Kodex Kommunistic Kastle. Fortress. Dwarf Fortress.

[Kalin]

I'm not reading the entire thread

What a fag

 

[Andyman Messiah]

I'm not reading the entire thread

What a fag

In your dreams, bro.

 

[baud]

Kommissar, that umgak, Baud, couldn't make a stump out of a tree. We can't go on like this.

I'd be insulted if it wasn't true. Also if I were insulted, I would have to defend my honor by challenging you to a fight and I'm too lazy for that shit.

 

[Reinhardt]

Kommissar, that umgak, Baud, couldn't make a stump out of a tree. We can't go on like this.

I'd be insulted if it wasn't true. Also if I were insulted, I would have to defend my honor by challenging you to a fight and I'm too lazy for that shit.

Kalin can arrange it.

 

[baud]

Kommissar, that umgak, Baud, couldn't make a stump out of a tree. We can't go on like this.

I'd be insulted if it wasn't true. Also if I were insulted, I would have to defend my honor by challenging you to a fight and I'm too lazy for that shit.

Kalin can arrange it.

Kalin already did a number on me when I arrived. And I would prefer if Merc stayed with the prolebashers, because I guess I would have to go replace him in the militia if Merc goes back to carpentry.

 

[vazha]

Gib us the updatan, allvater Grimwulf

 

[Storyfag]

Gib us the updatan, all-vata Grimwulf

Improved

 

[Andnjord]

Shush! An update is like the Cavalry. It is never late, nor is it early. It is always on time.

Spoiler

Gibs us an updatan plox senpai

 

[Reinhardt]

the Cavalry

Bears or boars?

 

[Helly]

the Cavalry

Bears or boars?

Deers of course.

 

[tindrli]

can i have porcupine helmet

 

[Grimwulf]

Spoiler

ITZ coming tomorrow.

No more half-ass updates. Gonna finish the Spring, no matter how huge this update turns out to be.

 

[Reinhardt]

sorry

 

[hello friend]

I want ya to use dat pussy-tingler ya call FIST to PUNCH the fag, then TURN ARUND and DEFLECT Kalin's WAR HAMMAR!

Got it. PUNCH *hits Storyfag right in the face*

Ow.

Then, uh--

*kicks Merc's butt* I am BEHIND YA, stupid asshole! TURN FASTAR! Again!

*punches Storyfag*

OW!

*kicks Merc again* Y U NO TUUUURN?!

Dammit, Kalin! What do you want from me?!

TURN! TUUUURN! I WANT TUUUUUUUURN!!

Very nice

Naturally the most prestigious fortress must use the most prestigious combat system. TB or bust.

 

[Grimwulf]

4th Felsite, 126, Late Spring
The Outpost, Kommissar Quarters

Spoiler

Kodex Kommunistic Kommission, are you ready?

There is a horde of migrants behind this door. Are you going to interview all of them?

INTERROGATE is the proper word, Azira!

We have other shit to do, boss!

Can we skip the children, at least?

*holding newborn Melbil* One does not simply skip children, my dear.

*LUKs at Kalin*

*LUKs back*

Get farkin' on with it, Azira.

*takes a huge gulp from a barrel* Here goes... ENTRY IS NOT GUARANTEED!

HAVE YOUR DOCUMENTS READY!

Umm... Doctor Azira? Maybe just call "next?"

Right. NEXT!

*enters the room*

Name.

Allow me to introduce myself properly. Vutok "Andnjord" Laboredwatches, son of Dobar Giltcovers, grand-grandson of Queen Bomrek Toolrack, grand-grand-grandson of King Dumat Claspgilt. A dwarf of my statu--

Nubody ffffukin' CARES!

Why, you ignorant b--

Occupation.

The greatest weaponsmith in the realm, at your service.

Spoiler

A dwarven smith here in Redlabored? At last!

Woulnd't be pissing myself merrily just yet. If ya'r the greatest smith out there, how come I've never heard of you?

Alas, my product is both exquisite in quality and extremely expensive, and thus only a handful of dwarves can truly appreciate my craft, not to mention afford it.

Do you realize you'll be working for food here?

Wait, wh--

Purpose of visit.

Long have I traveled these vicious lands, fending off man and mere alik--

Jes ansar da FUCKING question!

Hrm. I came here together with my family, I would even say my Clan, to start a new life and reunite with the others.

Hm. Others, you say?

My Clan is enormous, friends. I know for a fact that one of my cousins lives here, along with his wife and her brothers.

Spoiler

Most of us came here as one family. My Clan is loyal and determined to carve a new home in the Laborious Hills. One that will stand the test of time.

Seems like we have an entire family coalition forming up in Angèrith.

Political views.

I am a firm believer that the world should be engaged in perpetual warfare, for WAR is the truest way to measure one's worth. I am here to craft the best tools of war and ensure that our fortress will emerge victorious, regardless of--

Das it, GIT DA FUCK OUT! I am sick of yer shit!

I humbly request to stay. You see, during our long travel, the others silently approved me as the leader of our group.

How can anything be approved silently?

Well, they didn't really express their decision in words, but I could feel them looking up to me.

Might as well let him stay, Grim. We could use a second opinion from someone who actually knows these dwarves.

*marches towards the others and stands right next to Grimwulf*

*grumbles* Don't like this dwarf.

Spoiler

Alright, NEXT!

*enters the room with 4 children trotting behind*

Allow me to introduce my beautiful wife Rakust Gravedagger, my three sons and the only daughter: Ber Eldersboard, Reg Tongseast--

You're all hired, now get out and call next.

*nods and goes away*

What was that?

Do I have a choice? Redlabored needs a competent blacksmith. Well, this one comes with a bonus.

BONAZ?!

Not your bonus, Kalin.

Tell me, Andnjord, what is the field of your wife's expertise?

If you ever find yourself in need of a fisherdwarf, Rakust is the one to call. She is the Daughter of the Sea, experienced beyond any measure.

Spoiler

*burp*

Even the boy is sceptical.

NEXT!

*enters the room*

Name.

Bobr.

Occupation.

Woodworker and former soldier. Quite rusty at both professions, truth be told.

Spoiler

Ah, no need to worry. A fortress can never have enough woodworkers.

More dwarves to make BINS! Glorious!

My cousin Bobr is too humble. He arrived with his wife As Lancedwhip, a most talented glassmaker.

Spoiler

Gods be my witnesses, they create astounding pieces of art when working together.

We don't, really. But if you let us stay, we'll do our best.

Purpose of visit.

I was looking for a young fortress, bustling with activity and lacking dwarfpower. I am here to help and keep myself busy.

A kind-hearted dwarf, my cousin.

Political views.

Whatever you need me to be.

We only accept Kommunists.

Alright. I am a Kommunist now.

Both you and your wife are accepted in our ranks. But Kalin will keep an eye on you.

Doncha FAGrget - all ye moneh belong ta KALIN! Mulutary taxes we call it. Kommie thing.

Well, I... don't have any money on me.

U WOT?! GIT OUT, ye hairless stumpfucker! OUT!!

Okay... *steps outside*

Nice to see a sane dwarf for a change.

Spoiler

All of us are perfectly sane, I assure you.

We'll see about that. NEXT!

*carefully steps inside, looking around nervously*

Name.

We might have been followed. This place needs more security. More traps.

Name!

You don't UNDERSTAND! Introductions can wait. Talking - irrelevant. Give me a hammer and let me wor--

NAME, DAMN YOU!

Call me... Dayyalu. A humble servant.

Occupation.

Why do you ask?

Oh, for FARK'S SAKE, answer the boss so we can all go back to our miserable lives!

Engineer. Mechanic. Security specialist.

Spoiler

Not sure if we need another mechanic. Sukhavati covers our needs just f--

WHAT? You actually have a mechanic among you? What? Why is this place lacking ANY protection then? Ballistas, catapults, sharp spikes, cage traps, drowning chambers, magma pools - hell, you don't even have WALLS! WALLS, for God's sake!

My cousin Dayyalu is a bit sensitive when it comes to safety measures.

You are talking like Andnjord.

That's because I am Andnjord, cousin.

Or you might be an imposter wearing his helmet.

Purpose of visit.

Nowhere is safe. Nowhere.

Kommissar, you must excuse my cousin - he can be quite eccentric at times. But let me tell you, the dwarven race has never seen such--

WE GOT IT already, great talent and shit, yadda-yadda, fucking show-off.

B-but I'm telling the truth! He created the Unabridged Lenses, complete with a manual!

Spoiler

It was Dayyalu who independently discovered the theory of gears!

Spoiler

He is the apprentice of Urist Walledsenses himself!

Spoiler

Doesn't ring a bell.

*mumbles* We're all doomed.

Political views.

Dictatorship. All dwarves must be ruled by a strong, merciless hand that never hesitates to send the pawns to certain death.

Ye have a dethwish or sumth?

I believe in respawn.

Dictatorship is basically Kommunism. I approve.

Dayyalu came here with his wife Stukos Rockblow who is--

Forget the woman. Women have no meaning, no reason to exist.

... Who is adept in handling animals and has some experience in protecting her homestead.

Spoiler

She makes children. That is all.

Yes, Dayyalu and Stukos have 5 children. However, they came here with only four of them...

Nobody keeps count.

Seriously though, what happened to Ilral?

Who?

Spoiler

technical note

Dayyalu's eldest daughter is only 12 years old, still alive, but was left behind for some reason.

Well, Dayyalu. You'll fit right in! Do you like horse-eye lasagna?

I feed on the tears of those foolish enough to step on my traps. *power-walks outside*

A resourceful dwarf with a passion for his craft. A worthwhile addition to our ranks, I say.

Spoiler

It is also worth noting Dayyalu is Bobr's younger brother.

Spoiler

Fascinating. NEXT!

*enters the room*

OH, GAWD!!

*coughs and retches*

Ugly as fffffuuu

Ugu's ffffaaaa

How... peculiar...

What the hell is WRONG with this dwarf?!

Are you sure it's a dwarf at all?

Some kind of skin disease..?

He looks like a fucking LIZZURD!

Kek.

NAME!

Lizzurd sounds fitting.

This is Kib Glazedchamber, my sister's husband.

*giggles* Glazedchamber.

So yer CHAMBUR is glazed enuff?

Have some manners, you! Glazedchamber is a proud name. I'll have you know that Kib's mother is Tosid Cratergate--

*bursts* GWARHAR har, stop it!

... Ahem. And his father is no other than Nil Womenfloors.

*everyone fucking lose it, not even trying to hold back*

Spoiler

*catches his breath* Awright, awright. Calm down, komrades.

Dese names are gay as all fuck.

Occupation.

I fish. I cook. You like cooked fish, yes? No? Yes?

Spoiler

No?

No.

Purpose of visit.

Escaping, kek.

Escaping from what?

Children.

Yes, about that... Lizzurd is married to my sister, you see. They have 7 children.

Somewhere, kekekeke. They won't find me here.

Wait. Did you abandon your children?

Yes. No?

What kind of mother would abandon her children?

You'll see soon enough, kekekekeke.

Political views.

Common Nest, yes?

No. Cum on East?

No? No. What was that... Custom Vest, yes.

Lizzurd is a Kommunist through and through.

I absolutely detest lizards.

Kek.

Spoiler

Let's look at your wife. Then we decide if you can stay or not.

STINTHAD! Stinthad, sister, come in!

*enters the room*

Arite, DAS IT! U R NOT WAMEN!

I agree with this prick for the first time - you have a FUCKING BEARD, damn you!

hehe

It's fake.

hehehehe

... Yes?

Okay, what is going on?

Fekkin' HOMO in muh KKK - DAS WOT!

She is my SISTER, I tell you!

Even if she was born your sister, dwarven medical art has gone too far. So you never know.

*deep sigh* Name.

Stinthad Southhames.

I call her Moist Cloister.

... Why?

She's moist. And acts like a cloister, kekekekekeke

hehehehehe

kekekekeke

Kill me.

Occupation.

Strip--

STINTHAD! Excuse her, Kommissar. She meant to say she was a, ahhhh, dancer-- no, performer, even.

Spoiler

Hrmpf. Certainly didn't see her "performances" in my bar. Where did you "perform", Cloister?

"The Bearhuggers". "Silky Beard Inn". "Deep Diver".

I'm glad I never heard of those places.

If you don't have any actual skills, what the hell is your purpose of visit?

Same as my husband's.

Ditching the kiddos.

*kisses Lizzurd's gruesome nose*

Kek.

Gonna throw up.

Me too.

Yes. You'd better leave.

Will you let me serve in the military? I want to be a dual-wielding berserker. A fabulous one!

Spoiler

GIT YER GAY ARSES OUTTA HERE NAAAW!!!

*rush outside*

Andnjord?

No comments.

So much for "perfectly sane dwarves", eh?

The rest of us are perfectly sane, I promise!

Sure. NEXT!

*enters the room*

Damn. How old are you, gramps?

Fourteen.

Fourteen centuries?

Komrades, meet Chaosdwarft. Dayyalu's nephew.

Nephew? Wait, YOU ARE fourteen!

Yes. It's a hair dye.

Boss, we need to come up with new questions, testing the sanity of recruits.

*mumbles* Willingly settling here in Redlabored is a failed sanity test by itself.

You name is Chaosdwarft then. Occupation?

I shall inherit the earth but not it's riches.

What's that supposed to mean?

CHANT DE LA VICTOIRE!

CARA AL SOL!

Spoiler

*looks upwards, his eyes tearing a little*

*whispers* Grim, let's just get this over with. Please.

Purpo-- You know what, forget it. You're hired.

Formaré junto a mis compañeros*walks outside mumbling* Que hacen guardia sobre los luceros...

Chaosdwarft is a prominent youngster, you'll see.

Spoiler

What's your take on this dwarf, Melbil?

*burp*

My thoughts exactly.

NEXT!

*enters the room and goes straight towards the Kommission*

Wot do ye tink ye'r doi-- HEY!!

*hugs Kalin* My Kommissar.

GIT OFF ME!! FUCK OFF, I SAID! *violently shakes and kicks*

*kisses Kalin's right cheek, then left cheek, then right cheek*

AAAAAAAARGH, FUCK OFFFF!!!

I am the Kommissar, you halfwit. AND NO HUGGING!! Let him go already, Kalin is unstable as it is!

Pardon me. I came here from a land far away, you see. We Caucasian dwarves always greet each other warmly.

*burning with hatred*

Gai.

DAS RITE!!

Ohhh, look at this adorable creature. Who is the mother?

I am.

Y-you? You are the mother? Oh, my... If only all dwarven women were like you... I dare to say, my life would be very different indeed.

A HAR HAR har har, ahhh. I'll take it as a compliment.

Name.

Is it a question? If so, you have cut me deep, dear Kommissar.

Andnjord?

That's Givi. *looks fairly disgusted* He's not of my family.

Spoiler

Givi? I am THE Givi. One and only, famous throughout the realms!

Never heard of ya.

Disappointing. I would dearly love to have someone of your physique to be among my fans.

Wh-- of my WHAT??

Crazes And the Lucid Fells. *pauses to see the reaction*

I agree, this is one of the less popular pieces. How about The Sun Sets On Dragons?

Do you even read? At all?

*burp*

Well, you must have read my most critically acclaimed work so far. Dourness: Nobody Mourns.

Really?

Spoiler

Occupation.

Journalist. FAMOUS journalist, if I may say so myself. How come you nev--

SKILLS, goddamit - do you have any REAL skills?

Well, writing! Obviously!

Let me help you out, Kommissar. Givi is indeed famous, or rather infamous. A travelling bard--

Journalist!

Fine, journalist, with a nasty habit of...

Well... Sticking his beard... into... places... it doesn't belong.

As in, a curious and inquisitive dwarf?

No, as in... you know.

SPIT IT OUT already!

*sigh* He is a minor offender who's been sentenced to working in the mines more times than anyone else I know.

Spoiler

A MINER! Givi, you are a God-Send!

AHEM. Grimwulf, if I may remind you of the two rules that you imposed on everyone here?

Hmm?

No trouble. And NO HOMO.

What are you talking about? This dwarf is a GODDAMN MINER!

Nobody works the shaft like I do.

See? He is as straight as they come!

I will dig through your holes. I will make you mine.

We DO need a new mine! Farkin' finally, a dwarf capable of holding a pick!

Grim, hold on. Just hold o--

Your beard looks so... stretched. Mmm.

WH--

Seriously, Azira - do some goddamn grooming, for fark's sake. Your beard looks kind of gay indeed. Remember, NO HOMO!

Kommissar, listen to me! Givi was following our group for several days now, refusing to go away, no matter how hard we tried! The only reason he came here is that EVERY. SINGLE. SETTLEMENT. DROVE HIM AWAY!

Spoiler

Cruel times. Cruel hearts.

It's always the same story! He settles in a new place, does his... thing. Gets sentenced to working in the mines. Does his thing again, this time to the miners. And then he gets kicked out! We don't need the likes of him in Redlabored!

I AM YOUR GODDAMN KOMMISSAR! Givi!

Yes, my beloved Kommissar?

I promise you one thing: you will NOT be punished by working in the mines.

Delightful.

Working in the mines will be your full-time job.

... Displeasing, but acceptable.

Remember, this is a job you need, not the job you deserve.

I will BASH yer skull out in yer farkin' sleep!

No need to flex your muscles before me, no matter how impressive they are.

Now, if you excuse me, I must take my leave and introduce myself properly to the rest of the bearded komrades. *winks and goes outside*

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!! HE'S FUCKING GAY, HOW IS IT NOT OBVIUS?!

Spoiler

Gay miner? What next, vegetarian butcher? Blind surgeon? Woman leader? Don't be ridiculous.

WO--

JUST CALL NEXT, Azira!

This place will live and prosper all right. NEXT!

*enters*

Name.

Nut-Kin.

Hrm. *mumbles* I don't remember you.

Occupation.

The sheer number of my talents would baffle you, Kommissar. So here is the deal: you put me in charge, and I'll turn this fortress into an economic juggernaut.

Spoiler

Needless to say, time is working against us. And we all realize that sacrifices must be made. Only the best of us, most deserving, will make it to the top unscathed. Are you with me?

Who in Stanceright's name are you? Where did you come from?

I AM ASKIN THE FARKIN' QUESTIONS HERE, Adolf-Bjorn!

Andnjord.

Back to you. Purpose of visit.

You are lacking competent administrators. *looks at the Kommunistic Kommisson* I would even say you have none. Fortunately for you, I came to rectify this issue.

Political views.

Bootlicker.

Wow, that was honest.

I am incapable of lying.

Spoiler

I admit we do have issues with capable managers but are we ready to replace stupid with corrupt?

Excuse me? Corrupt?

Napkin, consider yourself hired.

As I expected. Where is my office? Oh, and I cannot stress it enough, but my office needs to be extremely spacious and artfully decored. It's crucial.

You will haul boulders. Unless Kalin drags your ass into the military.

Look, Kommissar--

THROW YERSELF OUT BEFORE I DO IT MYSELF!

Hmpf. Unbelievable. *walks outside*

Will this torture ever end? NEXT!

*enters the room*

Nobody's gonna call me old ever again.

Name.

*coughs*

Occupation.

*falls on his knees coughing*

He is an engraver, or so I heard.

Spoiler

He'd better start engraving his own tomb because it looks like the time is running out.

Purpose of visit.

*falls prone, trying to catch breath, still coughing*

Political views.

HHhhhhhhhh

You're hired.

Really?

He'll fit right in with the Prolebashers.

Fuk you too.

If you intend to keep this dwarf, I demand at least three more assistants.

Spoiler

*crawls his way outside*

Tell me, Grim. What does it take to fail the audition in Redlabored?

What are you talking about? My standards are high. If you are a deer - you're out. Deerman? Out. Weredeer? Forget it. Impregnated by deer? My doors are closed. Writing love letters to--

Forget I asked. NEXT!

*enters the room*

Name.

I am Citizen!

Aren't we all?

Excuse me, I don't talk to those lacking at least basic education.

Yet another perfectly sane dwarf.

Occupation.

Scholar.

Spoiler

We don't need scholars here, my dear.

I'm not talking to living wardrobes either.

Funny. I like them funny. *eyes sparkle with malice*

Let me clear this out: Citizen is the wife of Catacombs. Even if Redlabored doesn't need mathematicians, we could use her experience as a mason.

Spoiler

I would much prefer working in a library, thank you.

Nobodeh carus, old slut. GIT OUT!

I have more questions for her.

Yes, but Kalin's right, for once. Who cares?

Not even me.

We're done then. Welcome to Angèrith, enjoy your stay, go cut me 200 basalt blocks. Glory be!

I'm sor--

I GIVE YOU TWO DAYS! Now make yourself useful before I make my surgeon go FULL CANDLE on that failing body of yours! SCRAM!

What. Tha. F-- *goes out*

Kommissar, if I may?

Spit it, Angerjob.

Citizen might be beyond annoying to talk to, but she may yet prove resourceful. If only you give her a--

Surgery!

... chance.

Spoiler

Azira?

We are not savages, Kommissar. Surgery? To make her shut up? A simple mouth plug will do.

Spoiler

Brilliant.

Ha ha, y-yeaah... *takes a few steps back from Azira, just in case*

NEXT!

*comes in*

Feeling youngar each time someone enters the room.

Name.

ERYFKRAD.

No need to shout, Eryfkrad.

No, that's how you--

Occupation.

I mostly drink. Can brew my own booze if needed. *grumbles* But if you want me to sing, I'll sing.

Spoiler

Purpose of visit.

*shrugs* This looks like a promising fortress.

DIS looks liek a prumsing fortrass? *spits* Anutha brainded eyefucker.

Political views.

Booze.

I'm asking about politics, not religion.

Kommissar! I want it to be known that Eryfkrad is not right in the head! He is the worshipper of Shoduk.

*mumbles* As if it was a bad thing...

He came here with his wife, youngest daughter, and a bizarre monster.

Say what you will about me, but don't you dare trash-talk my pet!

Spoiler

Wait, aren't you Eryfkrad the composer?

I wrote a few pieces, yes.

Was it you who wrote "The Birth of Limbs?"

A fan of my musical compositions, I see.

Spoiler

Umm, I wouldn't call myself a fan, not necessarily. And I wouldn't call your compositions particularly musical either. More like... well... Brother, you have major problems with good taste. No offense.

Spoiler

I fail to see your point. May I go now?

I guess?

*shuffles his way outside*

No such thing as "too many old bums" in a proper Kommunistic Paradise, eh? *sigh* NEXT!

*walks inside*

Why the fark are you wearing a stone slab on yar head?

It's a fedora, you dummy. *looks at Sqeecoo and tips fedora* M'lady.

NOPE. Nope, nope, nope.

I'll have you know that my beard is unlike any other. It grows straight from my neck. If you know what I mean. *licks his mustache*

I'm done, Grim. This is too much.

I usually hear that from my women. *staring at Sqeecoo voraciously*

Name.

Fedora Master. Wearing fedoras, master in bed.

Occupation.

Lover extraordinaire.

That's one way to put it. People say he, well... does highly disturbing and most inappropriate things to the mules and sheep.

An animal trainer then.

Spoiler

No, I mean--

Purpose of visit.

To find a dwarf that meet my high requirements. The one that truly deserves me. *Stares at Sqeecoo's non-existent breasts*

Political views.

I don't normally leave my basement for such trivial things as voting. But I'm sympathizing with issues that m'ladies care about, like reproductive rights, LGBT advancement, and pay equality.

... What?

You won't understand.

Can you just GO? Please?

I can go from you. But you will never get away from me, m'lady. *tips fedora and removes himself awkwardly*

Umm, doctor Azira? Can you do some sort of... surgery on this one?

Spoiler

I'm not a gelder, I'm afraid.

Surprisingly enough, his father Kalarion is a decent dwarf and well-respected monster slayer.

That so? NEXT!

*enters the room*

Are you Kalarion the monster slayer?

That I am, Kommissar!

Spoiler

Your son is, hmmm, how do I put it?

kuk

DAS RITE!

Alas, fatherhood is not one of my strongest talents.

Purpose of visit.

Fame and glory, my Kommissar. The only things worth living for.

I've heard enough. You will build my famously glorious private quarters until further notice.

That's... not... what I expe--

MOVE IT!

'kay... *walks outside*

He looks like a decent fighter. Don't you think, Kalin?

Spoiler

Imma not gonna gib yer preshus Marko back.

Speaking of which. I had a chat with Murk recently, and he raised a good point. I need him to craft high-quality furniture for my quarters.

No need to worry, my dear, dear Kommissar. Baud and Friend already prepared all the furniture you ordered.

They did? Well, that was fast. Suspiciously fast, even.

Marko stayz as muh persunal errund boy. DUBUL DETH DRILLZ for him! Dat's gonna teach him huw to complan!

No homo, though?

NO HOMO!

What a relief. NEXT!

*walks inside*

Name.

Aban Windended. Better known as The Mediant.

Occupation.

I used to take any odd-jobs available, so I have experience in different fields. But for the most part, I am a dwarf therapist.

Spoiler

Thank Gods!

We don't need a therapist in Redlabored.

The ONLY thing we DESPERATELY need in Redlabored is A THERAPIST!

Stop raising and lowering your voice without rhyme or reason! Ony YOUR GODDAMN KOMMISSAR is allowed to do this thing!

Why don't we calm down and talk it over? What is it that bothers you?

Lack of appreciation for my talents.

NO BONAZ!

Not nearly enough SPACE!

Trees. Too many trees.

Fedora Master.

The prospect of working for free.

Gais

I see. I see. Kommissar?

Are you a deer spy by any chance?

Wh-- A deer... spy?

Purpose of visit.

My wife. For all my therapist experience, I cannot for life of me understand what is wrong with her.

What do you mean?

She demanded, violently, to take her to Redlabored. Hard to explain. You should see for yourself. *opens the door* Come in, my love.

*walks inside looking nervous*

Hrmpf. Name.

...

It's all right. You can tell them.

...

See, sometimes she is silent. Sometimes she behaves like her former self. But--

*retches*

What was that?

B-B-BL

"Bli"?

BLAGH!!

"Bla"?

*vomits*

Bliblablubb! Her name is Bliblablubb!

*holds her hair* No, she is Rith Fameworked.

Everyone has a catchy nickname here, so that the Kommissar doesn't struggle to remember our names.

How is Bliblablubb a catchy name?

Still bettah dan RITH! Ugh

Where am I?

This is Angèrith. We are here at last, just as I promised.

Angèrith? Oh, God, no, no... It will re-- *barfs*

Rith?

*voice became higher all of a sudden* Azira.

How do you know my name?

Do you have a sarcophagus yet?

What..? No. Why?

Sad.

I don't have the slightest idea of what is happening to her at moments like these. Almost as if she was possessed. Rith, my love, you wanted to come here. Why?

*looks at Kalin, then slowly turns her gaze to Grimwulf*

Rith?

Multiverse is so fun. Happy.

A whole farkin' wave of crazy migrants. Even the therapist's wife has gone batshit. That's Redlabored for you.

Occupation.

My wife didn't have a lot of working experience. I provided for the family. And then she became like... this. And... I don't know who she is anymore.

I protect. I restore. Resolute.

Spoiler

Purpose of visit.

Ice cream.

What is "ice cream"?

*looks at Sqeecoo in terror*

No, seriously. What is it?

*lets out a deafening otherworldly SHRIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK*

*hurries to carry Bliblablubb outside*

Good Gods! My ears are ringing. What was that??

Doctor Azira? Are you alright?

... No. And I don't know why.

Strange ones, eh? At least their children seem to be normal.

They have children? Poor things.

Spoiler

I accept this ordinary dwarven family in our ranks.

Spoiler

Spoiler

Shall we continue? A lot of dwarves are waiting outside?

Maybe next time. I've had enough. And I need a drink, more so than usual.

Aye, me too.

Ye pussis. *spits*

*tries to spit, but only wets his beard*

AWRIGHT, Kommunistic Kommission DISMISSED! Now git drunk and START WORKING!


4th Felsite, 126, Late Spring
The Outpost, Carpenter's Workshop

Kudah

Spoiler

There is a hen inside the workshop.

Chillax, Bob! It's Libash, my bro Storyfag's pet.

Takh Takh

Libash is his "spirit animal," he says. Good ol' Storyfag.

How did you get used to so many pets running amok?

Spoiler

*shrugs* They don't bother me. Bro, how do you make wood cups?

... Carving them from wood?

Duuuuude! You are a bro. Let's go grab a drink!

Sqeecoo's Diary

18th Felsite, 126, Late Spring

With so many new migrants, Redlabored is bustling with activity. Which would be a good thing, except nobody has a clue of what should they do. Helly doesn't seem to handle such dwarfpower well.

Can't blame her, though. Little Melbil consumes pretty much all the time. At least we keep making BINS!

Spoiler

As for me, I keep cooking. And getting much better at this, if I dare to say so myself.

Spoiler

Baud keeps complaining he doesn't have oak logs to do his job. Strange. There are plenty, according to my records.

Spoiler

39 logs, all stored right there in wood stockpile. Baud and his excuses. But Helly takes it easy on Baud. She even called one of his newly-crafted beds "a masterwork". Yeah, no.

Okay, gotta go. I can feel Fedora Master sneaking behind me. Again.

22th Felsite, 126, Late Spring
The Outpost, Kommissar's Quarters
Late Night

Spoiler

Why are we here again?

I want to hear your reports.

My dear Kommissar, the Spring is not over yet.

Six days won't change anything, Eddy. Also, who called Sunny Vatnik to attend the meeting?

Nice to see you too, Grimwulf.

I did.

Why?

Trust me, you'll see.

Hrmpf. Kalin, let's start with you.

Wot? Da PROLEBASHAS are gittin' gud.

Spoiler

Are we ready to fend off the deers?

Wid wot, wooden stiks and farkin' insults? You wish.

Why is my military armed with wooden sticks, Belly?

Because you ordered to prioritize wooden bins, Kommissar.

Why are we making bins instead of weapons, Coo-coo?

I dunno. Spigot was supposed to buy weapons.

Why did you not buy us new weapons, Spigot?

Coz we only had the elves stopping by. Elves don't sell weapons. Other traders don't come here anymore, because Azira was a shitty broker.

What say you in your defence, Azira?

I have my hands full as the Kommanding Physician, Grim. And let me say, I'm doing a damn fine job. Helly can confirm.

Can you confirm, Helly?

Of course. Except I had no idea I was pregnant until the day I gave birth. I wonder how many pregnant dwarves do we have in Redlabored right now?

How many, Azira?

How should I know? You don't expect me to make pregnancy tests without splints and crutches, do you?

Why don't we have splints and crutches, Sqeecoo?

Not enough carpenters for making both splints and BINS!

Why don't we assign more car--

GOD DAMN IT! What are you doing??

That's how Kommunism works.

It doesn't work!

Nonsense.

Ahem. My dear Kommissar, you will be thrilled to hear your Quarters are almost ready.

Spoiler

Why are they NOT ready RIGHT NOW? Am I asking too much? Four rooms, a dozen tables, some chairs and thrones, a couple cabinets, some coffers, armor stands, weapons racks, doors, walls, floors, and of course my goddamn statue. WHAT IS TAKING YOU SO LONG?!

Well. The statue is ready. It's glorious. Everything was done according to your design.

Spoiler

The mining is going according to schedule.

Spoiler

Not even half of the Food District is dug out! And you haven't even STARTED on Kommunalka! You call that "according to schedule"?

No need to worry. When you remember how many new migrants did we--

Don't fool yourself, Helly. Most of them are children incapable of working. Some of them will be conscripted into the military. You will barely feel the increase in dwarfpower.

You are a farkin' disgarce. ALL OF YOU!

Ahem.

YOU TOO! Also, why are you here?

She is waiting for Spigot's report.

Spigot has something to report?

*scratches beard* Nope.

Hello? The elves?

What about them?

Care to tell the Kommissar about your recent "trading"?

What's there to tell? Elves came here some time ago. Got some good shit from them. End of story.

What did we sell?

Nothin'.

DAT's mah dwarf! Good job, Sp-- Wait. Hold on.

*starts sweating*

Spigot. Look me in the eye.

In my FUCKING eye, Spigot!

I'm lookin'.

Did you rob the elves?

That's an unfortunate choice of wor--

SPIGOOOOOOOOOOOT!!

CALL ME KALIN THEN! FUCK'S SAKE, BOSS - what did you expect me to do? Redlabored NEEDS shit, and we don't HAVE shit to trade!

Oh. So you know what we need. Well, enlighten me then. What was that we NEEDED SO MUCH you decided to START A MOTHERFUCKING WAR WITH GODDAMN ELVES over it?

Well, cherries. Walnuts.

Clean socks.

A puzzlebox! Aye, very neat one.

And a lion tamarin.

A... lion..?

Tamarin.

Something about his mane. You should check it out, boss.

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, SPIGOT - WHAT AILS YOU?! What kind of MINDRAPING DEMON could possibly POSSES YOUR DRUNKEN MIND when you thought that--

Hours later

*catches breath*

*looks down*

In conclusion, we might be attacked any day now. And not in an honorable "I DECLARE WAR UPON THEE" way. More like we go to sleep to never wake up again.

I have to agree. Elves are far from honorable.

Good thing we have the Prolebashers on our side.

VERY FUNNEH, asshole.

I TOLD YOU TO GO HARDER ON YOUR RECRUITS!

WOT'S DA FAKIN' POINT IF WE GIT NO WEPUNS?!

Enough! What's done is done. Grimwulf, we only have one option at this point.

Which is?

Pull the lever.

What lever?

THE lever.

Spoiler

Are YOU telling ME to SEAL OURSELVES underground?!

Yes. Again, this is our only option.

And how about NOT sealing ourselves?? EVER THOUGHT OF THAT?!

Grim, the elves will rape us senseless. Then kill us. Then rape our corpses.

They might not even be mad--

SHUT UP!

If we pull the lever, there will be no more woodcutting. No more carpentry and woodcrafts.

No more trade caravans.

We will also starve.

WHAT? STARVE?!

Kommissar, our food stocks are fine for now.

Spoiler

I keep cooking. Spigot keeps brewing. But both of us rely heavily on foraging. You see, we can no longer grow plants. Redlabored ran out of underground seeds. All we have left is a handful of cave wheat and sweet pods.

Spoiler

Which is not nearly enough to feed 57 dwarves.

There is no rush, though. We can take it slowly, haul some wood inside, stock on foraged plants and berries, and only then pull the lever.

What if it is already too late? What if there is no dwarf still living behind this door?

*stare at the door*

Can you hear?

Hear wot?

Exactly. Complete and utter silence.

*suddenly the door is opened from the other side*

*grabs the war hammer*

*enters the room, his body shaking*

For fark's sake, fake-beard boy! Almost SMASHED YE!

S-s-s-s-SOMETHING is outside!!

Wut?

*a loud SCREAM can be heard from the surface*

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!

B-Baud is up there. I escaped. This... thing... Oh, Gods... It came for us.

Spoiler

Now I know why I fear the night.

MAKE YOUR KEY CHOICE​

Current agenda: Paranoia + Ongoing Rampage

Mistakes were made. The elves might come for our lives. Provided we can survive this night.

Spoiler

It's bad. The beast managed to sneak upon us. It is currently right near the entrance.

Spoiler

If we want to pull the lever, it's now or never.

Option 1: PULL THE DAMN LEVER!

Baud and Unib will probably die anyway. Unib is one of the unassigned dwarves who has a wife and family.

Spoiler

But there is no time to think about it right now. We'll have to abandon all our wood stocks, most of the charcoal (which is still outside). We won't be able to hunt or forage. We won't receive any trade caravans. But this will protect us from the beast and elves alike.

One day we will dig deep, all the way down to the caverns layer. There we will find underground wildlife, fungal trees and underground plants. If we don't starve until then.

Or maybe we will manage to train our military and open the gates at some point in the future.

Option 2: FIGHT THE DAMN BEAST! FACE THE ELVEN THREAT!

The Prolebashers will take care of it. Their wooden axes are mighty. Their bites and kicks - deadly. We can do this.

However, the werebeast's bite is contagious. Once you get the curse, there is no reversing to your dwarven self.

EVERY MEMBER OF REDLABORED HAS A VOTE.

MAKE YOUR PERSONAL CHOICE, baud


​

There is a moment in every dwarven life when your choice determines the fate of the world. Now is your moment, baud.

The beast is too close. You don't know how long it will take for the komrades to pull the lever. If the creature makes it inside the Outpost, it's all over. Other dwarves will have nowhere to run or hide.

Are you willing to sacrifice your life engaging the beast and thus winning us some precious time?

Option 1: HELL NAH!

Who will make masterwork beds if I die?

Option 2: It was a fun ride.

Please give me a proper burial.

P.S.

Political choices are coming up later, depending on the outcome of the night.

 

[Lizzurd]

Spoiler

I hope this gecko isn't my relative

Isn't were-gecko supposed to be very small? You know, like a gecko. So you can just tread on it.

 

[MediantSamuel]

Holy shit, we're all gonna die. (Amazing update, Grim. Dwarf therapist seems perfect!)

I vote lock the doors and hope the elves show up so they and the weregecko kill each other.

 

[ERYFKRAD]

Spoiler

I hope this gecko isn't my relative

Isn't were-gecko supposed to be very small? You know, like a gecko. So you can just tread on it.

Dwarves are small too.

 

[Grimwulf]

Spoiler

I hope this gecko isn't my relative

Isn't were-gecko supposed to be very small? You know, like a gecko. So you can just tread on it.

It's humanoid-sized.

Spoiler

I'm pretty sure all werebeasts are humanoid-sized

Do you think a gecko-sized critter would be capable of this?

Spoiler

Redlabored is not the first victim of Kib's bloodlust. And not the second even. Somehow I'm sure it won't be the last.

 

[Grimwulf]

Isn't it also possible to dig back to the surface if we're in danger of starving?

We can use the same lever to open the gates any time we want. Our current agenda is not simply protecting ourselves from the weregecko's rampage, it is also about ongoing paranoia.

Consider this. We noticed the weregecko only when he approached the entrance. It might be too late to pull the lever at this point (the werebeasts are fast). But let's say we do. Let's say the werebeast goes away in a day or two.

Are you sure you want to open the gates?

Elves are notorious for their sneaking skills - werebeasts are nothing in comparison. If we open the gates, they might swarm the fortress, and we might not even know. If we believe the Prolebashers can handle the threat, there is no reason to seal ourselves underground. If we don't - the gates must remain closed.

Do you believe in the Prolebashers, Mark?

 

[Reinhardt]

Holy shit, we're all gonna die.

Nah, i'll survive. I always survive. Not the first werebeast in my life, not the last.

Pull the lever, btw. Imagine elves trying to rape us all, walking all the way to Redlabored and only finding closed door.

 

[Kalin]

Ima in charge of sekurituh ok ain't nowai ima get pozzed by da stinking rat-monkey! Dat said ah have a cunning plan... Fedoruh is an animul taymer rite, well send him out to tame da werethingy den it can reck dem elven cunts for us! Win win!

 

[Helly]

Option 1 & 2.
We send waves of unarmed, nameless peasants against it, Kommunism-style.
Once they're out, we seal ourselves in, and then we check whether they survived or not. Even if they failed, then the new werebeasts will kill elves for us, making it somehow a win.

 

[a bear named spigot]

this is good for us. living in such luxury has made us soft, turned our wooden axes to rust. let's flip that switch, knowing that a monster has raped baud to death will inspire us, and when the time comes to let ourselves out we will be fearsome indeed.

(also I really don't think the elfs were that upset, I'm sure reprisals are incredibly unlikely)

 

[sqeecoo]

My god that's a huge update. All craftdwarfship is of the highest quality.

Pull the lever. We can always reopen when a caravan comes, if they survive, right? We can also quickly open the doors periodically to store the wood inside, maybe even make a 2-door airlock so we are safe if the elves are indeed lurking.
In general I feel that Redlabored should isolate itself from the capitalist world and show everyone what Kommunism can do! Another advantage is that news on the state of the aboveground world will now be totally reliant on official propaganda. Why not convince our workers of a werepocalypse destroying the world, with the only hope being digging deep enough to be self-sufficient?

Regardless, what need we more than the fruits of our own labor? I say close the door and DIG, DIG FOR BINS! We must need find that underground forest.

However, there is a crisis that's almost as terrible as the BIN issue was before I started handling it. Namely, where are all the plump helmet seeds? I knew I should have asked more polite questions about that! Basically plump helmets should always be used for brewing, because that leaves a seed, so you never run out. You can also eat them raw as that leaves a seed too, but they should never ever be cooked. Either we started with no plump helmets or we cooked them, both horrible mistakes. The only explanation is anti-revolutionary sabotage. Someone must pay for this affront to the worker's paradise!

There, I've marked my bold suggestions in bold.