An ill wind creeps across the fields. This pitch smells of death.
Slowly, the teams file on. Fearsome eyes glare at fearsome eye sockets. Here, on this dry, decaying earth, the future of the play-offs will be decided. On one side stand the aristocratic Reptilian New World Order, taking a break from their persistent failures to assassinate David Icke in his impregnable fortress-cottage in the Isle Of Wight. On the other, the rotting Khemri known as the Legends Outworn wait. The real Clint Eastwood, it should be noted, actually looks quite a lot like his mummy counterpart. They have invested in some Bloodweiser Babes and that legendary mummy hero whose name is almost certainly spelt Nekehekerekekrekreadabra.
The lizards win the toss (Tails. Always Tails.) and choose to receive; the ball tumbling down near the back end of their half, next to a skink. He takes the ball, and dashes forward, the Sauruses forming a loose formation around him. Meanwhile, a Saurus runs through the assembled mummies and downs a Thro-Ra. The skink with Dirty Player joins him, dumping on the fallen skeleton. In what will turn out to be the wrong move in fooling around in front of an extremely strict referee, he is immediately sent off.
The mummies surge forward, K.O.ing a Saurus; in return, the lizzies squeeze into a far tighter cage down the middle of the space, pushing their way through. The Khemri manage to get back into touch with the ball-carrier through the time-honoured method of knocking down everything in their way, but a few taps on the head knock the elderly actors back – and the skink, perhaps sensing that he’s about to get absolutely mullered if he hangs around for much longer, hops nimbly through two tackle zones to score on the fourth turn.
TOUCHDOWN! 1-0 to the RNWO.
Four turns to score – and Mico prepares for a swift advance, as the ball drops down just inside his half. His counter-attack begins well, as he knocks down a Saurus, killing the shit out of him. The apothecary races on, and with much slimy mouth-to-mouth, is able to commute the lizard’s sentence to ‘Badly Hurt’.
Meanwhile, Mico’s plans for a swift touchdown are hindered as his Thro-Ra fails to pick up the ball twice in a row. In the meantime, the lizards K.O. a tomb guardian (Yes!) and a skeleton. On the final two turns, having finally got the ball, the Thro-Ra has to pass an impenetrable knee-high wall of tiny skinks – he trips and falls, leaving the little reptiles to pick up the ball in turn, get tripped up, and finally infuriate a tomb guardian by refusing to fall down.
Half-time comes, the K.O.ed tomb guardian doesn’t get back up despite the presence of the Babes, and the second half begins with nothing more exciting than a -1 to all passing rolls, which, as you can imagine, seriously affects the gameplay style of these two teams. The Khemri line up – and shift to the right, slowly but surely, keeping the ball carrier well protected.
The lizards fight back and fall back, lacking the help of their Kroxigor – who is left further up the pitch, sullenly pushing around a skeleton who refuses to fall over.
Disaster strikes; a Saurus tumbles down with a broken hip. Shortly afterwards, another Saurus dies. For real this time.
At this point, grotsnik’s train of thought is much like the title of this very atypical Tom Waits song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xR8CyK1mZOg
He keeps struggling, relying on his Skinks now as a line of defence, and a stalemate develops. Mico, concerned about the fallen Saurus right next to his ball-carrier, tries to gang-foul him. A mistake; the ref sends off a skeleton. Next turn he tries it again. No effect – and another skeleton is sent off. The referee is presumably limping from having such a very large stick up his arse.
Which makes this the perfect opportunity for the fallen Saurus to get up and, covered by his mates, knock down the Blodging Thro-Ra with a re-roll. The ball flies back into the hands of the great reptile; at once the Khemri knock him down, but with comic inevitability, the ball is caught by a nearby Skink.
The mummies spend quite a few goes trying to knock down the ball-carrying Skink, but are unsuccessful. The little guy dodges up, onto the right wing – but he’s pursued by a Blitz-Ra with Strip Ball, followed quickly by the Blodging Thro-Ra, who picks up the ball. Suddenly it’s looking like the Legends are all clear to make this a draw.
And then the Kroxigor, having finally downed his skeleton nemesis, turns his head. With a guttural roar that might have been meant as something like, ‘It looks like it’s up to me to restore the honour of my team! Though we may have secured our place in the play-offs, we owe it to everyone in the league to play as well as possible!’, he charges across the pitch, successfully makes a re-roll, and gets a 6, smacking the Thro-Ra to the floor.
A bit of fumbling and uneventful bashing later, as a Skink takes the ball and scurries across the pitch, tumbling over on an unwise GFI, the match comes suddenly and ignominiously to an end.
FINAL SCORE: 1-0 TO THE REPTILIAN NEW WORLD ORDER
An exciting match, if not a real thriller or a particularly high-scoring game. Many thanks to Mico for playing so well!
