Follow along with the video below to see how to install our site as a web app on your home screen.
Note: This feature may not be available in some browsers.
Welcome to rpgcodex.net, a site dedicated to discussing computer based role-playing games in a free and open fashion. We're less strict than other forums, but please refer to the rules.
"This message is awaiting moderator approval": All new users must pass through our moderation queue before they will be able to post normally. Until your account has "passed" your posts will only be visible to yourself (and moderators) until they are approved. Give us a week to get around to approving / deleting / ignoring your mundane opinion on crap before hassling us about it. Once you have passed the moderation period (think of it as a test), you will be able to post normally, just like all the other retards.
Haven't been on codex for ages, but got some hankering for some LP, DF (what with the new update) and maybe even light RP so here I am. Got to page seven so far and saw the demand for more people to sign up as dwarves, so if this thing is stil running sign me up. No requirements yet, might change, lets see when I catch up to the latest post. If its not running anyomore, well, maybe I should think of doing something with the latest DF update. Haven't written anything in ages and well, I tend to get overwhelmed halfway into my LP's and abandon them cause I played too far in and have too many screenshots and too much stuff to write.
No one wants to be first. It's one of ancient seals set to protect humanity against threats from beyond. Who knows what horrors it will unleash upon the world if broken.
No one wants to be first. It's one of ancient seals set to protect humanity against threats from beyond. Who knows what horrors it will unleash upon the world if broken.
I hope we would get post-modernesque ending and it would appear that Grimdeer IS Grimwulf. Or it is Grimdeer who dreams the story of Grimwulf and Grimrust.
AWRIGHT, YOU BRAINRAPING BASTARDS, we'll do this YOUR way! Gonna post the finished bits of the current update one after another, as soon as they are ready. Might even manage to post these "updates" daily. Since you got NO FUCKING PATIENCE to wait for the whole thing, you'll get CLIFFHANGERS instead of KEY CHOICES! Das rite, asking me to change something or providing your CUNNING (my arse) ideas is useless, since I've played thru most of it, just didn't finish writing/image-cropping the thing. So don't bother.
Blame yourselves. Especially Lizzurd, that annoying bastard, piece of
AWRIGHT, YOU BRAINRAPING BASTARDS, we'll do this YOUR way! Gonna post the finished bits of the current update one after another, as soon as they are ready. Might even manage to post these "updates" daily. Since you got NO FUCKING PATIENCE to wait for the whole thing, you'll get CLIFFHANGERS instead of KEY CHOICES! Das rite, asking me to change something or providing your CUNNING (my arse) ideas is useless, since I've played thru most of it, just didn't finish writing/image-cropping the thing. So don't bother.
Blame yourselves. Especially Lizzurd, that annoying bastard, piece of
1st Granite, 127, Early Spring
Redlabored, Barracks
*BASHES the door open with his forehead*
That's one way to open the door. HAH!
Can we help you with anything, Kommissar?
That's KOMMANDER for you! Kommander Grimwulf!
I thought Kalin is our Kommander..?
Let me guess. You strangled Kalin to death but couldn't find a replacement.
Serves him right. He was a phony poser.
Kalin is the Kommissar from now on.
... fffuck
What happened? I thought you had your council thing, how could--
Who are you?
... Me? Oso. The Soldado.
We've met before. Andnjord's brother? Creator of--
You're fired.
WHAT, why??
Don't like your attitude. AND your face.
... But--
GIT OUT, I SAID!!
... Okay. *goes outside*
*grumbles* What a way to start.
Komrades! BOTTLE BROTHERS! You've been the running joke of this fotress for FAR TOO LONG! Today marks the AGONIZING BIRTH of a legend that is The Prolebashers! Never again will anyone laugh while passing by these barracks! As YOUR GODDAMN KOMMANDER I'm giving you the greatest gift you could wish for!
Day-off?
Booze?
WATER BUFFALO IN LILAC-COLORED DAMSELFLY CHITIN!
And a giant puffin tooth.
NAY! I will bestow a Chance to PROVE YOURSELVES IN BATTLE! We shall descend into the caverns below, and SLAY whatever causes those noises!
I don't want to be with the Prolebashers anymore.
Quit your whining, Spigot! You're FIRED from the lieutenant position!
Thank fuck.
I'm keeping you in the squad, though.
Fuck's sake.
You're sending us to die, Kommissar. *half-whispers angrily* Again.
SOME of you will die indeed. So what? You're all LEECHES, sucking off the blood and sweat of Redlabred! You've done NOTHING useful throughout your meaningless existence! DYING is the best thing - nay, the ONLY thing you can offer to this Kommunity! And if it helps to put down whatever noisy monster lurking below, well...
It's like killing two kids with one stone while missing the bird you were aiming for.
Seriously? That's your best metaphor for the situation?
I suggest we send out scouts first. Investigate the source of troubling sounds, get a chance to prepare accordingl--
You're fired.
May I ask why?
NO QUESTIONS!
But Kom--
Your voice is ANNOYING, your face is REPULSIVE, and I have a SAD FEELING in my MEMBER just LOOKING AT YOU!
You're just like my ex-wife. Now GET OUT!
... Well then. *exits the barracks*
Now. I need my lieutenant to fetch some REPLACEMENTS. Let's see, who do I want as the lieutenant...
Pick ME, Kommandorf! I have much experience hunting monsters!
Naaah. Too eager. I like my subordinates silent and lacking any willpower.
You should pick me. Among all the squad members, I am the only on--
A WOMAN?! ABSOLUTELY NOT!
Ummm...
No, not you. Kalin told me you're a fag.
Storyfag.
Still a fag.
That leaves Spigot. And me.
Hold on. I remember you. Lubricant Gone?
Lagole Gon.
Yes. You are the perfect dwarf for the job.
*rolls eyes* Fucking finally. Some well-deserved recognition at last. I'm taking Kalin's war hammer.
You'll have to take it from his cold dead hands. There is no way he'll give it away otherwise.
Pfffft. Spigot!
Wha?
Give me your hammer.
Go fuck yourself.
Wh-- HOW DARE YOU?! Kommander Grimwulf! I am, like, your right hand, right? Did you hear this lowly commoner disobey my order like that??
Right hand? More like LEFT BALL. The less productive one. In fact, barely working.
Essentially dead weight.
Please... Stop these metaphors.
You will fight unarmed, Softball. Just like your ancestors did.
My ancestors? What..?
Ancient dwarves, too retarded to figure out weapons. Just strangling each other with bare hands, dying by hundreds, if not thousands. Good times.
This is fucking ridiculous.
AWRIGHT, no time to waste! Go find new recruits and BRING THEM TO ME! NAAAW!!
Can I suggest Bobr? He is pretty gud with an axe.
The name doesn't ring a bell. I want that masculine miner, what was his name... Something brutal... Gore? Grave? Guts?
Givi?
YES, HIM!
How is he masculine..?
And the crazy she-dwarf who can't keep her fucking WOMB under control!
I'm here.
Not YOU, dimwit, the other one! Ugly as all hell, utterly useless, obsessed with Kalin!
Hehehehehehe, that's me.
Hurrrrr. I mean COMPLETELY obsessed with Kalin! To the point she wears HIS DIRTY FUCKING SOCK on her face all the time!
Oh. That's my sis Reinhardt.
Yes, Grainhat, whatever - just drag her dribbling butt over here!
Kommandorf! Just so you know, each of us has a callsign. Maybe it will be easier for you to use them, since, you know... Apparently our names are too difficult to remember?
Callsigns? Brilliant.
Mine is Penitent.
BMF!
Curmudgeon.
Dark Bloodlord of Destruction.
That's not your callsign.
SHUT UP!
Kalin called you LITTUL FAGGUT KRY PUSSY KUNTFACE.
Yes, that's actually easier to remember.
Pfft. Whatevs.
The new recruits will be called Shaftmaster and Socklicker. I suggest you make haste and drag them here.
What's the rush?
The entrance to the caverns is already unsealed. That monster might already be inside the fortress for all we know.
WHAT?? Oh, sh-- *runs away*
Dis gonna b gud. My Kommie senses are tingling.
That's the new squad. Being a NATURAL, TALENTED Kommander, I've distributed weapons and armor evenly among the Prolebashers. Remember that we didn't have much, coz Andnjord is a lazy fuck, and Kalin decided to take away one of our precious few war hammers. Therefore:
1. Grimwulf (Kommander): golden shortsword, golden shield, golden mailshirt, golden breastplate, golden greaves, golden helm, golden gauntlets, golden high boots.
2. Lagole Gon (LITTUL FAGGUT KRY PUSSY KUNTFACE): unarmed, unarmored.
3. Kalarion (Penitent): copper battle axe, wooden shield, copper mail shirt, copper greaves, copper helm.
4. Brother Frank (BMF): copper battle axe, wooden shield, copper mail shirt, copper helm.
5. Storyfag (Spetsnazovchik): copper battle axe, wooden shield, copper mail shirt, copper helm.
6. Stukos (Mercykiller): bronze spear, wooden shield, copper helm.
7. Spigot (Curmudgeon): silver war hammer, wooden shield, copper breastplate, copper helm.
8. Onul (Stalker): copper battle axe, wooden shield.
9. Givi (Shaftmaster): copper pick, wooden shield, copper helm.
10. Reinhardt (Socklicker): copper shortsword, wooden shield.
Meanwhile in Kommissar's Quarters
*RRRIPS off the dick from Grimwulf's statue and starts stomping it*
*stomp, stomp, stomp*
Soooo...
*stomp, stomp, stomp*
Kommissar Kalin?
UGH! Dat sounds GHEI! Imma b STRONGMAN Kalin!
Can we get back to discussing our current situation?
Yes, discussions! My favorite part of Kommunism! There is a severe lack of BINS in the fortress! I want to commission additional ones. Not too many, though.
Wh-- beans?
Redlabored is covered in vomit.
Cum again?
I've determined the source. One of the babies, Andnjord's newborn daughter, is barfing lactose left and right.
Lac--
Aren't you supposed to solve these kinds of problems, Azira?
There is no point. You labeled Andnjord's wife as a second-class citizen and sent her to work on the surface. Well, she can't leave the baby, so little Melbil is spending her days out there too. Which isn't good for the health.
U wo--
The point is moot. I canceled all farming, foraging, and smelting activities. Most dwarves will be building and hauling from now on.
Da fu--
As for the trading policies--
SHADAAAAAP!!! LISTEN UP SKRAGS! im da BIG MAN NOW! But! im not a petty persun - bygone bye gone! MY VIZUN: BONAZ EVRU DAY - FOREVUR! A happy FORTRESS begins with a happy KOMMISSAR! Now don worreh ima take a hands off appruch, aside from sum.... Minor adjustmints.
*mumbles* This is going to be bad.
ALL carrot wine is STRONGMAN booze! Fetch it to me!
Eww. Carrot... wine? I mean, we do have a few barrels - Eryfkrad brewed this stuff by mistake, but...
FETCH IT TO ME!
Yes, fine! I'll have someone bring it here.
Any dorf found drinkin muh carrot wine shall be PUT TO DEATH!
No sane dwarf would touch this stuff anyway.
ALL strawbraries are MINE!
We have no strawberries, Strongman.
Das STRONGMAN! Ye need to SHOUT wid STENGTH! STRONGMAN!
STRONGMAN!!!
Heheh, das rite. Now... Forugers must priorutize strawbraries and carrots.
*sharp sigh* I repeat: I canceled all foraging activities.
Ah need a gud GOBLET preferubly enkrustid with BLUE JADE!
Blue jade? Sorry, no such gem in our stocks.
Y U LIE?! GEMS must be brought to STRONGMAN office for... Inspekshun!
Fine, whatever.
Can we go now?
Gon need SNAZZY outfit!
... I will double our clothing production. Perhaps someone will make something "snazzy". Eventually.
Ima keepin mah silver warhammu... for sekurituh!
Yes, we figured that much already.
Tell Andnjord STRONGMAN demands FINE PEWTER for bonaz items! This is ABSOLUT priority!
As a metalsmith, I can assure you: there is no way he can produce fine pewter with resources available. We have neither tin, nor casseter--
I wanna pick up kraftin as a hobbu - bone kraftin, espeshully HORSE BONE!
No can do! No bones left! *grins in a friendly but somehow disturbing way* They don't call me Legendary Bone Carver for nothing!
Wanna cumpose a POEM to inspire the peepul... Dunno how.
Smth 'bout mah dad. Hmm. *makes a long-ass pause*
... Kalin?
He BASHD an SMASHD, his name wus KALIN. He fukkd, he fukkd, his name wus KALIN! FFFFUK YES, IT RHYMES!!
*facepalm*
Can we please go on with your "adjustmints"?
Ye ye, any DORF who knows da Fancy Glittering Poem must prefurm it to me - with KREDIT!
They perform in the tavern. Maybe you should spend more time over there?
Gon need a YOUNG SINGUL DORF FEMOID for muh private sekrutary - she gon sleep in muh room obv.
Hate to be a downer, but you won't find a young and single she-dwarf in the entire fortress.
I'm single. And young.
You one hundred and six years old.
So?
Even General Secretary Sqeecoo is younger than you.
Hey, thanks!
She's single too.
I kinda am-- Wait.
*stares at sqeecoo's non-existing breasts in sadness*
Nope. Nope. Nope.
Yeh... Nu.
Better luck next time, Kalin. Who knows what new migrant waves will bring.
*LUKs at Sukhavati*
*raises her pickaxe in a menacing fashion*
FEH! FINE! I'll sleepan alun. Fer naw.
I cannot assign another dwarf to sleep in Kalin's bedroom unless this dwarf is Kalin's wife/husband/lover. The only way to assign someone else is to make Kalin's bedroom a dormitory. But this will make Kalin go nuts - he is a mayor STRONGMAN now, and thus he has DEMANDS.
If you change your mind, I'm available.
If tradurs cum - new priorituh is to BUY GIANT WOLF TOOTH and HORSE BONE!
This doesn't make any sense.
JES DOET! Wot else..? Blubba is sentunced to 1 MONTH OF GULAG for disrespektun mah ATHORITY!
She is my intern.
So?
Can I simply assign her to grunt duty? Same thing as Gulag, only underground. Where we need her.
I have no objections.
Whutevur. GLAZER! If KKK does nut have a glazer we must find one immediutly - ah need ARTSY stuff with ASH GLAZE!
We have no glazers here. And no kilns either.
If no hab GLAZER dan Reinhard will be sent to rekruit one!
Sure. *mumbles* Unless Grimwulf dragged her into the military.
Tamburin NEEDS A STATUE in itz likeness.
*sharp sigh* Noted.
KKK needs a new tempul... To ECUM FAIRRIGHTEOUS! Next to STRONGMAN office preferubly, chop chop!
We have our hands full with Food District and Kommunalka.
PUSTPUN!!! TEMPUL IS PRIORETAN!!
*frustrated* Can I go already?
Ye. Wun last tang: Nutter Kin and Sukha will get speshul bonaz - within reasun obv. Selfushness in KKK will not be tolurated.
Nut-Kin..? Why?
DISMISST!!
1st Granite, 127, Early Spring
Redlabored, Barracks
My body is ready, dear Kommander. It could use one last hug, though. For old time's sake.
No hugging.
I mean it as an exercise.
Kommander Grimwulf, may I stay behind? Someone needs to protect the barracks. I am a mother, you know. *raises her mishappen son*
durrr
NEGATIVE, private Socklicker! Why do you think I enlisted you and Uncle Fred over there?
BOOBZ!
Yes, but also your babies. A baby's warcry is a weapon capable of breaking the most stable minds. Psychological warfare.
Brilliant.
*enters the barracks* Komrades.
Prospectah.
Inspectah, but it was close enough. I was the one who unsealed the entrance to the caverns. And... hrm. I saw... something.
Ores, gems, and cobwebs. Yes, we know. Thank thee kindly, you old yet terribly attractive komrade.
Your flattery is most unwelcome. Look, there is a monster lurking underneath. A towering - GIGANTIC, even - creature. Three eyes glowing with cold hatred. Walking on four legs, each the size of 20 dwarves. And the mandibles! Oh, those horrifying mandibles.
By the Gods. I know what you saw. It's--
A GODDAMN DEER!
...
A fearsome foe indeed.
Or maybe, just maybe, it's Aril Fishmenaces.
Who?
Kids these days. No appreciation for dwarven history. Don't you know about the rampage of Aril in Plankplunged in 18?
It was the day when Aril devoured Datan Grottogold, son of late king Dumat Claspgilt.
Datan would become our king instead of Queen Bomrek, if it wasn't for Aril Fishmenaces.
I thought that Aril was dead? Nobody ever heard of it for more than a hundred years.
Forgotten - maybe, but not dead.
It's a DEER, I tell you! Everyone's GEARED UP, I suppose? *wipes the dust off his golden suit of armor* Softball, lead my dwarves to the caverns!
Me..? Aren't you coming with us?
Don't let me hold you. I'll catch up. *struggles to move, completely anchored in place by his armor*
Yeah. Like, in a few weeks or so.
Hnnnnggg *moves an inch, already covered in sweat*
*dramatic sigh* You heard the boss figure. Follow my lead and obey my every order.
WE ARE GOING DOWN!!
*mumbles* Just like this fortress. Helly was right all along.
Redlabored, later this day
*tries to sidestep piles of vomit, but fails, again and again* Fark! FARK!!
We're all gonna die, aren't we
Just keep dodgin' it, friend. You'll be fine.
Hey. Sis.
Hehehehe
Just so you know... In case I die... *sigh* Forget it.
Wanna fuck my slave when it's over?
*throws a measuring look at Storyfag* I doubt he'll survive this either.
So?
SHHHH!! Did you hear that? *a LOUD, echoing sound resembling some monstrous moaning can be heard from underneath*
That shit sounded... close.
Strange... It almost sounded like... Pain. Agony.
Make haste!!
*start running towards the mines*
*runs towards Lagole Gon* HEEEEEELP!!! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee
What happened?!
SOMEONE'S SCREAMING DOWN IN THE MINES! Oh, Gods! Oh, Gods!!
*run for their lives, away from the mines*
*panting* Some poor fool went down there...
It was my sexy husband! Lizzurd!
... Shit.
Lizzurd... My gruesome friend.
*starts sobbing out of pure terror*
Meanwhile in the mines, 19 levels below ground
Huff, puff, huff, kek *trying to run away from Aril*
*approaches Lizzurd with determination*
*runs for his life*
*extends its neck at bites Lizzurd's leg*
AAAGH!! *blood splatters all over the place*
Hrngh!! Must withdraw!
*pursues Lizzurd, kicking as he runs away*
ARGH, FUCK!! Must withdraw!
HHHHNG!! How can it all end so quickly?
*kicks Lizzurd again*
FFFFFFUCK!!! Must... withdraw...
*manages to gain distance*
Blood. Must be Lizzurd's blood.
Dwarves. Look. *points his finger in the distance*
*slowly turns around*
Oh, Gods. It really IS Aril Fishmenaces!
If it's Aril... Then who or WHAT..?
Who did this to Aril?!
I have no idea. But tell you what. I will finish what they started. *grips his battle axe tightly*
*CHARGES ahead of the Prolebashers, screaming like a frenzied banshee*
*starts moving its massive legs towards the Prolebashers*
Cometh Monday, cometh the kommander. My word, what an updatan, what a cliffhangah.
:tears running down me cheeks (the upper ones) as I write this, thought this lp dead for sure:
Alright, that's it. Next Updatan WHEN?
I do not know what happened to Aril Fishmenaces and caused all those wounds. Apparently, Aril was fighting something in unrevealed parts of the caverns. Combat log doesn't show me what happens there. By the time Aril engaged Lizzurd, the forgotten beast was already half-dead.
No reason to relax your buttcheecks just yet. Half-dead titan is still a titan. Besides, the sheer thought of what might be lurking below gives me the shivers. Aril eats trolls for breakfast, so what in holy fuck's name has happened down there..?
whatever maimed aril was still not strong enough to kill her and more than likely perished at her hand claws. We've got nothing to fear.
P.s. Remember I am there to report, not to mess about and distract my more warlike comrades from their noble endeavor of hacking that beasto to pieces.
