Baldur's Gate BG3 Blurb Contest

[Maxie]

In this thread, I challenge you to come up with the most uninspired and hackneyed blurb for Larian's Baldur's Gate III you can manage, which blurb will inevitably end up a part of some mainstream gaming website review. The more clownworldy, the better. The winner becomes Codex's official recommendation of the game, as approved by DarkUnderlord. Put your snideness to some use, men.

my take: A MODERN TWIST ON THE CLASSIC FORMULA

 

[d1r]

BEST PLAYED WITHOUT ANY MEMORIES OF BALDUR'S GATE 1 OR 2

 

[Zed]

EXPERIENCE THE THRILL OF BEING A HOMOSEXUAL VAMPIRE

 

[lukaszek]

deterministic system > RNG

 

[Howdy]

YOU MUST GATHER YOUR PARTY BEFORE ADVENTURING FORTH... INTO THE FUTURE OF PC ROLEPLAYING RPG GAMES

Edit also

YES YOU CAN FUCK THEM ALL IF YOU WANT TO

 

[MpuMngwana]

While updating the, frankly, archaic and outdated gameplay of Divinity: Original Sin 2, and taking the page from Bethesda's book in both quality role-playing and starting their franchise with the third installment, Lairan delivers what might very well be the best RPG game ever.

 

[Glop_dweller]

"FINALLY! A D&D GAME YOU CAN WIN!"

 

[lukaszek]

deterministic system > RNG

 

[Robber Baron]

You never really liked Baldur's Gate. Here's Why....

 

[lukaszek]

deterministic system > RNG

 

[Nortar]

Finally you can take a diverse cast of fierce companions on stunning and brave adventures in a classic setting streamlined and brought to this year standards.

 

[vortex]

in one profund moment Minsc was unpetrified after a hundred years, immediately gets clubbed to death by a strong woman who you can have romance with

YOU MUST GATHER YOUR PARTY BEFORE ADVENTURING FORTH

... but you actually don't have to gather your party this time to venture forth. Every party member can go freely for his own story multiplayer reasons.

 

[NJClaw]

It really makes you FEEL like you are playing Dungeons&Dragons.

 

[Turuko]

With Baldur's Gate 3 Larian has taken the fundamentals of the franchise, broken them apart and rebuilt them into an RPG so refined and compulsively playable that it's done the unthinkable: It's finally rendered its predecessors a footnote.

 

[AwesomeButton]

Shit, I thought I'd give it a go, but people ITT read much more mainstream gaming journoshit than I do.

 

[Feargus Jewhart]

BALDUR'S GATE III IS PROOF THAT VIDEO GAMES ARE ART AND MEANINGFUL STORY-TELLING PLATFORMS COMPARABLE TO LITERARY CLASSICS SUCH AS THE STRANGER.

 

[Lonely Vazdru]

GATES... GATES NEVER CHANGE.

 

[calgary.alberta]

BALDUR'S GATE III guaranteed to increase your social distance score +4

 

[Generic-Giant-Spider]

"Baldur's Gate III not only lives up to its legacy but easily succeeds it, one of the finest moments in RPG history that will be celebrated for decades to come. Larian has truly rolled a perfect 20."

 

[vortex]

"BG3. What to say? Can even stand head to toe with quintessential Throne of Bhaal campaign and any modern JRPGs. Cutscenes are spectacular."

 

[Apostle Hand]

'Return of hardcore RPG style... one of the best RPGs in past 10 years, this game will keep you up all night.'

 

[onemananadhisdroid]

DOESN'T SCALE TO YOUR HATRED.

 

[catfood]

OP IS A FAG

 

[Sigourn]

Who knew isometric RPGs could be fun?

 

[PapaPetro]

"Hey it's shit. But they'll still eat it."