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"Ughh, so whoever is responsible for firefighting and shit, let's roll a d6 to see what you're going to do with the current situation in siberia"
6 - Critical success, you are given all the resources available to extinguish the fires in a minimal amount of time
5/4 - Succeess, you get enough resources and army provides you with manpower to organize firefighting
3/2 - Failure, you get my support, but get the money elsewhere
1 - "EStiMaTEd ExPENsES wOulD ExCeEd tHe pROgnoSed HaRM"
Die are an invention of the bourgeoisie to spoil workers of their wages through gambling. Thus die and all other gambling apparatus are non-kommunist, tools of oppression of the proletariat by the bourgeoisie and forbidden on pain of Gulag.
Die are an invention of the bourgeoisie to spoil workers of their wages through gambling. Thus die and all other gambling apparatus are non-kommunist, tools of oppression of the proletariat by the bourgeoisie and forbidden on pain of Gulag.
2nd Timber, 126, Late Autumn
Redlabored, Central Square
Throwing my support behind Grimwulf, for what little it's worth.
*takes up position behind Kalin, poised to BASH him if Helly triumphs*
Moh boy and I will stand with Grim. He tok us in and gave us a new home.
My vote is for Grimwulf of course. Could have it no other way.
*looks in frustration as the dwarves position themselves behind Grimwulf*
*stands firmly by Helly's side*
Lizzurd!
HELLY IS THE ROOT OF EVIL! Emperor of dwarfkind is our leader! I vote for Grimwulf!
Cowards, cowards everywhere. You know what is wrong with this place, and yet you persist.
It's OVER, Helly! Put down your axe before I order my dwarves to behead you with it!
*throws her copper axe on the floor*
*step in, putting makeshift shackles on Helly and Wayward Son*
*doesn't resist* I am so, so disappointed with all of you.
What did you fucking expect, you monster? MY LOYAL SUBORDINATES voting for KALIN of all dwarves? Look at him! LOOK!
It was HIS fault we lost TWO KOMRADES during the werebeast attack! It was HIS poor performance as the first manager that dragged us down into the ass we're currently in! You were supposed to FIX the goddamn situation which KALIN created, and THAT is your solution? To put KALIN in charge?! KALIN! FUCKING KALIN!
*tries hard not to lose his shit*
Well played, Grimwulf. Always finding someone to blame for your own failures.
Grim might be misrepresenting some facts, but the point still stands. You've made it worse for everyone, Helly. You. Not Grimwulf, not the others.
TODAY is the WORST day my fortress has ever, and WILL EVER see! This means that starting from now all I want to see is PROGRESS! And since all of you are gathered here, IGNORING THE GODDAMN WORK YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO, I want EVERYONE to cast their votes! We're holding elections AND voting for important decisions! Namely Spigot's punishment, and the gates situation.
Hours later
Sukhavati, I urge you to reconsider your choice. To stand by and watch an innocent dwarf be sentenced to death by mining - I am old, weary, in the early stage of boneitis - and do nothing? It would be shameful. Help me, my friend.
...
Kommunistic Konsensus has spoken, Spigot. You are sentenced to one year of working in the mines.
Once these foreign agents have removed me from the safety of the brewery it is clear I won't last long. Don't think for a second I'll be the last to go.
A year in the mines will do you good. But opening those gates will be our downfall.
Maybe. Now CAST YOUR VOTES for appointments! The previous team proved to be COMPLETELY incompetent, so this time I want ONLY THE BEST!
More hours later
Are you out of your goddamn mind?! Appointing the TRAITOR as an administrator of Angèrith?!
I will not waste my time defending myself against old charges. My abilities speak for themselves - I have the best skills for the job.
Forget about the broker, why are we putting the least safety-concerned dwarf, and a woman to add, on the manager's position?!
DEBATES ARE OVER! Super Vatnik is the manager from now on.
I never asked for this.
Your desires are irrelevant when Redlabored is at stake!
In that case, I'll use the Managerial Power of Veto to override the votes on Spigot's punishment so we can produce booze at maximum efficiency.
Muh new BRO SPIGOT is muh new sekond in kommand!
The Kommander's edict of conscription is inviolable, the Kommander's position, however, is not.
U WOT?! Awrigh, DAS IT--
An hour of violent verbal fighting later
So first, our new manager abstains like a bitch during the vote for Spigot's punishment, and at the time I thought she was just proving herself a coward who would desert a dying man, but now she's trying some legalese nonsense to usurp Kalin's orders and keep me chained to the still!
If Sucky wants Spiggy she can FITE ME!
Well, threatening one's superior is an out-and-out declaration of treason.
Yer NUT MAH SUPERIAH, dedbrains, yer AN ADMINISTRATU, jes like me!
It is clear to me now that she has been acting out of jealousy of my sweet pet lion tamarin. You're going to the top of the list motherfucker!
Here's wut wat: Tamburin? Dat kritter is now offishul militia mascot, a DEEP reprusentaishun of glorious KKK dominating elven possi! If you sell it - militia GOES ON STRIKE! Gud luk defending ur own sheit without KKK MILISHU!
Now the militia striking over a fucking monkey is not something I am going to be responsible for. I am selling the tamarin and if the militia decides to strike over it then they can explain their decision - and how it wasn't blatant treason - to the Kommissar.
ENOOOOUUUUUUGH!! That's a WHOLE NEW LEVEL of Low! Fighting between yourselves in front of the whole fortress! Great dwarven leaders, my arse!!
*everyone is still gathered on the central square, screaming and debating between themselves*
GIT BACK TO WORK, ALL OF YOU! Administrators, meet me in my office! Speaking of which, Gimli!
Givi.
Carry my glorious armored body to my private quarters!
Umm, why me?
I need someone STRAIGHT to do it! You are the least gay komrade of KKK. Also, SOMEBODY PULL THAT LEVER already!
I heard the Queen's liaison is waiting outside. I imagine he'd want to have a talk. Besides, new migrants need to be KKKommission'd. So again, I want each and every one of my administrators in the office.
Psst. Grim. *whispers* You might wanna wait with opening the gates. Let's talk it over in private first.
Hrmpf. Fine. *gestures to Givi*
*struggles to lift Grimwulf* HHHHHNNNNGGGG
HEY! NO HUGGING!
I had to drop the armor.
Otherwise, I would die of hunger, thirst, dehydration and muscle pain.
Late Night
Redlabored, Kommissar's Quarters
*enter Grimwulf's Office*
I assume you gave the necessary orders before coming here? Don't want my fortress loitering while we discuss your incompetence.
Did sum' persunell chunges in mah squad.
From now on, KKK MILITIA is ELITE UNIT!
Wepunz-wise we're gud. Still no armur tho.
What you see below is Prolebasher's current equipment. Everyone, with a notable exception of Lagole, has a real weapon and a wooden shield. The squad currently sports:
- 2 Hammerdwarves (Kalin and Spigot)
- 3 Axedwarves (Kalarion, Brother Frank, Storyfag)
- 1 Speardwarf (Stukos)
- 1 Marksdwarf (Smart Cheetah)
- 1 Lagole Lon
A thing to remember is we have no archery range, neither do we plan to build one in the foreseen future. Any marksdwarves recruited by Kalin will be training in bashing their opponents with crossbows in melee.
What about Helly?
Wot about her? CHAIND UP in mah barrucks, protektad by da Prolebushus.
I thought you were friends. *mumbles* If not lovers.
I am KALIN, SON OF KALIN! Mah only friend is MAH WAR HAMMAH!
I'm curious. Aren't you insulted that not a single dwarf voted for you being the new Kommissar ? Not even your own soldiers?
Feh. Ah wuz just waitin for moar dorfs to dicklare traitur to smash em all! Kalin ain't no traitur, TRAITUR!
Here we go again with "traitor" accusations.
He has a point, though.
Yep. We all read the latest issue of Angèrith Examiner.
Fucking DROP IT already, all of you! Where is the manager?
Ummm, we thought she was here..?
Meanwhile in Sukhavati's Office
*scribbles some notes, looks at them in frustration, then picks another sheet and starts again*
*enters the room* May I?
*gestures Merc to sit down without even looking at him*
Kalin fired me from the squad. Even mumbled something about me doing "gud". That caverns encounter really changed him.
I'm busy. What do you want?
Hrmpf. That's cold. Well, I came by to let you know that the best carpenter of Redlabored is fully at your service.
Noted.
Oh, come on! I know you're not the type to make friends or trust others, but it's me! We are both from the original expedition. We're friends!
Tindrli and I are the only original settler-dwarves not involved in politics. You need to talk to someone, Sukhavati! Unless you don't want to chat with ever-indifferent Tindrli, I suggest you make use of my ears and my counsel.
...
Just spit it out. What's the problem?
Everything. The whole fortress is one massive chunk of problems.
Let's start with the most pressing matter.
Booze.
Booze.
According to Sqeecoo's latest report, we still have brewable ingredients.
If my calculations are right, this will be enough to last us through the entire Winter.
Our stocks of cave wheat and sweet pods alone should be enough.
However, they took away our best brewer.
Eryfkrad and Nut-Kin are both talented brewers, if not quite at Spigot's level. No need to worry about that.
I normally wouldn't, but it is my intention to open a tavern where the dining room used to be.
Naming in DF is done through an intricate name generation process.
A player can input nicknames, profession names, squad names and assorted labels on levers, stockpiles, workshops freely.
But location names must be dwarven.
Sukhavati's new tavern is called Tinothmostod Idgag, which translates to "The Equal Shame of Subordinates". Don't ask.
Those of you who have DF installed (the game is free, btw) may run the game and fuck around with names generator. If you come up with something better - post your suggestion in the thread. I'll rename the tavern if your suggestion amuses me enough.
This tavern is a temporary measure anyway. We'll need a proper Grand Hall at some point.
That will improve the mood. As well as increase booze consumption.
I know.
We'll need more ingredients to brew.
I know.
Back to foraging then?
Too dangerous. Setting up surface farms somewhere close to the outpost is safer and more reliable in the long run.
With Helly turning her back on us, our most experienced growers are Sqeecoo and Reinhardt.
They are too valuable. Working on the surface is dangerous, thus I will assign someone more...
... expendable.
Good Gods, Sukhavati!
I don't want another Baud situation.
So now you're dividing us into first-class and second-class citizens? And what's your criteria, if I may inquire?
Simple. Those who didn't vote will be sent to the surface farms.
Aren't you a hypocrite! You barely ever vote for anything yourself!
I only abstain from political votings.
Bullshit. You said nothing when we were deciding Baud's fate!
You were silent when we sent Spigot to the mines!
You were among those who voted for it.
Because I believed it was right. One year of hard work would break his overblown pride. I have an opinion, and I stand by it. You, on the other hand, prefer to go with the flow.
If you're here to support me, you're not doing a good job.
I'm here because you are my friend.
That's what friends do. Tell the truth, no matter how repellent it is.
Your truth doesn't help the current situation one bit.
Dwarves will hate you for making them work on the surface. No tavern will change this.
*knocks on the door*
WHAT?!
Umm, the Kommissar demands your presence in his Quarters. "Right fucking NOW", he said.
A bit later
*Enters Kommissar's Quarters*
Farkin' finally.
Where have you been? We have a Kounsil, you know?
I'd rather do my job than waste my breath.
That's not how Kommunism works. We talk. We listen. We make decisions.
Tell me you didn't pull that lever yet.
Not yet.
Shoduk be praised. Komrades, as the Kommanding Physician of Redlabored, I strongly suggest we delay pulling the lever until our brewers produce enough booze to sate everyone's thirst.
With all due respect doctor, seventy dwarves are dying of thirst as we speak. You can't make them wait for booze.
They will fight each other for every barrel and goblet of ale.
Hell, even I am ready to drink water at this point.
Ye. My throut is dry as Citizun's pussi.
Wot..? WOT, NO!! I-I mean she's OLD, ok? I didun mean-- OH, FUKK YOU! ALL OF YOU!
... Anyway, if you open the gates now, everyone will drink from the river. Or worse.
Aye. So?
*sigh* Look, I understand, no self-respecting dwarf knows anything about water. But I, as a doctor, ensure you - not every water is drinkable. The water in the rivers and ponds is foul. It will damage your mood and, quite possibly, your health.
Somehow I'm sure that not-drinking-at-all will kill us faster than drinking bad water.
Your opinion is highly dismissable as always.
Grimwulf, it's not just about water. We have to open the gates and send Kalin's squad outside. Something isn't right there - we all heard sounds of battle.
We know for a fact that Tekkud the liaison is outside. He's been banging on the gates for weeks now. Apparently, he was fighting with someone. Or something.
I've also heard child screams.
Well, what are we waiting for? KALIN, gather your glorified cocksuckers you call ELITE SQUAD and get your sassy butts outside! Make sure the komrades stay underground until you clear the area!
*walks outside grumbling* I'd better git a bonaz.
And while the Kommander struggles to bash some rodents, I want to hear our new manager.
What do you want to hear exactly?
Solutions.
*inhales sharply* We'll set up surface farms to grow more stuff we can brew. It's safer than foraging.
AHEM! I say we focus completely on collecting brewable plants from the surface.
Good thing you are not the manager of Redlabored.
Maybe not. But I am the creator of Artobvod. Combinedsound.
This is a life or death situation for our fort and I'll stop at nothing to try to focus all our efforts on this, which should include pausing all other work that may distract from it and giving it all the dwarfpower it needs.
Dwarves will DIE, Sqeecoo!
We must provide the masses with BARRELS of booze, or the masses will lose faith in Kommunism. It is as simple as that. Kommissar! For old time's sake!
Hrmpf. Sasquatch is right.
About losing faith in Kommunism? Seriously?
No. She's right about being the creator of Combinedsound. I overrule your decision, Suka Vata. Send as many foragers as you can to gather brewable plants. And order Mark to make some stepladders so we can gather fruits from trees.
This is ridiculous. Fine! I'll send our less... valuable dwarves.
We're all equals here.
*looks around Grimwulf's royal room* Sure.
What about the fortress construction?
I've appointed Tindrli as the Head Miner. Was thinking about Givi, he might be a better leader overall, but the fortress needs a dedicated mining force. I will also take the pick as soon as you let me go.
You are the manager now, Sukhavati. Wasting your time on mining is plain silly.
Don't care. The sooner we're done with digging out this layer, the better.
What about the industries?
We'll focus on processing stone and metal ores. I ordered to clear up some storage space and set up additional smelters and masonries.
A temporary measure to speed up the workflow. I've also ordered to rebuild our dining room into a proper tavern.
So that we stop working completely?
So that we vent off the steam. Redlabored suffers, Grimwulf.
Nobody freaked out at Unib's corpse as much as Fedora Master. He experienced panic attacks (which means stopping whatever useless shit he was doing and starting to cry instead) at least four times, even after she was long buried.
Unib's wife wasn't as horrified at her death as Fedora Master.
I'm with Sukhavati on this one. Had a chat with Mediant recently, he told me that the most stressed-out dwarf in Redlabored is Kalin.
Sad, but true. Kalin is the closest to mental break among all of us. Although all members of the original expedition are at risk of losing it, apart from Tindrli - he is quite happy doing what he does.
As a rule of thumb, when forced to live in shitty conditions, those who've been in the fortress the longest are the ones who carry the greatest risk of suffering a meltdown. Azira, Grimwulf, Sukhavati, Kalin, Sqeecoo, Merc - none of us is stable.
We can all imagine what will happen if Kalin goes berserk.
He will kill us all.
Exactly.
Then why did you all vote for Kalin to retain the Kommander position?
I didn't.
You never vote for anything, ye passive-arsed kommunism-hating piece of
Are we done yet? There is a fortress waiting to be constructed.
Aye, about that. I want you to start with this *shows a hastily scribbled scheme*
You want to build a temple before we finish the Food District? A temple to Ecum Fairrighteous of all Gods?
Of course not. Who cares about Ecum Fairrighteous? I only need you to dig a tunnel to the downward stairs right here:
And dig out a small section below the temple.
Why?
This is the Hall of Shame, which will be expanded if needed. I need it RIGHT NAW, so we can place statues of Helly and her husband there.
Statues, engraved stone slabs, engravings on the walls - in other words, everything we come up with to make sure their transgression will NOT be forgotten. Or forgiven.
... Can I go now?
Go. And take this order list with you.
What the hell is this thing?
Your goddamn job, sorted by priority.
On the top is a few pieces of furniture I need for my quarters. Not happy with them at the moment.
Then there is the copper ore. I need it all smelted into copper bars.
Then we have stepladders, buckets, and hunting equipment, which we sorely lack. Armor for our military, along with a few additional picks, just in case. Barrels.
One hundred barrels?
Blame General Secretary, she insisted.
BARRELS. We can never have enough BARRELS, and we'll eventually need more than the 98 BARRELS we have.
What the f--
NEXT, we have stone slabs for the upcoming Hall of Shame, and gneiss cabinets for Kommunalka. Because that bastard Spigot sold all the cabinets we had.
Should I even ask about gold chains?
We'll need them eventually. For the prison.
Gold. Chains.
Aye. A proper Kommunistic Prison.
Ahem. A minor addition, if I may?
Need a traction bench for my hospital, you see.
My patients twitch during routine procedures, making my work a lot harder. This bench will help a lot.
... I'll just go. *grabs the order list and goes away*
That's the spirit. AWRIGHT, Ludicrous Fever!
... Are you talking to me?
Let's discuss our trading policies.
5th Timber, 126, Late Autumn
The Outpost, Dining Room
*looks at Bliblablubb in sadness*
What's wrong? Confused.
You are not my Rith anymore, are you?
Is she dead?
Of course not. She is happy. Silly.
Will she ever come back?
*shrugs and looks around the Dining Room*
*arguing about something in the opposite corner*
I recognize Tobul and Chaosdwarft. Who is the third one?
Onul Earthenmaroon. A rather... straight-forward dwarf, came here with Andnjord's group. I'm keeping a close eye on her since the day she arrived.
Why?
She has "troublemaker" written all over her head.
Her face looks strangely familiar...
No surprise here. Onul is Brother Frank's younger sister.
They kinda do look alike! Touching.
Shhh. Let's listen. Sounds like there is a conflict...
Well, FUCK Sukhavati, and FUCK you too!
Onul, please, calm down.
Tobul, with all respect to your loss, I will NOT tolerate this shit any longer!
You're being a bit over-dramatic.
Oh, oh, EXCUSE ME, Your Highness, I seem to forget my manners sometimes. How could I, a second-class citizen, ever think of speaking so FUCKING RUDE in your presence?!
What's the matter? Our farmer-turned-furnace-operator has nothing more to say? How about farewell to the second-class citizen sent ON THE FUCKING SURFACE to gather plants that we don't even need? HUH?!
She's about to lose it. We should step in.
You go. I'll watch. Curious.
*approaches Onul*
Get outta here. I don't need no brainwashing. Why don't you go to Her Majesty Sukhavati and tell her to open those gates already? Dwarves are dying.
I overheard you arguing. Look. It's not like you're the only one sent on the surf--
Oh, FUCK YOU, Mediant! You know what's the worst part? My sister gets a position in the military. Yeah. The bitch who voted against her Kommander, carrying a newborn baby. I have ALWAYS been a better fighter than her!
I fought elves, monsters, and elven monsters.
While my sister was making glass and being crazy. But do I get my well-deserved position among the Prolebashers? NO! My cursed sister does! FUCK!
Why don't we sit down and talk it over?
I'm done talking. If they don't open those gates right now, I'll go on a killing spree.
The Prolebashers are equipping themselves as we speak. As soon as they deal with whatever threats are present outside--
I AM THE THREAT here, Chaosdwarft! And I'm going to prove it! *heads straight to Sukhavati's Office*
Onul! ONUL, WAIT!
Psychology doesn't work, mmm? *steps forward* Onul, listen to me.
FUCK OFF!
Listen to me.
FF-- f. Mm.
Let me guide you.
Guide. Me.
By Olon's pregnant beard. What are you doing to her?
You'll see.
Meanwhile in the Barracks
CUM ON!! WOS TAKEN SU LONK?!
Huff-puff, almost--
The Prolebasers re-equipped themselves almost instantly. Everyone was ready to clear the surface.
Except Brother Frank. For SOME REASON THAT IS BEYOND ME, when Kalin dragged her back to the squad, she decided it's THE BEST TIME to GRAB A HUGE CHUNK OF GALENA ORE with her.
And now we see her trying to hold a copper battle axe, a wooden shield, A BABY, and this FUCKING CHUNK OF ORE that makes her slower than Grimwuf in his golden armor.
Elite squad, my ass.
Wamen. WAMEN!
*kisses the chunk of ore and puts it down* I'll miss you, Scrubby.
Everyun came up wid call signs? Wos yours, Spiggy?
Curmudgeon.
NOICE.
I wanna be Spetsnazovchik.
NUBUDY CARES!
Penitent. Speaks for itself, I guess.
BMF!!
Brother Mother Frank?
BANG ME, FUCKER!!
Umm, okay.
Not you, idiot. I'm talking to Scrubby.
Mercykiller.
Hrmpf. Because you killed that troglodyte out of mercy?
No. Because I'm trying to kill mercy in myself.
Boo-fucking-hoo.
Sniperdorf.
See? Manly AN' on point!
Bloodhammer of Woe.
*grunts* Ye'll be LITTUL FAGGUT KRY PUSSI KUNTFACE!
Oh, I'll have me revenge. The delay will only make it sweeter.
Yer FACE is delayed! *spits* SQUAD, MUV AUT!
6th Timber, 126, Late Autumn
The Surface
*The Prolebasher's and Cheetah's war dogs come up to the surface, struggling to see anything due to the blinding rays of sun*
BRRRRAAAAAAGH, FACE ME, DAMNABLE CREATURES! WHERE ARE YOU?! SHOW YOURSE--
SHUDDUP!
*approaches Kalin* Let me guess. It was just a prank, huh?
Tukkut? I thot ye died of old age.
Month, Kalin. One whole month I was waiting outside those gates, banging and screaming for you to open.
Ye ye, been busi. Rightin' wrongs, lookin' gud, ye know how it is.
Where is your caravan?
Left. Long time ago, actually. Along with the goods you requested.
Gods, that's a lot of monkey corpses laying around.
Ignore the troglodytes. They are roaming the caverns, and the caverns are sealed.
The troglo group appeared right after Kalin returned to the fortress. They are seeking revenge, I imagine.
The cursed monkeys went insane, attacking us out of the blue.
"Us"?
*points his finger to the south* There is a group of migrants and several monster hunters: Besmar, Vukar, and Litast. They did most of the killing.
The dwarves you see below are monster hunters. They came to Redlabored because we dug deep enough and revealed the first cavern layer. They will not join the fortress ever, but they might petition to stay permanently, working as mercenaries, you could say. Still, they will act however they please, it's impossible to assign labors to them, and thus I won't assign them to anybody unless you specifically ask for it. Think of them as side-kicks.
No real downside of having them around, apart from the need to feed them and keep them drunk. A sacrifice I'm willing to take, considering their superior gear and skills.
*approaching Kalin*
Well, well. If it isn't the brave kommunists, finally coming out from their hiding hole.
Got a problum, fuckhead?
Problem? HAH! Look around and see what happens to my "problems". Now, how about a drink before we get too intimate?
Protecting your migrants makes a dwarf thirsty, soft-butt. You should try it sometime.
*descends to the Outpost*
*follow Besmar*
Pricks.
I will show the way to the migrants. Besides, I really need to exchange words with the Kommissar myself. Kalin, do me a favor - finish off the remaining monkeys, will you?
And badger boars as well. These critters were also attacking us, but we fought back. Hard.
Can't imagine what made the animals go frenzy.
FEH! Waste of mah fuggin' time!
*CHARGES at the nearest langur*
Oh, for fug's sake. PRULBUSHUS, FORWURD!
*makes monkey sounds and flips off Kalin*
U WOT MATE *CHARGES*
Kkkkhhh
U R NOT TAMBURIN!! *obliterates the little monkey with a singular strike*
*tries to catch a badger boar*
*runs away*
Pffft. This is stupid.
The fuck are you doing, lass?
I don't have a weapon, genius.
So what? *intercepts the badger boar*
Poser.
Some minutes later
Das it. Nu more annoyin' critturs.
Gud job, Spiggy.
Arrrr.
Da rest of ya SUCK! As always! DUBUL DETH DRILLS!
8th Timber, 126, Late Autumn
Redlabored, Kommissar's Quarters
*snores like a glorious mammoth*
Ahem.
*snores even louder*
KOMMISSAR GRIMWULF!
*mumbles* Fuck off, Trudy
WAKE UP!
Hrmpf? The hell are you doin' in me bedroom?
We need to talk. Now.
I've had a bad day. Scratch that, a bad YEAR. Gotta rest, gather my thoughts.
What happened here? Didn't you hear us calling to open the gates?
One devious hellspawn decided to sabotage my fortress and end my rulership. Didn't go well for her, as well as for Redlabored.
Tell me more.
Not in the mood for chattin'. It's over now, so no point in dwelling on it.
I see. Well, my caravan left - the Queen's merchants are working on tight schedule. But I will stay to keep an eye on you. One thing you should know: the world is no longer a peaceful and tranquil place it used to be.
Aye, heard about that already. Elves fighting dwarves or sumthin'.
No, you're talking about our dwarven neighbors, The Triangular Diamonds. They are currently at war with elves and goblins, and their elven war is pure disaster.
While this is troublesome, a greater concern is our own wars.
Your wars are not my concern, Threepwood.
Tekkud. And you're wrong if you think the goblins will spare your fortress just because you're not a sworn subject of Queen Bomrek. We've been raided by the Hideous Malice nine times already.
So far we haven't lost a single battle, but the goblins are only growing stronger. Angrier. While we cannot muster a proper army to go on the offensive.
How hard can it be to outsmart a goddamn GOBLIN, old fart?
*sigh*
What?
You know nothing about Kingdomstole and their leaders, do you..? Goblins themselves are primitive, vile creatures, barely a civilization at all. But they follow the Master's orders with outmost zeal. The Master of the Hideous Malice is none other than Emo Grimrust the Poisoned Fright.
The most horrible demon this world has ever seen.
Hrmpf. Doesn't ring a bell.
I'm sure you have worshippers of Dumed here in Redlabored. Why don't you ask them for details?
I need them to WORK, not TALK!
Look. It's not even Grimrust you should be worried about. It's his lieutenants, who make most of the decisions in Kingdomstole.
Busla Diebones, human general responsible for the destruction of Girderjoyous. And Smunstu Guileghouls... *whispers* Legally speaking, the rightful heir of Plankplunged's Throne.
I got NO TIME OR PATIENCE for your stories, old geezer! Redlabored demands my goddamn attention!
Both Smunstu Guileghoules (already mentioned in previous updates) and Busla Diebones have rich backgrounds, as those of you with save files can clearly see. Both of them are of royal lineages, both are connected to numerous storylines intertwined with many characters of this LP. Maybe I'll post out-of-context story of Kingdomstole at some point, if anyone is interested.
Steady as always, I see. Well then. Any particular orders for the next caravan? Which I can only hope you will let inside next time. More deer hearts?
Never hurts to have more. But also, metals. Need good metals here.
The Courageous Crafts doesn't trade iron bars. And we don't have flux stone to refine iron into steel. Thus a MANLY decision has been made by YOUR GODDAMN KOMMISSAR to order steel bars and steel anvils.
We can smelt anvils into more steel.
Noted. Do you want to know what the Queen is willing to buy from Redlabored?
No.
... I'll just leave the documents on the table then.
*enter the room*
The migrants are waiting, Kommissar.
YOU!!! *points his bony finger at Lithium Flower*
Hello, Tekkud. It's been a while.
WHAT--
Ye, we've been dere befor, OK? GIT OUT!!
I--
OUT!! *threatens Tekkud with his war hammer*
*looks at Lithium Flower with burning hatred* Even an old dwarf like me, who spent half of his life among elves, would never betray my own race to defend them. *spits at Lithium Flower's feet* The dwarves never forget.
I am disappointed with you, Grimwulf. *goes away*
Hm. Rude.
But justified. Shall we begin?
*still covered in sweat after mining* Let's get this over with.
NEXT!
*enters the room*
Name.
Mafol Gildblaze. My colleagues used to call me Inspectah.
Sounds cool! What do you inspect?
Machines. Like to keep them well-oiled.
Occupation.
Mechanic. Engineer. Oil Presser.
Purpo--
Writer. Student. Comedian.
ENOUGH! Purpose of visit.
Came to join my sisters. Lovely lasses.
Political views.
Science.
Really, Grimwulf? Are those the questions you've been asking new arrivals all that time?
You got a better one? Shoot.
Give us one reason to accept you in Redlabored.
Hrmpf. *mumbles* Never thought of that...
*grabs something from his pocket* How about this?
*takes the screw and examines it closely*
My own invention.
I came from Dentraded, you see.
Dentraded is the brain center of the world, you could say. A place where scholars of all races are gathering to make progress and do SCIENCE! It sports an enormous library, the Mansion of Paper, that holds an insane amount of (mostly scientific) books.
Inspectah is not the only scholar of Dentraded who came to Redlabored. Some of you may remember that Citizen also made her discoveries there.
As well as Dayyalu.
Surely you've heard of Dentraded?
You are the worst student I had in my 80 years of practice. You will never be a surgeon, Azira. Nobody can teach you! Get out of my sight! You are banished from Dentraded!
*still holding the screw* I see... If you apply a crest-shapen object--
I call it a screwdriver. A fellow engineer, eh?
*nods* This invention could be useful.
Useful? The amount of applications is unimaginable!
Can it BASH?
What? No!
We could use it for tortu-- medical arts, I mean.
Or trading.
My technologies are not for sale. My talents, however, are at your service.
Deal.
I came here with my wife and kids--
All accepted, now SCRAM and call next!
A pleasure. *nods to Sukhavati and exits the room*
A shame we don't have any use for mechanics at this point.
Not true. Some mechanics can be decent managers.
*blushes a little, keeping a straight face nonetheless*
NEXT!
*enters the room*
Yet ANUTHA ugly dorf. Wha cun't ya all be STRIKIN' HOT like KALIN?!
Name.
Domas. Domas Obeyeddike.
Obeyeddike... Obeyed... Dike... Hmmm.
Occupation.
... Just a soldier.
Why does your name sound so familiar..?
Purpose of visit.
Work. Fight your enemies. Do whatever you need me to do.
I definitely heard your name before. And recently!
Political views.
Indifferent. Are you the leader? Then you have my full support.
WAIT! I REMEMBER NOW! Anir, help me-- *RUNS out of the room*
What was that all about?
Not convinced about you, Tomaso.
We need seasoned soldiers, Kommissar. Tell me, Domas, have you killed anyone?
No. I used to be a guard in Singedshields. Didn't see much action, apart from an occasional werebeast attack.
Any reason we should accept you?
... Guess not.
*enter the room*
Well? Is it him?
*almost takes off his helmet, but stops at the last moment* It cannot be.
Andnjord..?
Oso?
Didn't expect to see you here, little brother.
I thought you were dead!
Ahh, another sweet family reunion here in Redlabored. Still not enough of a reason to keep him.
Are you out of your mind, traitor?! It's Oso! THE Oso!
Of course! I remember now. The most legendary bowyer of dwarven race!
Bowyer, not bowman. As in, a dwarf who crafts bows and crossbows, not the one who uses them.
Never heard of him.
Of course you didn't! You only know elven history, completely ignorant of your own! Before I was even born, Oso created The Crossbow to surpass them all! Unmatched to this very day!
Vetek Rigoth.
"The Targets of Craft"
Show them, Oso. Surely you brought it with you?
I don't have it.
What?? Why? Did somebody rob you? Did you leave it in a safe place? Tell me you did.
I destroyed it.
Wot a KUNT!!
That makes you one of us. Unremarkable. Worthless. Completely useless. With nothing to be proud of.
Welcome to Angèrith.
... Thank you. *turns around and walks away*
My parents told me he died. Still can't believe he's here. Oso, wait! *follows Oso outside*
What a waste. I would kill to see the legendary Vetek Rigoth.
I kuld shoot Lago wid a LEGUNDUR crossbo!
*sigh* Oh, well. NEXT!
*enters the room*
Heh. Sorry, we don't accept humans here.
I'm a dwarf.
*chuckles*
Ye, rite. Call next.
But I'm a dwarf.
I'm a dragon then.
Colleagues, please. Sometimes humans call other humans "dwarves" when those others are naturally shorter than--
I'm a dwarf!
Are you a she-dwarf..? With facial hair?
*mumbles* Shouldn'a b surprusd aftah Helly and Most Closter, but still.
I'm a male dwarf.
You have no beard.
I shave.
DAS IT. *swings his war hammer at the beardless dwarf*
*ducks at the last moment*
Calm down, Kalin.
BITCH, ya ain't tellin' KALIN to kalm daun!!
Why do you shave?
I'm quite fond of elves, you see.
Elven culture is so much superior to our own. Ahhh, the beauty of trees. The smell of leaves. The colors of Spring and Autumn.
*KIKS the door and power-walks outside*
Friend, your perception of elves might be a little... naive. You can trust me on that.
What next, Grim? Shall we exile the dwarves and populate Redlabored with elves and elf-lovers?
Name.
Seriously?
Imagine.
Imagine what? Your head on a stake?
My name. Imagine.
I am NOT gonna IMAGINE your name, I fffffucking DEMAND you to name yourself!
*sigh*
Grimwulf. I think it wants to be called "Imagine".
What a weird one.
Occupation.
Dancer. And trapper.
What a strange combination of talents.
Indeed. Do you trap your victims just so you can dance before them?
Purpose of visit.
Planting trees. Spreading culture. That sort of thing.
I am ze oldest goblin gypzy in ze realm. If ye want to be my apprentiz, here is ze firzt lezzon: zome patientz dezerve exzecution inzted of treatment.
Political views.
Elven Matriarchy.
I think we're done here. Better luck next t--
You're accepted.
Oh, come on!
I can see potential in this one.
How nice of you.
Emergency meat.
... Oh.
Now git to work. Chop-chop.
*makes a curtsy and goes outside*
*mumbles* This one might actually like my candle treatment. Oh, the pain and suffering doctor Azira has to endure... NEXT!
*enters the room*
Name.
Onol.
Your full name.
Onol Squaregirders.
Occupation.
Bard.
Bard? You?
I always thought bards are cheerful and chatty. The social types.
I'm a skald. We sing of death, blood, and the grim reality surrounding us.
Can you sing something now?
No.
Please?
*heavy sigh* If I must. This one's called "Death of Starvation in Northern Mountains"
*whispers* What..?
Deler, Deler.
Deler, Deler.
Deliver Us.
What? That was it.
*clasps twice*
That's not a song. You didn't sing, you've just spoken some words monotonously. They didn't even rhyme.
Dwarven poetry is different from the elven one.
I know, doctor. I am a poet myself.
Why do you worthless word-rapers come to my laborious fortress? I have NO USE for poets, bards, singers, dancers - I need MASONS, MINERS, BUILDERS - hard-working BEASTS, ready to spill SWEAT AND BLOOD in equal measure!
Blood iz good. Blood meanz ze patient iz ztill alive. If you are not zure about patientz condition - zpill zome blood.
Azira? Everything's all right?
... Yes. Don't get much sleep lately.
Onol, friend, if you are a bard, how come we've never heard of you?
Some dwarves know me as Matalarata.
Hmm. Still doesn't ring a bell.
Purpose of visit.
Work.
Political views.
Kommunist.
Welcome to R--
Why do we need a bard again?
I have some experience handling animals too. Can skin them. Cut the balls.
We really need gelders. Something has to be done about the baby situation.
Such an adult/chid ratio is a rare sight in DF, at least in my experience. One-third of our population is pedo-bait. Ffs.
Are you sure, though? There is something... off... about this dwarf.
What?
Khe khe khe, yer zuch a ztupid pieze of zhit, Azira! Zat is a ZOCK, not a bandage! Khe khe khe, ye are ze worzt!
... Must be my imagination.
Meanwhile on the Surface
*drinks from the river voraciously*
*takes a sip and almost throws up*
Wuss.
It's like drinking someone's saliva.
Back in Dentraded, we used to drink tea.
Eeeewwww.
Yes. I'm not afraid of pain and tortures after what I've been through.
11th Timber, 126, Late Autumn
Redlabored, Wood District
Bliblablubb? BLIBS! Where are you, damn it?
Right here, doctor! In the workshop!
*approaches Bliblablubb*
Am I... interrupting something?
*watching Blibablubb*
*watching Onul*
*crafting something with great vigor, and a disturbing expression on her face*
Not at all, doctor. Can I help you with anything?
I've been having these dreams ever since you became my apprentice. Hard to describe...
Let me guess. A dream about crashed spaceship, and being stranded on a distant planet.
Whatever is a "spaceship" and "planet", no. Something darker. Something... bloody.
*keeps crafting, oblivious of the dwarves chatting around her*
The dreams often indicate our repressed sexual desires.
And sometimes they are visions of our counter-parts from other worlds. Other lives. Multiverse!
What is your wife talking about, Mediant?
No idea, doctor. *mumbles* This thing is not my wife anymore...
*whispers a sonorous tune in Onul's ear*
Have you seen the recent issue of the Angèrith Examiner?
Not yet.
Here, take a look.
... Disgusting. *tears the newspaper apart*
Are you sure you're all right, doctor Azira?
This thing is the reason of our problems. We need proper propaganda, not some pitiful articles about tamarins and our own disagreements. This kind of "information" creates the atmosphere for revolutions and treason.
Making propaganda is a difficult task.
Nonsense. Give me a sheet of paper and whatever they use to print text--
A typewriter. Silly.
Yes, a typewriter. Whatever it is.
I can make one for you. Eager!
Please do. And leave it at the hospital, along with instructions.
17th Timber, 126, Late Autumn
Redlabored, Hall of Shame
My back hurts. Come on, Tindrli! Can't we have a break?
*thud, thud, thud* No.
*grumbles* Curse you. And Sukhavati.
*comes down*
*follow Sukhavati*
Are you listening? I'm telling you, there is now way I can complete this order on my own, not in the shcedule you've--
Not now.
Can you just say if we should cut the trees, or leave them for the gathering fruits?
Later, Bobr.
Sukhavati, with all due resp--
*starts mining*
It's a simple question.
This is prepostorous! You are throwing orders left and right, while completely ig--
AAAARGH! NOT! NOW!! LEAVE ME ALONE!
*walk away to their workstations*
*looks at Sukhavati wth concern*
What do YOU want, Givi?
Nothing. I am a miner. *shows his pickaxe*
... Right.
We're done here. There was no need to come.
To the Food District then. Go, Tindrli. Lead the way.
... We can dig out the fortress without you. You're needed elsewhere.
I'll make decisions for myself. Now go!
20th Timber, 126, Late Autumn
Redlabored, Barracks
*spar with each other*
*watches Kalarion and nods approvingly* Gud enuff.
R-really?
Nut yu, FAG! TRIPUL DETH DRILLS FER YU!!
Send me to the caverns, Kommandorf! I'm ready!
Nah. I ain't gettan paid enuff ta send mah boiz to da cavurns.
*enters the barracks* Kalin.
Grimbitch.
Where is Helly?
*shakes his head towards the armory*
*GLORIOUSLY opens the door* HELLYYY!
*chained and covered in dirt, all three raise their eyes at Grimwulf*
I hereby BANISH all of you to the Surface! To the prison I named Gulag. Your task will be--
Spare me your speeches, Grimwulf. Let my family go away, or kill us - I don't care anymore. But don't think for a second I will work for you ever again.
*spits*
Hrmpf.
I should execute you and your family for what you've done to Redlabored. You're lucky I don't execute children. Yet.
If this is the case, what are we waiting for? Unchain us.
As you can see, we cannot expel Helly and leave Wayward Son / Melbil / Kel the dog. It's either all of them or none of them. That's how families work.
*coughs violently*
What's up with him?
My husband isn't known for perfect health. Appointing him as a coalmaker only made it worse for him.
KALIN!
WOT?!
Lead Helly's retarded husband to the hospital. Tell Azira I ordered to treat his cough.
A parting gift..? How very unexpected.
Oh, ffs - IMMA NOT A NURSE! Laggy, go do wot Kommussar Gaywolf said!
*rolls eye and kicks Wayward Son* Get up.
*leave the Barracks*
*unshackles Helly and Melbil* Walk with me, Helly. I'll see you to the surface.
A bit later
The Suface
*breathes fresh air*
This didn't have to end like this.
I'm glad it's over.
You are a shitty manager, that's a fact. But you might have been a better Kommander than Kalin.
I've been leading others my whole life. Passive, stupid, incompetent - I've seen them all. I'm tired. Wayward Son is enough of a burden for me.
*nods* Incompetence is hard to deal with indeed.
... Redlabored is doomed. You know that, right?
I am the ship. You are the goddamn anchor.
Phah. We'll see what happens to the ship without an anchor. *turns around and starts walking*
Aren't you gonna wait for your husband?
I'm sure he'll catch up. He always does.
*nods* Off you go then.
Farewell... Kommissar.
Meanwhile in the Hospital
Poor thing.
*coughing his lungs off*
*sigh* Why am I wasting candles on someone like him?
Kommissar's orders. Silly.
I know, but-- Forget it. Put him on the traction bench, face down. *opens the bag and starts searching for the rougher-cut candles*
*chains Wayward son to the traction bench*
*mumbles* Where were they..? I'm sure we had some left... Aha! No, that's not it. *holds an obsidian figurine of Shoduk in his hand*
The patient is ready, doctor.
*twists the figurine, contemplating on memories*
Ze godz? Dwarven godz? Khe khe khe, patzetik. I zpit on yer godz. Bring me more wine!
Doctor?
Back already? Wait. Wai are ya holding a zkalpel? W-w-- Azira..?
Doctor!
... Yes. Yes, sorry. Could you bring more candles from my stash? I'm all out.
Of course. *exists the hospital*
*still coughing*
*sigh* I'd never think I'll end up in a place like this, treating common cold for the dwarves I don't even like.
*coughs, sweats, and stinks*
But I'm trying. Like every other komrade who comes here to start a new life. I'm doing my part. Voting for every decision. Caring for this community. I'm ready to do whatever it takes for the sake of Angèrith. And what about you, Wayward Son?
*gasps for air*
This fortress invited you. Gave you work. Made you a father. What was your way of repayment? Oh, that's right. Treason.
Pl-pl-- *tries to break free from the straps to no avail*
*locks the door from the inside*
... Wound-tender Azira..?
Most dwarves are so ungrateful to be alive.
*picks up a scalpel*
*starts shaking and twitching*
This might... sting. *starts cutting Wayward Son's back*
WAAAAAAAGH!!
*cuts all the way down*
ZZZTAAAAAAHP!!
STAAAAHP!!
AZZZZIIIRAAA--
*throws away the scalpel and picks a butcher knife*
*doorhandle is shaking repeatedly*
Kommanding Physician? Azira!
*rushes to the closed hospital* What happened?
I don't know! H-he locked himself with Wayward Son! Horrified!
Can't you do your... thing?
Azira's mind... It's not here.
Stand aside! *begins SLAMMING the door*
Quick!
*after what felt like an eternity, takes down the door*
*rush inside*
*laying down on the bench, passed out; his back is completely stripped of skin*
What have you done?
What was necessary.
*looks at the horrible THING Azira is holding in his blood-covered hands*
Nail it to the wall inside the tavern. That will teach them a lesson.
Before you start throwing rotten tomatoes at me, I know we barely made any progress (one in-game month, to be precise). It was a busy week for me. I can usually write a draft in a single day, and edit images / proofread during another day. This time around every single fuckery in RL was bent on distracting me from KKK. And it seems like my weekend will be even busier.
But starting from next week, gonna SPEED THINGS UP a bit. Stand by for the follow-up mini-key choices and some hard numbers.
Both Smunstu Guileghoules (already mentioned in previous updates) and Busla Diebones have rich backgrounds, as those of you with save files can clearly see. Both of them are of royal lineages, both are connected to numerous storylines intertwined with many characters of this LP. Maybe I'll post out-of-context story of Kingdomstole at some point, if anyone is interested.
Both Smunstu Guileghoules (already mentioned in previous updates) and Busla Diebones have rich backgrounds, as those of you with save files can clearly see. Both of them are of royal lineages, both are connected to numerous storylines intertwined with many characters of this LP. Maybe I'll post out-of-context story of Kingdomstole at some point, if anyone is interested.
A true charmer! He's already grown on me! I will now grow sideburns IRL and tie my manbun high and proud. Facial tattoos could be problematic tho, maybe I could get by with a square root on my forehead but I fear the end result wouldn't be the same!
Grimwulf did you fabricate the story of Blib mindcontrolling Ónul while the crafting was going on? Or did Blib really stay with Ónul during the process?
It's still so goddamn beautiful though. Never had an artifact made with my likeness before.
I was laughing hard when reading it. Couldn't believe what was going on.
Oh, and the propaganda is top notch. Yep. Flaying isn't beneath me. Nothing says "take this seriously!" like a message written on fresh skin.
Grimwulf did you fabricate the story of Blib mindcontrolling Ónul while the crafting was going on? Or did Blib really stay with Ónul during the process?
It's an actual game mechanic. The game says she was "possessed by unknown forces."
But we know who it was.
Then she claimed a workshop. Then she ran around the fortress, gathering materials and stuff. You found her at the moment she was nearly done. Needless to say, everything regarding this artifact was completely under DF's design. The choice of materials, type of artifact, design, images, name - all that follow certain behind-the-scenes rules, algorithms, different RNG's, etc., based on particular dwarf's personality, preferences, background, current situation.
