Follow along with the video below to see how to install our site as a web app on your home screen.
Note: This feature may not be available in some browsers.
Welcome to rpgcodex.net, a site dedicated to discussing computer based role-playing games in a free and open fashion. We're less strict than other forums, but please refer to the rules.
"This message is awaiting moderator approval": All new users must pass through our moderation queue before they will be able to post normally. Until your account has "passed" your posts will only be visible to yourself (and moderators) until they are approved. Give us a week to get around to approving / deleting / ignoring your mundane opinion on crap before hassling us about it. Once you have passed the moderation period (think of it as a test), you will be able to post normally, just like all the other retards.
This tree is a reincarnated Azira. His soul wanted to serve the kommunism so much that it didn't left the earth to go to Underworld but entered the tree to bring the red light of the one true order even further.
Better to avoid the branches becoming magic anal candles of forced intrusion.
Since Kalinski is the only peasant left in the KKK, we are going to spare him this fate. Not because he is unexpendable, but comrade Grimwulf is too important for menial tasks!
Because of this, we need to wait for fresh meat to explore it: 1.3
I mean it's red, obviously the tree radiates KKKommunism...
AWRIGHT, I'm finally free from that motherfuckn probka, or whatever you funny engrishmen call it (traffic jam?). No more votes r accepted. Gonna play the next day as soon as I find dat bottle of there you are, my body is ready.
Voices in Grimwulf's communism-ridden head voted for:
Green Peace - 1,5 votes (0,5 for Lizzurd)
Choppin' - 8 votes
Investigation - 9 votes
Investigation it is.
Of those who voted for investigation,
- 3 voted for Kalin (Kalin veto'd that option)
- 1 voted for Grimwulf (Grimwulf will remember that)
- 4 voted for new guy
Nighty night, Kalin! May the cockroaches crawl into your mouth while you sleep. You need protein.
Yes, our faces look slightly different AGAIN.
If you wake up this morning from the sound of hateful breathing, open your eyes at once. You will see a handsome one-eyed man clad in armour and wielding a halberd of only the best craftsmanship. That's the last thing you will ever see.
Nah, I will probably choke on the vapors of your foul breath long before I open my eyes. Get a damn tooshbrush, Kalin.
DAY 5
*yawns* Freakin' Grimwulf can't even cook that freakin' meat. "Extra bloody" my ass.
*mumbles to himself while chewing* Son of a bitch almost burned down another KKK. And yet there was something right in brutally murdering those deers. I can appreciate what Grimwulf did yesterday. It was justified. It was human nature.
*watching several mildly disgusting worms curling in the half-eaten chunk of meat* My bonus, eh? Thanks, Grimwulf. Thanks a lot. I'm glad you finally recognized my value.
Fukkit. *gnaws on the worm-ridden meat*
Later that day.
KALIN, YOU WORTHLESS MONGREL!! Where are you?!
Workin'.
I want that unscrupulous eye of yours to have a look at our prisoner! Right now!
I'm sure she is fine.
... Actually, when was the last time I checked on her?
A few minutes later.
*opens the prison door* Yyyuuurrgh, the stench...
How are you still alive? *psshhh* Grimwulf?
*psshh* Yeah?
She is-- err, she's ded.
Whatever. Over.
Hhhnnhhh...
Nothing personul, hon. Just communism. *drops halberd on Pacer's head*
*pssshhh* You still there?
*pssshhh* I'm in the prison. Barrel prison. Prison for empty barrels.
Bring Pacer's body to the tree.
Why..?
COZ I SAID SO! Over.
Human sacrifices to the tree? Really?
Nah, just being a good leader of commie men.
How does it make you a-- forget it, I don't want to know.
Later that day.
Let's discuss our current situation.
I could use a break from endless labor.
You haven't done shit today.
Says the man who woke up at 13:00.
Making manly decisions takes time. I decided we investigate that eerie tree, along with strange whispers and carved symbols.
Fat chance, I ain't stepping near that thing! Got bad juju written all over it.
Then we wait for inevitable stream of komrades joining our cause and appoint one of them for the task.
Works for me. Would you kindly MAKE SOME FOOD while we wait? I had to eat worms this morning. Literally.
I'll think about it. Food is not our only shortage, Kalin. We are low on medicine. Therefore, we save what's left for emergencies.
Every fucking day here in KKK is an emergency. Pain and suffering galore.
That's kommunism for you. Awright, time to work. Go chop trees while I cook dem steaks.
It's been a silent foggy day. We finally managed to get some rest and gather ourselves.
Kalin's mood improved somewhat. He no longer bears that raging "I'll chop your balls" look in his eye. Which is good, coz I need him to chop trees.
Deer steaks. They smell of scorched liberuls and vengeance. Good smell.
Good times.
Later that night, not far away from KKK.
This is the place, Master. We have found the battlefield.
Awaiting your command, Master. *turns around and looks at the creature behind*
*engorges a long monologue consisting of haunting piping sounds and shrill cries*
Komrade Nevill, one could say that the most palatable goal of Kommunism is to serve man; should Randy bless us, we shall do so with some salt at hand. On occasion the way to sustain the beating heart of the proletarian revolution is to snack on the ones that have ceased pumping.
Kalin, with his experienced eye instantly noticed most important details. Maybe he want bed from her leather - since this is his only one chance to sleep with womyn...
Or maybe he just hungry and remembered awesome shashlik from season 1.
Oh, if by any chance you get to recruit some kind of prosperous creature, disregard put my previous character proposal at the bottom of the list. Y' ahor ah ehye l' tharanak n'gha l' mghrii ot communism.
Stop sleeping in my bathroom, Kalin! Can't you move your bed to Azira's crypt?
For fuck's sake, Grimwulf! What time is it?
Working time. Get up, you bastard.
I hope you die soon. Anyway, I was thinking--
I don't want to know the end of this sentence. Never do that again. Come on, let's grab some steaks.
*munching* Pretty sure raw meat tasted better. You are a shitty cook, Grimwulf.
And a handsome man to add.
Say, did you hear those weird... shrieks? This night?
That was you conscience beggin' you to start working already!
Fuck you. *goes outside*
Good boy. *follows Kalin*
Greetings.
HALT! I am Heavan's General of Justice Wulfgrim Bloodeye, Kommisar Extravagante, Protector of Equality and Common Good! State your political affiliation at once!
...
I'm Kalin. 'tis Grimwulf. He's a tiny bit fucked in the head. Nevertheless, he can easily put a flaming bolt into yours, unless you start talkin'.
I am Raj. My companion here is Matvei. We are speking on behalf of the Master.
Ain't got no time for mouth flappin'. Surely you can handle that by yourself, Grim. *goes away*
Stay right where you are! Don't move until I consult with a friendly sarcophagus.
... Sure. Go talk to sarcophagus. *watches Grimwulf entering the crypt* What do we do now, Matvei?
LET THE SCURVY MADMAN DIE IN THAT CRRRRRRYPT FOR ALL I CARE! WE SHALL CARRY OUT MASTER'S ORDERS!
Azira, I need your zombie-ass councel on the weird people outside.
What do you expect me to say? Recruit, force to work. The usual. I am more worried about your progress with brewing and resurrecting activities.
Working on that. Remember: patience is a virtue. I'll be back, don't go anywhere.
Oh, you.
THE SARCOPHAGUS HAS SPOKEN!
... What did it say?
Thou shalt be recruiten!
*facepalm*
WHAT IN FREKIN' GODS NAME ARRRR YE BLABERRIN' ABOUT?!
Matvei, please! Look, mister Grimw--
Kommissar.
Kommissar Grimwulf, we are on a certain mission...
FROM THE SOCIETY OF GRRRRRRRRRREATER BEINGS!
Yes, our Masters possess vast knowledge and power.
Masters? Society? As in General Secretary..?
To put it short...
So. You were sent here by some sort of mind-controllin' aliens or sumth.
WE AIN'T BEING "SENT", YE JELLYWAG! IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT!
We are here to serve and protect our Master.
Boring meaningless life. Why don't you join Kodex Kommunistic Kolony?
Join you?
WE ONLY SERVE THE HIGHER POWER, HALFWIT!
Reconsider.
That's some top-level recruitment skillz right there.
FARK OFF!!!
Matvei, why don't you show Kommissar to our Master?
FOLLOW ME!!
Is it he or she?
THEM! IT'S THEM!
Oookay.
OVER THERE! THEY LIKE ICE CREAM!
Fuck me Karl Marx...
*grossly consuming ice cream using each of five mouth-tentacles*
I honestly don't know what to say.
*making popping and gurgling sounds*
Yeah, pop-pop, gurgle-gurgle. Didn't catch your name.
*more gurgling and bubbling*
Bli-bla-blu..? Bliblablubb it is!
Tee-hee, it's Tadaraot-ti. Her name.
Bliblablubb fits so much better. WAIT! Whatchar doin' in my head, dead woman?!
Helping you find your true love, mon komissair~
A tentacled vegetable with wings, which loves ice cream and mind-controlling liberuls?
Seems like a perfect match!
I'd rather romance Kalin's eyehole.
*shrieks deafeningly, three of its eye-tentacles begin to weep*
Awwwww, you offended them!
TELL THAT OTHERWORDLY BANSHEE TO STOP!!! Waaait a minute. How come you understand it?
Understand them, Kommissar Wulf. There is no need to tell them anything - they can read your mind.
Wat? GIT OUT OF MY HEAD!!
Who, me?
Not you! ACTUALLY, YOU TOO!
*gurgle murgle*
She asks if you have any ice cream to trade?
I have weapons. You know what they say about weapons - get them, and you can take all the ice cream you want from kids and babies.
*excited gurgling*
They like your proposal, tee-hee~
Got rid of that junk at last. Got me some real medicine too.
Better late than never. *sigh*
They can sell slaves, if you're interested.
The pricetag is through the roof. Aren't they mind-controlled or some shit?
Don't let that thing use its psionic mumbo-jumbo on me, lacgirl.
They won't even try, daddy. Kommissar Grimmie is too insane to be controlled. And Kalin, well, they don't like to mess with genocidal minds. It's contagious.
How come you understand the evil vegetable and we don't?
They speak the language of love. None of you can understand it!
*gentle popping*
Our guests are annoying to say the least.
Had to give away steaks just to get rid of them.
I mean, the alien veggie and the screaming pirate guy is ok, but the hooded woman is way too much.
Don't know how long I can hold before goin' full berserk on her.
Tell me this.
If you were given the choice: living a happy life of labor or having your skull cracked by a wrench - what would it be?
I AM HAPPY! CAN'T YOU SEE?!
Kommissar Grimwulf, please leave Matvei alone. He is, umm--
RRRRRRRRRRRRIGEDDY RAG!
Special. He was not... converted... easily. Anyway, we shall be leaving soon.
Hrmpf, you can stay for the night. We have spare beds.
MASTER WILL APPROVE THAT!!
Kommissar? May I have a word with you outside?
What is it?
We cannot shackle our bond with Master and most of us are content with our fate. This isn't slavery. Master has their own way with our minds, makes us experience joy. Constantly.
Aye, that guy sure looks joyful.
Matvei is different. He used to be another man entirely. Something went wrong during conversion, and now I can't help but feel sorry for him. If you could, umm... Convince Master to let him go..? To cut the mental cord between Matvei and Master?
I'll see what I can do.
A word of precaution, Kommissar. If you succeed, expect Matvei to change drastically.
A bit later.
Listen here, Blablabla.
It's Bliblablubb.
It's Tadaraot-ti!
WHATEVER!
Slavery is bad, ok? Every men, every human being - hell, even a woman - should be free to work all day long.
*confused gurgle*
They ask what is "work"?
*face turns red*
Oh, boy. Fasten your seatbelts, people. I reccomend anal candles for earplugs.
One hour of Grimwulf's raging, roaring and swearing later.
THAT'S HOW YOU WORK, YOU MIND-FUCKING TENTACLED ICE-CREAMIN' GURGLEMONGER!!!
God fucking dammit, Grimwulf - shut the fuck up already, my head is gonna explode!
*consuming ice cream with great appetite*
They are mildly amused. You were made for each other, tee-hee~
Fucking aliens. Almost worse than deers.
Awww, don't be so rude. They are a gentle creature, easily offended.
My ass.
What can you tell us about Bliblablubb, lacgirl?
A lot, actually! We are so much alike.
Long time ago they were betrayed by the ones they loved.
While betrayal left them scarred, Tadaraot-ti never stopped to improve the art of LOVE to perfection.
They love hanging outside. Watch the stars.
And, umm... watch the stars while hanging outside?
Anyway, they are VERY romantic and passionate. That's all you need to know.
Boring.
YOU THERE, PIRATE!
ARRRR?!
YARRRR!!
YARRRRRRRRR!!!*nods in approval*
Later that morning.
How do I cut the cord if Blublublu refuses to do it?
You-- shh, they are approaching!
Hrmpf. AWRIGHT there, Blorbulhall! You and I gotta talk NAW!
*devours ice cream*
Are you listening to me? HEY! *beats the ice cream from Bliblablubb's tentacles*
*shrieks horribly*
STOP IT!!!
WORDS - DO YOU UNDERSTAND THEM?!
*weeps, pops and drools*
I NEED MEN - LOYAL MEN - NOT VEGGIES - ONLY MEN! NEED MEN!
*tries to reach for ice cream lying on the floor*
*slaps the tentacle* YOU LET THAT SCREAMIN' PIRATE GO AND WORK FOR THE KOLONY! And I will let you eat that ice cream.
*excited gurgling*
Right now they would do anything for an ice cream.
It's a deal then.
Can't believe you did it. Master accepted the bargain!
The Society will disapprove Tadaraot-ti's decision... Even though it was based on lust for ice cream and therefore justified.
Later that day.
Hrmpf. Where was that pirate? YOU THERE, old bum! Did you see a glorious son of salty water, running around and cursing everyone on his way?
'ello, Kommissar. You've done me a favor cutting that mental cord. I owe you one.
Brezhnev take me. It's you. *takes a long look at Matvei*
Yep. I know I'm old and not so feisty anymore, but trust me Komissar - I can pull my weight.
Hrmpf. Can you?
I've seen things, been places, lived a long life. Wasn't easy at first, considering the underground dump I was raised in.
At least I learned a lot about transplantation. Anyway, I managed to break free eventually. Got gud at engineering.
I can fix anything, Kommissar - be it human or machine.
Engineer, doctor and a smart guy to add?
Yep. Among other things.
In that case--
Hooommm... Kommissar Wulf?
MY HEAD IS NOT A PARTY HOUSE FOR DEAD PEOPLE, FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!
Okay, I'll keep that in mind.
I'm not talkin' to you, bum.
K-Komissar? A word?
WHAT?!
I can tell you about this person. I am good at evaluating people.
If only you were as good at running, you would be still alive. Fine. Talk.
It's hard to tell from his looks, but he is definitely Asian. And loves remote control cars. He was probably a bit less repulsive 60 years ago.
Matvei is old. Old people are useless. They sleep much more than work.
MUCH MORE, Kommissar!
He doesn't strike me as someone who can run or fight.
He resembles my grandpa somewhat. My grandpa was a gardener.
His trigger finger is tingling. Can you see it?
You suck at this, Greenball. You are literally the worst.
I am a certified empath.
THEN TELL ME SOMETHING USEFUL!
He is a chill dude overall.
Sharp, but not edgy.
*sigh* Useless in death as you were in life.
One more thing, Kommissar. I definitely see an abnormality in Matvei. Something similiar to your, humm, condition. It's like there are two separate personalities living together in one head. His current state is the one dominating most of the time. The same person was mind-controlled by the vegetable monster, releasing the second personality - a raving madman capable of--
Will you ever shut up?
I hate to break your conversation, but I need to know if I can stay or not.
Consider yourself hired.
Didn't catch your name.
Matvei.
What a stupid fucking name. Is it Russian? I'm gonna call you... hmmm...
He reminds me of a peculiar starship doctor I used to work together with. A bear of a man. We called him Spigot.
Spigot. I like it.
I've been called worse.
Matvei! It is really you!
Hello, Raj.
*gurgles welcomingly*
...
Psst. Raj. You should join too. Maybe Kommissar can strike another bargain, set you free?
I'm all out of ice and cream.
I wouldn't want that anyway. I love travelling with Master. The coversion didn't change me one bit, only made me happy and joyful.
Still worth a shot.
You can do it, Kommissar. Your diplomatic gift is truly amazing.
I kno. Watch me. GET YOUR CRAWLING BAG OF TENTACLES OVER HERE, VEGABOND!
Now you listen to me!
Later that day.
We're here, gramps. Help yourself with new clothing.
And find something sharp to kill hostiles. Gotta watch out for deers. Pretty sure that's an arbalest over there, in the mud.
Thanks, son. God bless that eye of yours.
Yeah, yeah, just make sure you don't shoot me in the ass. Fucking friendly fire will be the downfall of KKK, mark my words.
*watching Kalin hauling corpses* Why don't you bury them?
Fuck if I know. Grimwulf's orders. HAUL BODIES TO THE TREE!
That glowing tree over there?
Don't ask.
An hour later.
Look at you.
Still looking like a bum, but now an armed and dangerous bum.
That hat is beyond horrible, though.
Reminds me of my younger years.
Later that day.
Brought some bolts from the battlefield.
Perfect timing, komrade Spigot. I'm runnin' low on fresh meat. Gonna hunt me another deer.
Where is Raj?
Sleeping with her vegetable Overlord.
She is a decent person, Kommissar. Don't give up on her.
Don't you have stuff to do, other than buggerin' me with smalltalk? Go find yourself a bed and move it to the bathroom.
Bathroom it is!
But remember - it's my bathroom. Out of my way!
Later that evening.
*pssshh* All done! Anything else I can help you with, Kommissar?
*psshhh* You could stop annoying me for a start. Let's see. Remember that eerie tree?
Yep.
It just materialized over there overnight. Mighty weird shit if you ask me. But hey, you were enslaved by a tentacled vegetable - surely you can figure out sumth simple like that!
What do you want me do exactly?
I want you to study the symbols carved on that tree, make sense of them.
Got it.
Sometime later.
*aiming* Come to grim daddy...
I hope it's not FLAMING bolts this time?
*pulls the trigger* This arbalest is loaded with communism, Kalin. The deadliest weapon.
What is the new guy doin'?
Performing an investigation.
*drops another corpse to the pile* Hey? Old fart?
How... peculiar...
Right then, I'll leave you to that. KKK appreciates your sacrifice.
*shoots another bolt* NAILED IT!
Would you kindly STOP SHOOTING WHILE I'M HANGING AROUND?!
Don't hang around. Work, damn you!
The sight of all that deer blood is inspiring.
Meanwhile.
These are connected. Interesting. Does it mean--
Come again? I think I'm starting to understand you.
If th-- hmm, whtchya-- meanol... *begins murmuring incoherently*
SPIGOT!
Status report, Spigot!
Iä
What was that? *munches steak*
Iä! Iä!!!
RRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!
Where r u goin'? Spigot? Oh, well.
I got a deer to gut.
Kommissar Grimwulf? I woke up from Matvei's screaming - do you know where he is?
Does it look like I care? *gutting deer*
... It doesn't.
Nighty night!
Yes, good night to you too.
Gotta explain myself on recruiting policy.
I didn't intend to recruit that Elder Thing thing. Mostly because it's useless - it cannot do shit, literally. This one is particulary lazy and worthless.
But, we'll have to do it, since Raj ins't impressed with KKK. Being a slave, Raj should join us together with her master. If it works out, Bliblablubb will be the Elder Thing, and SmartCheetah will be Raj (I'll change the avatar)
Elder Thing can be recruited anytime, since it they like KKK just enough. Gonna happen in the next updatan! (tomorroh)
Later that night.
*wakes up* What's that fucking scratching sound? Spigot! Goddamit!
Why is everyone in KKK obsessed with scribbling shit down in journals?! STOP IT, for fucks sake!
*writing in a frenzy* MMMUMESTISMO STESTIMUO!
That's exactly what we needed - another Grimwulf. FUCK! I hate my life!
*crawls into the room*
HOLY SH-- Oh, it's you. I'll never get used to you. Can you calm him the fuck down?
*helpless gurgling*
Figures.
*writing speed increases, sweating profusely*
Meanwhile.
I'm worried about Spigot.
A tree cannot harm you, Azira.
Tree? No, I mean I am worried about him sleeping near Kalin. This maniac might chop the poor old guy while he sleeps, just for fun.
*grumbles* My only problem is falling asleep myself, and you ain't helpin'.
Cheer up, the Kolony might be prosperous yet!
A favor, Grim? If I may?
Farkin' hell, Azira. What is it?
Would you please tell Bliblablobb to... stop?
Stop WHAT??
... Whatever it is they are doing with my sarcophagus. It's creeping me out.
*pssshhh* Grimwulf, come in.
*psshh* GODDAMIT, PEOPLE! GIVE ME A BREAK!
Shuddup, we have a situation with Spigot here. The senile old man has been scribbling something for hours. Like, a frenzy scribblin' - I've never seen people writing and drawing at such speed.
Let the old geezer write his love letters to veggie space monsters. Why do you bother me, Kalin?
WELL, he's done now. As soon as he finished, Spigot just fainted out. And, umm, these... texts..?
What about them?
Something ain't right about them, Grimwulf. Something ain't right about Spigot too.
This is Lovecraftian lore. Shoggots are protoplasmic things that were trained by the Elder Things as beast of burden and war. Here on Earth, a Shoggoth rebellion caused the demise of the last cities of the Elder Things (in Antarctica). So yes, he's a shoggoth trainer, survivor of a shoggoth rebellion.
Shoggoths are horrible, horrible things, by the way. I'd suggest you to play Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth for a closer look.
Elder things aren't that malicious, by the way. They are almost okaysh for lovecraftian creatures.
