In Progress Jewniggers from Southern Place - A Semien CK2-TPATT/MM LP

[Kattze]

Shalom Codex Goyim,

Introduction
Precarious Rise: 1066-1071
Coming Storm: 1071-1076
Trumpets of War: 1076-1082





Introduction:
What do you get when you combine:
+ =

Spoiler

I am Dawit, King of Semien, faithful worshipper of YHWH, of the tribe of Levi. I am the one of the last descendants of Zadok, High Priest to the Kings David and Solomon of Israel. Wrathful to my enemies, dissimulating like a true Hebrew, content under YHWH's guidance and humble for His blessings, I will strove to lead the chosen people.

My kingdom, Semien, is surrounded by heretics, infidels and enemies. Abhorrent deviations of teachings of the Adonai has spread throughout the world. The followers of the false messiah, a lowly carpenter, had taken root over Babylon and her descendants, turning the mere abomination of worshiping false idols into a flagrant mockery of the most High. On the other hand, the sons of Ishmael, through some imaginative forgery by their 'prophet', a merchant turned bandit, had spread by the sword and fire their distorted delusions of YHWH to the ends of the earth.

To our immediate north, the Kingdom of Abyssinia, a den of Tammuzites and carpenterite deviators. We will deal with them the way, my ancestor Gudit has dealt with their predecessors, the Kingdom of Axum.

Our ancestor,Queen Gudit, terror of carpenterites.

Yemrehana, ruler of Abyssinia, a diligent king yet a cowardly charlatan

To our East, the Emir of Khumalo, a rotten Ishmaelite by virtue of his beliefs even if not by blood or skin. We will inflict on destruction and havoc on them as they have inflicted on Banu Qurayzah, our Jewrab brothers.

Ali, the Khumalo emir; kind, diligent yet tolerant of all religious deviancies.

To the far north, lies our Jewbab brothers, the Khazars. Once the rulers of a vast empire stretching from Black sea to Caspian sea, they have been reduced to the sole province of Itil. YHWH's wrath burned against them and brought them down for blindly tolerating Tammuzites, Ishmaelites and followers of graven images. May He forgive them and revive their empire.

Our fellow Hebrew, Khagan Isaac and his kingdom.

It is up to us (with the help of our Jewbab brothers) to restore the Third Temple and prepare for the coming of the Messiah!

Just post suggestions/comments guys if you feel like it, since I'm new to this LP stuff.

 

[Ovg]

Majesitc. Please do cary on and remember that the goy are there to provide you with $.

You might also consider adding more random hate speech.

 

[Tigranes]

Excellent.

 

[Absalom]

So how is being Jewish different from Islam/Catholicism from a gameplay standpoint? Awesome btw

 

[Kipeci]

What mod is this?

 

[Sranchammer]

Prince and the Thane

 

[Kipeci]

Must be from a different update than mine then, I guess. I only have oasis patches like the ones seen in northern Arabia in the non-coastal bits of north Africa, instead of full swaths of land.

 

[Kattze]

Must be from a different update than mine then, I guess. I only have oasis patches like the ones seen in northern Arabia in the non-coastal bits of north Africa, instead of full swaths of land.

I think that is the setup for 2.0.6. The latest one is 2.1.1 and I've also used Trash's MM mod (childbirth deaths, greater mortality etc.)

 

[RK47]

Tried starting that spot before. I can't see a way out at all.

 

[Kattze]

So how is being Jewish different from Islam/Catholicism from a gameplay standpoint? Awesome btw

I'm not really sure, man. I've only really played some one-county sheikh in Andalusia. Though from the decisions menu, I assume we will manage to build the third temple once we have Jerusalem.

Tried starting that spot before. I can't see a way out at all.

TPATT or vanilla? In vanilla, you basically don't have any hope unless you cheese it by swearing fealty to HRE/ERE and converting to Catholicism/Orthodoxy.

 

[RK47]

Vanilla. Wonder how you gonna get out of this one then.

 

[Kipeci]

You're not quite as screwed over starting as a non-Muslim in this area as you are in Vanilla, provided that this version of the mod is vaguely similar to my own. In the couple of games I've played, Nubia has been able to survive for around a decade on average (as opposed to being annexed in the first few minutes of the game) and Abyssinia can survive for considerably longer (half a century or so.) If they can manage to hold off the Somalis so that the Fatimids won't be able to pounce on them so easily, they can go even farther, I think, but I haven't played too extensively in the game they succeeded in that endeavor.

It's not all positive, though. Semien managed to survive for about as long as Nubia did in the games I've run, and while that may be better than vanilla Nubia's lifespan, it's still pretty dire. Bordering a a relatively large neighbor with de jure claims on you as well as some jihad-happy muslims also larger than you makes for decent enrichment opportunities.

 

[Kattze]

Precarious rise: 1066-1071

Spoiler

It seems my spymaster has uncovered a fucking conspiracy.

And this here is the fucking Jewdas, a lustful, cruel son of a bitch.

We try to arrest him but...

He fled to Nubia, another stronghold of carpenterite degeneracy, north of Abyssinia.

Despite this debacle we move on to other matters.

I'm an average fighter but it doesn't matter for I am but a mere machete in the Maker's hands.

I have to choose which of these Jewish ladies will be my queen and bore me a son. Chekolech is too chaste, Chamashwork is too lustful (and might be tempted by demons) and so I chose Yehudit as my consort.

As much as the lure of additional gold bling is calling us, we have to show to the nobles and the people that we aren't bereft of enough jewgoldz ourselves.

However, this display of wealth and magnificence...

...has tempted and driven lesser men to greed.

Both of these men were imprisoned and afterwards released to serve as an example to anyone who attempted to steal from the royal treasury.

YHWH had stated that man should 'spread forth and multiply' and I'm only following his commandments.

Not long after...

My wife became pregnant with child.


In other news: The cowardly Jewdas in Nubia is still plotting my demise with his confederates in my realm.

Someone should tell them that their religion is Judaism and not Jewdasism.

Thankfully, I managed to dissuade almost all of them and convince them to redirect their energies in conning the goyim.

Antalo became much more prosperous after having landless peasants resettled.

My son and heir Yieshak (named after Khagan Isaac of Khazars but in Levite Hebrew) was born.

But he died a few days later due to exposure (or was it?).

The gracious Adonai had sent a beautiful comet to signify Yieshak's passing (or so I wish).

In this case, bro, hos before bros, sorry bro.

On the other hand, I invited one of my other bros to a feast and he went. He truly is a bro.

I hope my second son or (daughter) will live a much longer life than poor Yieshak.

After almost 3 years of idle indolence, I resolve to attack one of my neighbours to spread the covenant of YHWH. Abyssinia had 400 more machete wielders than we have, so we had to bide our time. However, Khumalo emirate is not only weaker than we are but also they are at odds with the Rassids in Yemen due to some petty squabble on who will succeed the merchant-robber.

And thus, we unleashed our finest machete squads against them in fulfillment of the Secret Protocols of the Elders of Zion to acquire Harer and divest it of all its jewgoldz.

Machetes were sharpened, chickens were packed and watermelons were shared as the Semien army was ordered to combine in the province of Antalo in preparation for the invasion of Harer.

Because of the stress of the war, my wife died while giving birth. My soon-to-be-born daughter was lost as well.
She could have been the next Gudit.

I've speedily remarried to Chekolech, one of the former queen's lowborn ladies-in-waiting.

My army had arrived and laid siege to Zeila, one of the key fortresses in Harer.

Hope he doesn't go straight to YHWH after birth (Damn you Trash).

In the midst of this happy intermission, the Khumalo army attempted to relieve Zeila by attacking our besiegers...

But the Ishmaelite Khumalos were completely grilled by the Semien army, like baby meat in the hands of a crazed cannibal.

A Khumalo general was captured in the battle...

And like Agag the Amalekite...

Was executed under YHWH's guidance and inspiration.

Iskander, my third child (and the first one to live hopefully), was born. He is named after the High Priest, Alexander Jannaeus and not after the filthy idolator from Macedonia.

Another day, another child.


This joyous occasion was followed by two successful sieges in Khumalo territory:

After three successive defeats, the Khumalo emir finally sought peace.

And Harer is part of of our kingdom now.


And while we expanded to one county, Abyssinians were becoming much more powerful by attacking Nubia, Dongola and Khumalo (as well) one after the other. They managed to expand their domain by at least three counties. We have to watch this carpenterite menace lest we fall as well.

Just as the northern kingdom of Israel was the first to fall to the Assyrians, the northern kingdom of Khazars was finally extinguished and destroyed by Sarkel, a savage idolator race. Will our kingdom be like Judah and fall to Babylonians or will YHWH make as a greater nation than Judah ever was?

Isaac Doganin, the last Khagan of the Khazars was invited to our court. Just like a true Jew, he only accepted after a promise of an allowance (worth 50 gold).

Still, feels good to extend a helping hand to a fellow Jew.

We are the only Jewish state now. Will YHWH grant us favour and allow us to overcome all odds or are we doomed to led to captivity by the children of Babylon to the north of us?

I think Abyssinia will swallow me whole.

 

[Kattze]

Also, props to long-standing LP makers. This shit is hard work.

 

[RK47]

marry into an alliance, somehow. it's your only hope.

 

[Kattze]

^
I mostly can't because I'm a Jew.

 

[RK47]

Ok, plan B: Banish every single dude with money from your demesne.
It's the only way.

 

[Absalom]

Oh god it's like when I played as the count of Valencia. And I second Rk47's suggestion, but do you even get mercenaries?

 

[RK47]

No amount of merc is gonna stop that Egyptian Muslim Kingdom at the height of its power. And since Holy War CB enables them to take whole Kingdom chunks, one defeat = game over.
Pray hard to your Jewish gods, the butt rape is not going to be kind.

 

[Trash]

Hope you play the latest version of the TPATT + MM mod or else you can say goodbye to pretty much all of your kids.*

Anyway, while the position looks bad it can work to your advantage. Latest mod has a lot (and I mean a LOT) of discontent with vassals. Bigh chance that blob is going to enjoy a shitload of internal strife. And that's always a good time to try and start some shit of your own. Good luck!

*Vanilla thingie where it seems that higher child death rate keeps hitting same characters over and over again when over certain value. Nerfed it a bit in later version and that seems to work out better. Also be sure to remove retinues and turn off autosaving. TPATT suffers from CTD's with these for some reason or another. Apparantly lots of mods have problems since last patch...

 

[PorkaMorka]

^
I mostly can't because I'm a Jew.

Members of the other religions don't show up on the auto-marriage finder tool, but if you find them manually and propose to them, some will still accept.

Or at least, it used to work a few patches ago in vanilla. I used to use this strategy to get alliances with a big Muslim sultanate when I was playing somebody small and weak. They won't actually honor the alliance most of the time, but it seemed like it still scared other AIs into being less aggressive.

 

[Trash]

The bigger you get the bigger also the chance of them accepting a marriage proposal. Even when you're of a different religion. Mind you, that might mean your kids will grow up as heathens or your wife hating your guts and thus planning your demise. If getting a spouse from a different religion (or culture) for that matter make sure to keep either relations good or make sure she isn't that good in the whole spy thingie.

 

[RK47]

The bigger you get the bigger also the chance of them accepting a marriage proposal. Even when you're of a different religion. Mind you, that might mean your kids will grow up as heathens or your wife hating your guts and thus planning your demise. If getting a spouse from a different religion (or culture) for that matter make sure to keep either relations good or make sure she isn't that good in the whole spy thingie.

Throw her to the Ilkhans / Golden Horde man. I did that in my last game and man it was sweet throwing them two hordes against each other, and the finale with the Golden Horde Throne claimed by the King of Jerusalem was epic. ^_^ I felt bad when the Timurids invaded and they had to face the whole Ilkhan and Golden Horde together.

 

[Kipeci]

I've only very rarely seen the Fatimids in revolt, I don't know if that can be depended on.

Then again, the Seljuks have been engaged in a completely crippling seventy year civil war since I executed their first leader, leading to the Byzantines conquering into upper Mesopotamia with no resistance despite themselves suffering enough revolts to change the emperor on a average of every decade or so.

 

[Hellraiser]

Oy vey, so many goyim around you. Perhaps you need to introduce them to the concept of banking, that will destroy them from the inside.