Crispy™ Let's eat bugs and die horribly in Conan Exiles (Naked Pict Woman Alert)

[lightbane]

ut I can't open it- BECAUSE I'M NOT A HIGH ENOUGH LEVEL. I'm not even sure what to say about this. Absolutely terrible.

Unless you pay a little with real money, right? It doesn't sound like good design.

On the way back home, a massive lighting storm arrives. This is a sign from Yog, telling us to check out a wiki to discover the secrets of bark acquirement.
The secret is NOT to use a hatchet on a tree.... But use a pickaxe? WHAT? That's some sierra point & click logic right there.

... Game design guys!

 

[Filthy Sauce]

PART 14: HEART OF DARKNESS

Spoiler

Okay, we obtained some bark, and went back home to craft a tanner's workbench. I need to get some hides to turn into leather, then we will be able to craft the next tier armor.

Can I have your hide Mr. Kitty?

Please don't eat my hide, Mr. Kitty.

We need to find some easier prey. Perhaps the cannibal camp we encountered last update has some spare skins laying around.

The camp is on a high and narrow ridge, so there's little room to maneuver. There's a few guys patrolling the entrance, so we carefully engage without rolling off to our death. And yes, its a bit ironic that we killed a tanner and sliced his skin off.

A cozy little camp, ripe for the pickins.

We slaughter the entire tribe... of 3 people. No treasure chest, but one of them had some dried berries in his pocket. They don't provide much food value, but they last a long time (yes- foods have decay timers)

I killed a family for their blueberries. I felt so bad ass, I tried to take a screenshot with another lightning bolt blasting in the background... BUT FAILED.

There are a few more high perches in the area, which we check out. Mostly just small settlements with nothing of interest. I kill everyone, and start looting some of these guys armor. And by armor, I mean dirty loin cloths. I think I'll switch out to the new set- once I get a few more pieces.

I have killed so many Jungle people. Raided their villages. Stole their food. Ripped the undies off the wives and daughters. I need to get home before the darkness consumes me.

One more for the road. Caught him peepin in my house.

Okay, this aint the full set, but I'm wearing it. I'm sure it will protect me from the jungle creatures.

Next episode- I go deep into the jungle and die. There will be bare ass and 2 types of pussy.

 

[True Ukrainian]

This game reeks of missed opportunity. The screenshots show that its got the low / pulp fantasy vibe nailed down, but your commentary hammers home the tedium of actually playing the game.

 

[Reinhardt]

There will be bare ass and 2 types of pussy.

 

[Filthy Sauce]

PART 15: KATERINA OF THE WILD SEAS

Spoiler

Time to push deep in the jungle and check out some of these dark ruins littering the landscape. I'm sure nothing bad will happen.

hmmm.. The Mire of Eternal Dreams.

WTF... There's no cotton candy here.

Oh... It's THOSE types of dreams.

We gotta keep an eye out for spiders. Situational awareness is now at 200% Nothing will sneak up on us.

Hah? You thought I'd get eaten by a kitten? Your wrong. I run and climb up a tree, and the cat has no interest in a climb.

I'm a master at this game.

Oops... I fell.

A deer watches with amusement as the cat violently bites into our hot latino ass.

Our pussy just got ate.

We were killed by a Jaguar. My cotton loin cloth! It did nothing to protect me!

Ug… Corpse run time.... My body is a million miles away in hostile territory. My years of Everquest experience will be tested.

Well maybe something good came with out death. We discover a nice Iron deposit. I'll be back later

We manage to get back to the general location of our body- slightly beat up by the jungle wildlife.

Crap... I really should have got a better screenshot, but didn't want to risk getting too close..... there's a pirate lady fighting a giant parrot. I'm not kidding. WTF. The lady has a skull on her health bar and a unique name- "Katerina of the Wild Seas", so I'm guessing she's a boss.

We wait until the fight spills out into the distance, and we collect our belongings. Oh, Katerina.... There can only be one slut in this Jungle…

Thank god my axe actually does some damage to her. It's a long fight, and she's got some brutal combos I haven't seen before.

Yes... The fight pushed on into the night... But we were victorious. She also has some strange loot- her (badly damaged) pirate clothes, a large tent made from ship sails.... and a...… ceramic pot. We will take a closer look at this stuff when we get back to base.

I set up camp to cook up some tasty Katerina shanks. Our first real loot haul! Maybe we can find more? If there's pirate treasure in this jungle, we'll find it.


Next episode- I get a peg leg shoved up my ass