper.
I'm going with you.
Uhhh...
What, are you worried about my SPEED? Gimme a moment. *starts taking off his glorious armor suit*
No, I was wondering why would you want to join me at all.
To provide my UNPARALLELED editing skills. A few GENTLE touches will only make your draft more OBJECTIVE.
8th Granite, 127, Early Spring
Redlabored
HHHHHHHNNNNNNGGGGGGG *tries to push Aril's corpse along the streets*
Do you need some help, friend?
YES! FUCK YES! *all covered in sweat*
*throws flower petals under Eryfkrad's feet*
You can do this. I am with you. Never give up.
Oh, you gotta be fucking me.
Don't let your dreams be dreams. *starts dancing*
*approaches Eryfkrad* What are you doing?
Trying to drag the corpse to the butcher's workshop.
... Why?
So you can butcher it.
How rude. Shouldn't we try to heal its wounds instead?
The thing is dead, you moron.
Awww.
You're supposed to be happy. This meat will provide years-worth of food.
I am a vegetarian.
You are an idiot.
Actually, I would rather become a vegetarian myself than eat Aril Fishmenace's flesh. Of all the methods you can use to commit suicide, ingesting deadly meat is the least pleasant one.
*shrugs* Water it down with sum good rum, I see no problem. I bet it tastes delicious.
*looks in the dead eyes of Aril* These eyes do look delicious. Okay. Carry on. *goes away*
"Carry on", he said. I COULD USE SOME HELP HERE, YOU KNOW!
*throws more petals on the ground* You are strong. Powerful.
Full-armored Grimwulf moves faster than Eryfkrad hauling Aril. God fucking speed.
Meanwhile in Kommissar's Quarters
*GLORIOUSLY kicks the door open*
Grimdork.
*throws a newspaper in front of Kalin*
Was dat?
Read it.
I kunt read.
Readan is fer pussis.
Then LOOK AT THE PICTURES or sumth, damn you!
*picks the newspaper*
I've killed a monster from legends. What did YOU achieve as the leader of Redlabored?
Broke a dik from yer statue.
DIS is da only dikk alluwd here. *grabs crotch*
I deserve a BONAZ! Your piss-boy Larvae Glow too.
As STRONGMAN ah did promise bonaz for evryone, an era of BONAZ - even for a littul losar like Logul! See, im not a PETTY man... If a dorf does a GREAT DEED of course dey shud git GREAT BONAZ!
Indeed. Now PAY UP!
Too bad tho... u littul kunts dindo SHEIT!
Huh?? Das RITE! Climbed atop a DYING trannysaurus to smack an fondul it as it dedded on itz own, woow BIG DEAL! Betcha it woud dedded twice as fast if ya just left it aluhn!
How FUCKING DARE YOU?!
An now wut? Idjuts runnin round draggin POZ blud splatter all over KKK das wat! BONAZ? ur bonaz is not gettin a BEATING!
I WILL MURDER YOUR FACE! Make it so MALFORMED, not even a DWARF THERAPIST will call you ATTRACTIVE!
*enters the room*
WHAT?!
Wooow, calm down, brothers! Why so angry?
YUR MUM wus angry when she kuldnt fit KALIN'S DIKK inside her PHAT ASS!
Hmm, you must be mistaken. My mom died before you were born.
GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, Squirrel! You should learn a thing or two about ANGER!
No worries, Kommander - I know what it is. Anger is an intense emotional state involving a strong uncomfortable and hostile response to a perceived provocation, hurt or--
OH, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
No can do, komrades! Not before you hear my report!
Ffffffff
You are the most annoying dwarf in Angèrith, COMPLETELY FUCKING INCAPABLE of showing ANGER!!
Why would I be angry? You are my friends! *grins*
For fark's sake. Jes get on with it.
Should we seal the caverns now?
Hrmpf. Kalin's call.
Nu. Keep dem open. NOW SCRAM!
Umm, maybe you should reconsider? We don't know what's lurking down there.
Send sekund-klass citizuns fer harvestin' cobwebs. KALIN demands SNAZZY outfit from SPIDERSILK! Espeshully socks.
Yeah, but--
GIT OUTTA HEAR! Oh, btw. Expurt of cabunets is PROHIBATAN!
You got it! Catch you later, brothers! *about to leave*
Hold on.
*turns to Grimwulf*
Why are you doing the manager's job? Where is Sukhavati?
She's, um... You'd better talk to Mediant about this.
11th Granite, 127, Early Spring
The Caverns
*collects cobwebs, grumbling mildly* Second-class citizens, my arse. Should have voted against Sukhavati. Worst manager I have ever seen, that bitch.
*a monstrous SHRIEK comes from darkness above*
*raises his eyes... and drops the cobwebs bag he was carrying, paralyzed with terror*
*backsteps, stumbles, falls, and starts mumbling prayers* Olon Wallrims the Blockaded Oars, protect m--
*growls*
*breathes heavily while crawling away*
*grabs Ezum's coat*
GET OFF ME! *starts fighting back* I'M NOT SCARED OF YOU!!
*surprised by the dwarf's ferocity, tries to grab him again*
*realizes he cannot scare the bat away* Ah... uh...
*spreads its wings, engulfing Ezum in pitch-black shadows*
Help! SAVE ME!!!
*gets a firm grasp of Ezum's right wrist*
*tries to break from the monster's grasp* HEEEELP!! *performes a desperate punch with the other hand*
*GROWLS in anger, then BREAKS the wrist VIOLENTLY*
*SCREAMS*
*manages to stand up, immediately starts running away*
*catches up with no effort*
Get off me! GET OFF ME!!
*gets REALLY angry*
*loses himself in unmanagable agony*
*eyes filled with bloodlust*
HNNNNGG!!
*INFERNAL GROWL*
*struggles to stay conscious, crippled and unable to fight*
*spits out Ezum's foot and opens the maw to bite him*
Ghhhhhhhh *performs one last attack, gathering all the strength he has left*
*SHRIEKS in pain and hatred*
gh-- ghhhh *blood gushing out from the neck*
*grabs Ezum by the head*
*looks in the monster's eyes, realizing that it's all over*
Meanwhile in Andnjord's workshop
Have you seen Sukhavati? Been looking for her for weeks now. My Doomsday Device Project needs to--
SHHH! Can you hear that?
Hear what?
Down there, from the mines... Is that... screaming?
By the Gods, EZUM PAGECHAINS is there! CALL THE PROLEBASHERS! NOOOOW!!!
12th Granite, 127, Early Spring
The Caverns
*rolls eyes* There's nothing here. Waste of my time. Let's head back!
Wait. *picks something from the ground* Ewwww...
*shrugs* Probably just Azira entertaining himself.
*stumbles over something soft* FARK!!
What is it?
... One of ours. Shit.
W-what happened..?
No idea. Wasn't pretty from the looks of it.
His corpse is half-eaten...
*barfs*
... Komrades..?
Wha?
*looks at the cavern's ceiling, terrified*
WHAT??
Now I know...
Know WHAT, damn you?!
Who almost killed Aril Fishmenaces.
*raise their eyes to the ceiling*
Zimkeleral. Plainvessel.
*SHRIEEEEEEEK*
Giant bats in DF are no generic fantasy bats. Three times larger than a dwarf, some are larger than a troll, and far more dangerous too. They have fully functional hands - some people claim they saw giant bats wielding weapons.
This bat, in particular, has a name - Zimkeleral. Only the most notorious beasts get names. Zimkeleral is covered in Aril's blood, so it was this bat who ensured our earlier victory. Aril fought back hard, as you could notice by Zimkeleral's wounds.
As for Ezum Pagechains, he was Mustawd's and Friend's cousin and our best weaver. He died while gathering spidersilk for Kalin's new, snazzy outfit. He was assigned as a second-class citizen by Sukhavati. He suffered unimaginable pain before he died.
Ezcum died with joy for da noblast reason, a gud dotiful dorf with kredit. As for murder bat - gud thing we have Logul the Legund, go furth an suckle it to death with Strongman blessing!
And here I was, thinking that I should fill the gap, while Grimwulf gathers his thoughts.
Still, here's an interlude. It should have occured shortly before the last update, probably.
Meanwhile in the tavern
[swinging mugs]
Peace, friends!
Piss off.
[sits] Peace is off indeed. Good thing we have mighty Prolebashers to protect us in these dire times. That Fishmenaces thing, really unpleasant. Bad for business. Glad it’s over. Say, have you lot thought about staying at our kolony?
Bwahahaha.
We came here to slay beasts. We slay, we leave. This’s the path.
And you do well enough, I’m sure. But have you considered how much better can you do here? We grow fast. Just a year ago there was nothing here. And now, look at us!
A shithole.
But with a great prospect!
Russian humour. Гуглим "Шарик перспектива".
Have you seen that wondrous trap our craftsmen made? Or that suit of gold of a senior komissar?
Baubles.
Won’t argue with you. But our riches would surely attract monsters and goblins and other lowlifes. And elves. Lured by gold and prosperity, all the beasts of the land would flock here as if to some unholy reliquary. Think about it. You stay here, you won’t lack targets of opportunity or trophies or fame.
Pretty sure you won’t last long when really bad critters appear.
Same thing they said about Aril Fishmenaces.
Drink synchronously.
Even more, we have a cavern complex below that could keep you preoccupied for years to come. Who knows what might lurk there besides Aril.
What if we decide to stay?
I can guarantee you that your service to the kommunity won’t be forgotten. Just ask our Strongman about his bonus. He was promoted recently. Got a brand new quarters, personal assistant and all. And when old Baud saved us from the werebeast and was badly injured in the process, he got a free ticket to a quiet sanatorium life in a countryside.
We’ll consider it. Now, if you...
Say, you ever thought about getting a manager?
A what?!
A manager. A guy to communicate your cause to a local administration, to acquire some supplies, to watch after your belongings when you’re on a quest and make your life generally easier.
We already have a communicator. See him? He doesn’t even need a mouth slot to speak.
How does he drinks then?
Internally. Now go away.
Then you definitely need someone to protect your interests. I can be one. And for that I’ll require only 10% of your profits. 30% would come to each and every one of you and I’ll get those 10% you can’t really divide into three equal parts already. How about it?
Sod off I say!
I need to send mail to mom from time to time.
You sure you’ll be able to get it to her?
Pretty sure. That’s my job after all.
You can just send it to her with a caravan.
I can’t.
We’ll discuss it later. And you – bugger off.
How can I be sure you’re good?
Ever heard ‘bout Lagole Lon?
Personally consumed Aril’s brain. Gonna inherit some of his powers. Vicious fella. And my client.
Bullshit.
Who do you think told him about importance of discipline?
And look at him now! Crisis comes, everyone stand around thunderstruck, but not Lagole. No, he jumps straight into a face of danger and tears that face apart with pure audacity! Just imagine what he’ll be able to do when we’ll get some quality weapons...
‘twas a but a chance!
...Few know, but he’s actually called La Long Dong. Eastern roots, him. Rare blood. Has a great path ahead, practically destined for greatness. Even Kalin, our strongman, accepts it and trains him personally.
[coughs beer all inside the helmet]
So think about it. Just 10%. It’s less than government tax and you’ll get so much more off of it.
Crossbow quality or material doesn't affect ranged damage one bit. Bolts do. Crossbow material affects its weight (heavy xbows make you move slower) and density (THICC xbows deliver more damage if you BASH things with them). Getting hit with a bone crossbow in melee is more humiliating than painful.
It's also a waste of bones.
You are a bowyer - someone who makes bows and crossbows from wood or bone. This is a single most useless profession in the game. Both bows and crossbows made from wood/bone are nearly worthless, regardless of quality. Using wood and bone for literally anything other than making bows or crossbows is always better.
The artifact you created before coming to Redlabored was really gud, though. The images depicted were so brutal, so gory and brilliant. Quality stuff.
But you destroyed it for no reason. So welcome to the Unremarkable Grunts Squad! Now go build a temple to the god only Kalin worships - STRONGMAN's orders!
Always remember: we're all equals here. Except second-class citizens ofc - fuck these guys, am I right Sukhavati?
How does KKK get more EVAL with each passing month, and I'm not even the villain of the story?
Fantastic update, editor-in-chief Grimwulf. Your editing skills are truly unparalleled - never in my 15+ years career have I witnessed anything remotely close to this. Good job.
Since I am now in prolebashers, I do get a battle moniker, right? right?
Well...
Gayus Maximus Masculinus. In memory of my dearly departed friends, Bigus Dickus and Continentalia Bottocks.
I would like to train in dual-wielding pickaxes if possiburu.
P.s. Glad to see Imagine is happily absorbing all the potential campiness, so Givi gets to be the resident Gay Gandalf instead.
