Here's something you might not know: it's a nice sunny day and there is a swimming pool not more than a dozen steps from my door. And yet, here I am. I hope you guys appreciate me.
UPDATE: 13 steps, nvm
Anyway I'm back with PART 2 of this delightful LP. Get your cocks out boys.
There is one thing I forgot to mention the last time: this game has no sound. At all*. So, we need to supply our own soundtrack; the official soundtrack of this LP is therefore
Rutabaga Salad (the music should start, and loop, automatically when you follow the link.
Official video is here). Of course, you can listen to whatever you want while reading this, but modifying this LP in such a way may constitute a violation of my IP. Consider yourselves warned.
* As far as terrible design decisions go, this is probably the worst. In all seriousness, this game could have been pretty creepy with some good ambient noise, not to mention the fact shit would have been much more gruesome. The game's still good for what it is** though.
** no
That aside, the topic at hand is Area 2, which is where we're up to. Do you remember what it looks like?
Removing the window borders was a serious technical achievement on my part, by the way.
Before we go any further, I want to say that level 2 is pretty tame compared to level 1, both in terms of instadeath and the 'quality' (relative term) of the killing. Let's get the first instadeath trap out of the way.
How is anyone supposed to beat it to this phoned in bullshit?
(Also: dat foot)
Whatever. Let's look through the non-instadeath door.
Nothing much of interest in here. We'll go left first.
In this room we're intro'd to our first enemy combo; a bird and a blob. OK, look, I have no idea how to segue into this shit gracefully, but I have a theory on the origins of those blob things, and I spent like an hour making a shitty 'photoshop' (actually I used Paint.net) and I'm gonna use it:
Why is it so hard to find good romantic fireside pics anyway? Surely jpgs of roaring fireplaces/champaggers is the chick equivalent of double anal deepthroat photos?
Actually maybe that's the issue, like, no-one looks at still shots any more because increasing download speeds and generous bandwidth limits have made it easier and easier to watch roaring fires in 1080p instead on streaming sites like XNFireplace or YouHearth.com.
That was a dumb joke
and poorly delivered. I'm not sorry.
The key to getting past these guys is to coax the bird as close to the edge of the screen as you can and then, when it flies away from you, bolt it past the moleblob. Simple stuff.
The green door has a room with two things in it:
The first is a secret passage; crouch and press Z to remove the loose stones (we'll look at that in a sec).
The second is that rather obvious trap. Now, judging by the shape and size of the hole, you might assume it's a Pince of Persia-style slicer, but it's actually:
A big, thick, wooden horse type thing (see also: TheEntitledOne's sexcellent Words Worth LP). Dunno how that fits in there, but this is Hell, I guess. This trap doesn't kill you but it does reduce your health. Take note of that last frame, too, we'll be seeing it again shortly.
Let's go through the hole.
Not much of interest really. We can't intereact with the pedestal yet, but at least we know it's there now.
You can also exit via the left side of the bird/moleblob room:
That's the exit door, which we can't open yet. The shiny thing is Red Medicine. Chugging this down restores a little health, as you might expect (nice of the demons to leave these lying around).
We haven't had an instadeath trap for a while, so let's take a short break and check out what's behind the bloodstained door in the second room (different save, hence why there's nothing in the inventory):
BETTER GO PRESS Z BY THAT PEDESTAL
I really can't emphasise enough how interminable this sequence is. Fucking billions of cycles of that shitty two-frame punching animation. Her arms seem to have been replaced with sand-filled socks as well (not that they were ever particularly well rendered, but jeez).
We'll bypass that shit and wander eastwards.
Bypassing this room is basically the same as the moleblob/bird room we covered before; coax bird, run over trap.
Astute viewers will recognise the secret door. I know I didn't (seriously, I had to consult a walkthrough to know it was there. To be fair, I didn't go into this room after the first time, since I figured it just led to the trap we're gonna see now, so
technically I was only retarded once. In any case, one of the few good things about this game is that every location has some sort of point. Wait - am I just saying that because I have, like, Stockholm Syndrome or something now?).
Let's get instadeathed before we progress:
This is, if anything, even more boring than the beating we received earlier, which at least had animation. This shit, by contrast, is some dialogue, a yellow overlay, and then a sprite replacement. At least it's a lot shorter.
Sekrit door:
I literally have no idea what the fuck that pink thing on the wall is supposed to be. Intestines maybe? Anyway that guy just now shows up and he's too scary, I guess. Especially if you're a table, which is something he doesn't seem to like very much.
I'm pretty sure he's also the end-of-game boss, since we'll be seeing him again. SOON
When he's gone, we'll go through the hole.
You can probably imagine what happens if we walk across those, but don't bother because I'll show you in a sec. Anyway the low down ones flicker in and out of existence so you can bypass them:
Fuck up and you get this:
There's a different sprite if you get it when you're crawling, but in-game shots aren't worth the hassle really, so here's a rip from the sprite sheets instead:
I'm seriously shrugging so hard right now.
Onwards...
And all the way back to that empty pedestal to put the stone in place. What's the worst that could happen***?
*** WELL ACTUALLY, we could get instadeathed and have to start the whole fucking level over again, which is pretty bad. But we don't so it's OK.
Now we get to go grab the Unlocked Hexagram (unless you want to go try use the Sealed Hexagram on the exit door first, but nothing happens so we won't). Back through the bloodstained door...
Which will hopefully stop fucko from spawning.
But of course, it doesn't.
Ugh boss fight. Fucko has four attacks:
These are the first three he uses. Basic tactics for this fight is to stay in the middle of the room and to walk/run back and forth while fucko teleports around and tries to hit you, which won't work unless he catches you while you're changing direction or if you're crawling. Every so often, though, he'll use his hug attack, the last one there, which requires you to duck to dodge it (the extra dumb thing is that the choke attack - in the middle - can be avoided by running away OR ducking).
You should have inferred from that sentence that there is no consistent collision detection in this game - you're either ducking or you're not, and it doesn't matter which side of the screen your respective sprites are on. I said I was going to talk a little about the arbitrariness of the game this update, and this shit is a pretty big offender. It doesn't help much that ducking
isn't instantaneous; that is, the game plays an intermediate frame, during which you are halfway down to your knees but are still considered standing. So, you get situations where you're pressing the duck button but you still get hurt by attacks you should have dodged (especially annoying when the sprites are obviously not touching; and super duper extra 'specially annoying when the attack you should have dodged is fucking instadeath).
Like, honestly, if the designer had done the sensible thing and just incremented the 'is_ducking' var when the button is pressed/released, not only would this shit be infinitely more pleasureable to play, but the attack 'wind-up' cycles could have been made shorter, entailing no loss of difficulty. I guess what I'm saying here is fuck this cunt game.
(Sorry, I had to reconstruct that sequence from what was available to me. I mean, sure, I could change the timer to be properly sequential but I blew my img-editing wad on the mole-fiend love scene)
This is fucko's fourth attack, which he'll start using after twenty-five seconds. Yeah you have to put up with this shit for forty seconds, it's p. awful.
Anyway the laserblast is instadeath, which is bad, but easy to dodge, which is good, since it's easy to tell when he's going to use it. That is, he teleports into a corner instead of right next to you like he usually does.
If you survive for 40 seconds the door unseals and you're free to do a runner. At this point fucko charges up another energy blast that I gather (from lesser LPs etc.) is unavoidable instadeath, but there's no way in hell I'm going to do the whole fight over for the dubious pleasure of showing you lot whatever happens (hey you didn't even answer my question about ceiling crushers; fuck you guys).
Anyway five goes (well, three really, I got killed deliberately twice) later, we're out of there. Let's look at some deaths first though.
Both boring. They would have been greatly improved with a nice wet snap sort of sound effect, but at least she wets herself in the first one. I
suppose.
I'd animate that for you but Paint.net doesn't play so well with .gifs.
This is, of course, the energy blast death. The first time I noticed her skirt fall down (it actually took a couple of laser deaths for me to realise this; I was kinda busy screaming and flailing at the keyboard the first time) I laughed for like five minutes straight.
You can imagine the depths of my nerdrage at this specific sequence (protip: check the timer). Anyway, you should recognise that last frame**** - this is actually the generic death, more typically seen when you get killed by the basic monsters. I actually like that frame a lot since schoolgirl looks more like she's enduring a geography lesson, instead of, y'know, dying. But then dying of boredom is a distinct possibility while playing this tripe.
**** because I told you to keep an eye out for it. No-one ever listens.
I did throw one last tantrum before finishing the level, though:
Yep, killed by a bird on the second to last screen. Schoolgirl ran out of stamina while trying to get away from it, and it got its claws in me before I could duck. Fortunately I respawned in the start room with the Unlocked Hexagram so I wasn't compelled to smash my PC or anything (small favours etc.).
SNEAK PREVIEW OF LEVEL THREE
Next update: Unfortunately, yes